Beginning Again

Let’s hold myself accountable.

Tomorrow’s agenda since I didn’t do anything today:

Take my niece to school

Do some laundry at the laundromat, practice Spanish and set up appt for DMV while there. Also send a text to neighbor about DMV just to update them.

Spend 10 minutes declutterring each area (or as much as I can stand since these were supposed to be once a day from the beginning of the year): living room bookshelves; tv area; front entry way; fish tank area; shelf next to tv; dining table; tools; deep freezer; above the deep freezer

Pay bills

Therapy: ask about reducing sessions and letter for school

Trim a couple branches off the peach tree depending on weather.

Read/art/write/decompress cause work is officially on on Thursday.
Accomplished most of the things on my list from today. The rest of the declutterring can happen tomorrow. I’m starting to get really into Dead Silence, though I’m debating on the intelligence of reading it right before bed when I’m home alone for the night. It’s getting pretty creepy lol.

Talked to T today, we’ve moved to every two weeks. She actually said she’d been considering bringing it up herself.

For accountability tomorrow:

Morning yoga
Practice spanish
Pay on one of my bills, the others got taken care of today but will have more money tomorrow for it
Want to go through and clean the toilets, showers, tubs, and sinks and clean by tidying, dishes, taking out trash, and whatever declutterring I have the energy for
Also got food prepped for a few days. I do basically two bento boxes that I graze on all day as I get a chance because I don’t have a consistent lunch and the more I eat throughout the day the less likely I am to binge in the evenings.

So breakfast will be oatmeal and I’m going to try the infamous avocado toast. It’ll be my second time trying avocado so we’ll see how I feel about it. First time was so so.

In the boxes I have a main portion of chili and rice with some cheese to add; summer sausage; ritz crackers; seed mix; red velvet tea cake; and popcorn. Normally it would be way more balanced but I did zero shopping and this is what was in the cupboards at 8 pm. Oh and a big thing of water.

For dinner gonna have leftover mashed potatoes and pot roast.
Oof this is gonna be an all over the place brain dump.

Work was great and I ate plenty throughout the day so whyyyyy did I still feel the urge to binge afterwards? Granted, I had some frustrations with a couple of things but come on now, I thought I was past this. Butttt I didn’t follow through on the binge. I walked right past the usual food and used the money I would have used to buy a pretty basket and a bunch of fruit to put in it. So eh some progress.

What are those frustrations? Nothing major. Definitely nothing binge worthy. I had to go to a couple of stores to find the propane I needed to prepare for the big freeze because places are selling out. Then I’m having some thoughts about a couple of the books I’m working through. Outside of that? The whole day went as perfectly as it could go. So why am I not in a great headspace?

I was this morning, I was singing out loud to the radio and teasing my niece with it. I felt fantastic. Work wasn’t all that engaging, it was a pretty boring day. But I like those. But even when I got home and worked through my evening routine, I only had energy to get half the chores done. Felt good drawing, but then when it came time to write my head just felt too full and blank to even open a page.

As for the books:

I finished Sick Wicked Love, mostly skimmed actually because it just got redundant.

I also finished Dead Silence. This one surprised me. I’m not a sci fi fan usually but this one actually grabbed me and kept me through the whole thing. It wasn’t the best book ever, but definitely a good intro into sci fi. I’m definitely more open to it now.

I started A Little Life. I have seen this one listed as being so great from soooo many YouTube reviewers and I honestly have to ask why? I’m only to chapter 3 (85 pages in 😳) and all I know is I have not been able to connect to a single character, it feels head hoppy even though it isn’t quite, the chapters are longer than a Catholic wedding, and I feel way too much like an observer over nothing happening. I can’t connect. I just can’t.

I also started Demon Copperhead. This one angers me. I haven’t even started chapter 2 because I am already so irritated with it. A while ago I read Hillbilly Elegy and to me, it was a fantastic book. It did a great job of encapsulating the way my town where I grew up is and the people in it. But, the author started pursuing a republican office and that turned a lot of people off (not me but I was paying attention) and everyone gravitated to and raved about how amazing Demon Copperhead is and how much better it is.

I disagree. Granted, I’ve only read one chapter. But it feels like an actual joke. I feel like this is what some rich city person imagines what growing up rural poor is like. It feels like a caricature of stereotypes and none of it from a genuine place.

I don’t know if I want to try to continue with those two books, find others to fill those prompts, or just skip ahead to the next prompts. That’s a decision for tomorrow me. I need to get some sleep.
Tonight’s drawing. I’m not particularly good at art, it just soothes me.


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I don’t understand the hype.
People with super low fat low carb diets? As well as most vegetarians/vegans? Get weak in the knees with a concentrated shot of sugar/fat.

It’s like putting brownsugar on ham.
Or milk on cereal.
Or honey butter.
But vegetarian/vegan.

It came from a niche diet, subsuming restaurants as a cheap “drinking” appetizer appealing to vegetarians/vegans, tremendously upsaled (and less expensive! For the restaurant. 30 cents of product for $15 sale), but ALSO beloved by carnivores… because sugar+fat=happy human. Whether it’s a donut, chocolate frosted sugar bombs cereal, or avo-toast.

Personally? I can eat avos all day long, but really prefer beans on toast 😉That’s a concentrated complete protein shot, rather than a sugar+fat shot.
It is raaaaarrrrreeee for me to cry for anything, especially books. I’m just not very sensitive to anything. But holy hell Room has me bawling. I finished it tonight and it’s just the best, most spectacularly written and thought out book and that end scene just killed me. How am I supposed to just go to sleep after this? How am I supposed to stop crying?