Beginning Again

Ideation has quieted down again, i implemented the tools I knew, chatted with my T about it, and knew where it was all coming from. So I’m kind of proud of myself, I used to would have spiraled down a black hole but I didn’t this time.

Yesterday was also really good, the majority anyway. I found out that I love hanging laundry out on the clothes line, like immensely lol. It was such a peaceful and sensual (engaging the senses, not sexual, not sure how to rephrase that) experience.

There were a couple of irritations later on towards the night but I went to bed early instead of letting them drag me down.

I did my Fafsa application and tried to reinstate myself at my old school because they have a simple form to do so. But I need to find my student id to complete it and I can’t remember it for the life of me and they’re on break until the second (the office anyway) so I can’t call yet. Frustrated with myself for procrastinating when I could have done this at the beginning of December, or better yet a decade ago.
 
Ideation has quieted down again, i implemented the tools I knew, chatted with my T about it, and knew where it was all coming from. So I’m kind of proud of myself, I used to would have spiraled down a black hole but I didn’t this time.
👍👍👍👍👍👍👍

Awesome!!!! That's the way you do it. Build the tools, use the tools, and add them to your toolbox. Way to go....!!!
 
Christmas Eve went well with some of the family. Wish others could have joined but things are still weird for some areas. Regardless, I hosted and it went off without a hitch and everyone seemed happy. Ideation hasn’t come back but I think there just honestly wasn’t time between cleaning, preparations, and beta reading a friends book, there was very little room to think about anything else.

Which has me concerned for the next 14 days until my school district begins again. That’s a long time to have no big thing to focus on.

Unfortunately sometime overnight my brain has decided to reanalyze my last therapy session now that there’s more room. One of the things we talked about in regard to where my ideation was coming from was how much of an effect CSA has on a kid.

We were talking about the amount of success and good choices my family member has made in spite of being raised in a really crappy home. His parents fought nonstop, many moves, divorce, stepparents, etc. but he didn’t have any CSA.

My therapist stopped my comparison rant right there and pointed out that that’s actually pretty huge. That CSA alone causes a significant amount of issues just by itself. Add on all the other traumas that match the family members’ plus a few other things sprinkled in and then of course I would struggle.

She said it so simply, like of course when pain is caused you’re gonna hurt. But I never really saw it that way I guess. I more saw being molested as just another tick in a box. Sure I’ve talked about it in therapy but I don’t know that I’ve given it as much attention as some other things that in my mind were bigger. And I know there isn’t really a “bigger”. I just focused so hard on certain traumas that other ones have genuinely just felt like a drop in the bucket.

But I think I may have worked through those other things and so now my head is like hey what about this other stuff here? But it pisses me off because I thought it just wasn’t *that* big. Like it was but it wasn’t. I don’t know how to explain it all. This has become a brain dump, but hey what better time to talk about the confusing effects of trauma and molestation than at 7 am on Christmas morning. 🤦‍♀️
 
Another thing I need to go over in therapy: my writing.

I’m an author. I’ve published 16 books.

. . . and then pulled them all down. Suppose the author title no longer applies.

I want to write, I have so many stories in me. But I’m having a very hard time being okay with writing out what I want and my own morals. I love the dark side of romance. Dark, kinky, toxic, bully, abusive, dangerous romance books are where my heart is for both reading and writing.

I’ve tried so hard to read things that are “healthier” and I’m so damned bored by them every time. I like the safe drama of exploring so much that I could never do in person.

The problem is that there are people who use the things they consume as a roadmap for how their relationship should go. It’s actually been interesting to watch that. I was a big dark romance reader long before it became popular, at least 10+ years now. But then it started to slowly increase in popularity, then TikTok was created, then in the last couple years- TikTok found dark romance and the whole thing has taken this weird turn. I hate when the masses take a hold of anything I love because they distort it into just something wrong.

I don’t know. I don’t know what I want to do. I pulled my books down, partially because of that and partially because I want to rewrite them. But I haven’t rewritten them because I have this thought that I want to just completely reboot with new pen names and only healthy depictions. But I know I would be forcing myself then and would grow to dislike writing altogether.

I could just write what I want and try to convince my brain that it’s okay to be a part of an actual problem in this world where we do glorify the darker, sicker parts of humanity in the name of safe fantasy. No romance author writes these relationships as blueprints for reality, it’s fantasy for a reason. But they get blamed for that anyway. They get blamed for creating a culture of normalizing terrible things and encouraging people to participate in those dynamics.

But seriously, that’s not the case. It’s strictly fantasy and there shouldn’t be anything wrong with exploring that. We all know that actual mafia bosses look like bloated and balding fish, not the six packed guy in his early 30s. But a social responsibility is created when the masses get a hold of things.
 
Do you ever have remnants of an old dream appear in a new dream? I just had the weirdest thing happen.

In an old dream, in part of it I’m in a living room in a messy house sitting near the front window and writing down notes about the kids that live there. They weren’t there at the time but I was expecting them. The notes were kind of business ideas surrounding the kids, or photo prompts, or something like that. But they were written with keywords and my brain filling in the rest how I usually do notes so they really only make sense to me.

Today I took a nap and there’s a portion where I’m back in the same living room. The mother and the kids have come back and left again but there is another person with me explaining things. I can’t quite tell what she’s explaining but dream me understands. However, as we’re stepping through the living room we come across the couch where I’d left those old notes. I’m immediately very embarrassed and try to rip them out of the notebooks without alerting the other person to them.

I’ve had dreams where there was a big sense of having been in that place before, or even like a continuation of another dream. But this was the first time there were items left from one in another. Hands down weirdest thing.
 
Going back to school is so close yet still so out of reach. Because I was terrible at showing up consistently before, I failed a lot of classes. Which means they put a hold on me being eligible to receive financial aid. I cannot afford to pay cash, there’s just no way right now. They gave me an option to write an essay and include documentation of diagnoses and such to appeal to FAFSA and see if they would be willing to remove the hold.

We’re too close to this semester starting for me to go this spring. So best hope is fall, because if I remember right financial aid doesn’t apply to the summer semester right?

I’m trying not to be upset about waiting until fall. I’m also trying to get the courage to reach out to previous therapists and doctors. I’m not even really sure what documentation to ask for. The form is basically just asking for proof of why I was having such a hard time.
 
There was a reading challenge posted in another thread. I’m going to try to decide which books I’ll read.

1. Set in a neighbouring country- The Stone Ángel by Margaret Laurence

2. Re-read a favourite- The Words by Ashley Jade. Maybe. We’ll see.

3. Set in space- Dead Silence by S.A. Barnes

4. A book that your favourite author would read- Savage Little Games by Lane Hart

5. A cover you hate- A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

6. An award winner- Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver

7. Published the decade you were born- The Secret History by Donna Tartt

8. Originally published in another language- Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

9. Set in a city you've always wanted to visit- The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

10. One word title- Kindred by Octavia E. Butler

11. Poetry- Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

12. Based on a true story- Room by Emma Donoghue

13. Listen to an audiobook- Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey (in fairness, I’ve started this last year but didn’t get very far)

14. Has been on a banned book list- Scars by Cheryl Rainfield

15. A debut- Up Home by Ruth J. Simmons

16. Nonfiction- Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong

17. Made into a movie- Atonement by Ian McEwan

18. Has a food item in the title- A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

19. Has a rural setting- Real Queer America by Samantha Allen

20. A short story- The Joy of Funerals by Alix Strauss

21. Recommended by a friend- Carnage by Shantel Tessier

22. A nonhuman narrator- Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt

23. A genre you rarely read- (Gothic) The Yellow Wall Paper by Charlotte Perkins

24. A cover you love- Once You’re Mine by Morgan Bridges
 
Omg, some brilliant choices! The Yellow Wallpaper is something I’ve recommended to so many people (all women!), and The Room was good enough that I can’t bring myself to watch the movie adaptation. You’ve got so much good reading ahead of you. Good luck with Tolstoy (I think that’s one of the other annual reading challenges: finish a Tolstoy!!).
 
Omg, some brilliant choices! The Yellow Wallpaper is something I’ve recommended to so many people (all women!), and The Room was good enough that I can’t bring myself to watch the movie adaptation. You’ve got so much good reading ahead of you. Good luck with Tolstoy (I think that’s one of the other annual reading challenges: finish a Tolstoy!!).
I’m super excited! But I’ll admit I’m struggling a bit on my first one, the Stone Angel. It’s not bad, it’s not bad at all. But every single sentence is sooooo flowery and long that it kind of makes for clunky reading. I’m pushing through though cause the premise sounds good.
 
Today is blisteringly cold and windy. My sub coordinator didn’t have a job for me today so I stayed home, in bed, like a troll. Definitely look like a troll right now lol. But it’s let me get some good reading in.

Full disclosure, I read weird. I rarely read a single book at a time, especially when one or two are a struggle. I move between books chapter by chapter, like book 1 chapter one to book 2 chapter 1 and back and forth.

Book notes so far:

*I was already deep into Cold as Ice, the second book in a trilogy from Rachel Jonas. I’ve finished that and started on the third one, Sick Wicked Love. I’m so freaking bored with it. Strongly considered not starting the third one but there’s just enough of a mystery to have me keep going for now. But I’m hanging on by a thread.


1. Set in a neighbouring country- The Stone Ángel by Margaret Laurence

** I have finished this one now. It was hard to get into. Part of that was the writing, but part of it was I couldn’t connect to the heroine. But I don’t regret reading it, it was very interesting to get a perspective that I admittedly don’t usually think about. She reminded me of my mother and that’s . . . a lot. But with my mom aging, and that being the central theme of this book, it was a good read.


2. Re-read a favourite-

** I decided against rereading just because of how deep of a slump I’m in around romance and I have a hard time re reading even in the best of moods. So I’m working on the first book of a duology of a favorite author, Midnight Purgatory by Nicole Fox. Frankly, it’s hitting the spot. It’s going pretty great.

3. Set in space- Dead Silence by S.A. Barnes

*** reading this now as well. It was hard to get into the first few chapters but we’re heading into the meat and potatoes and it’s looking good so far.

4. A book that your favourite author would read- Savage Little Games by Lane Hart

5. A cover you hate- A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara

6. An award winner- Demon Copperhead by Barbara Kingsolver

7. Published the decade you were born- The Secret History by Donna Tartt

8. Originally published in another language- Anna Karenina by Leo Tolstoy

9. Set in a city you've always wanted to visit- The Unbearable Lightness of Being by Milan Kundera

10. One word title- Kindred by Octavia E. Butler

11. Poetry- Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman

12. Based on a true story- Room by Emma Donoghue

13. Listen to an audiobook- Greenlights by Matthew McConaughey (in fairness, I’ve started this last year but didn’t get very far)

14. Has been on a banned book list- Scars by Cheryl Rainfield

15. A debut- Up Home by Ruth J. Simmons

16. Nonfiction- Minor Feelings by Cathy Park Hong

17. Made into a movie- Atonement by Ian McEwan

18. Has a food item in the title- A Clockwork Orange by Anthony Burgess

19. Has a rural setting- Real Queer America by Samantha Allen

20. A short story- The Joy of Funerals by Alix Strauss

21. Recommended by a friend- Carnage by Shantel Tessier

22. A nonhuman narrator- Remarkably Bright Creatures by Shelby Van Pelt

23. A genre you rarely read- (Gothic) The Yellow Wall Paper by Charlotte Perkins

24. A cover you love- Once You’re Mine by Morgan Bridges


I’m excited to continue this challenge and get back in work and just get my life back on a good track. Enough of this troll-ness.
 
I need to remember during therapy tomorrow to ask her for some kind of documentation of my PTSD that I can give to the college so that maybe they’ll release financial aid, and I need to discuss moving to every two weeks instead of weekly. We’ve gotten to a place where I just don’t need to go over things so urgently anymore. We’ve done a lot of really hard work for years and I’m absolutely not ready to end therapy altogether. But we’ll see what she says tomorrow.
 
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