Beginning Again

my good days have been outweighing my bad.

Oof need to try harder to remember this. Also need to try to remember that the majority of today was also great. It was just 9th period.

It has a certain combination of students that I’m not gonna lie almost had me in tears of frustration. I’ve gotten thick skin over the years, they don’t usually rattle me anymore. But I had multiple students who were testing the ever loving f_ck out of me. One could not stay in his seat and was wandering, grabbing things from the teachers desk, getting angry when I tried to get him to chill. Another student who decided it’d be fun to just repeat the first student. Two more who were determined to leave class altogether and egging on the first. I almost called security. Actually I probably should have. But I always hesitate because that feels like failing and I’m so rarely rattled.

But at least it was the last period of the day, I’m off now, I have a different class tomorrow. Gonna go home and do some self care.
Today is starting off close to tears. Nothing has happened. I know that starting in a bad mood is a recipe for a shit day. But this melancholy won’t leave.
Feeling relatively better. Read a few books lately and reread others.

Rainbow Parenting by Lindz Amer
This was mostly good, there was a lot I do agree with. Unfortunately, there were some key things that I don’t. But it did list several more books I want to explore.

End Game by Serena Akeroyd.
Rekindled my love for this author. It was pretty good.

Carnage by Shantel Tessier
Re read and honestly liked quite a bit. It’s still a little on the too shock value/too many sex scene side but meh.

Gender Queer by Maia Kobabe.
I’m frustrated by this. It’s written in a way that would appeal to a very young audience. But then goes on to show images and thoughts about blowjobs and such. I want so badly for our sex education to be more encompassing and give far more information. But this isn’t the way. I don’t get why we can’t get the representation and education needed while also not giving play by plays on blowjobs aimed towards minor children. It’s not written towards older teens or adults.
Today was a productive day. Got laundry, including all the throw blankets and pillows washed. Got food prepared for the week. Taxes filed. Did some chores around the property, and some more reading done.

His Name is George Floyd by Robert Samuels.
Their framing of George Floyd in the beginning is interesting. Trying to put drug use and dealing into a wholesome nostalgic way is definitely a choice. To be fair, I’m not sure how else to expect those memories to be shared by his family. I did really appreciate the depth they went into his families roots. It’s humbling to be reminded just how recent that past is.

Convenience Store Woman by Sayaka Murata.
Kinda loved this, but it’s also a little bizarre. It was a very interesting look into a brain that operates so entirely differently than my own.
I finished my list of shame. It kinda knocked me out for a bit. That was much harder than I expected. I thought I was further along in my healing than I apparently am. I meet with my therapist tomorrow to start going over it and I’ve spent today off and on sleeping and eating. It’s . . . I don’t know. My mind is pretty scattered right now.

More reading done:

The Slaughterman’s Daughter by Yaniv Iczkovits.
This was really fun. It dives into pretty heavy themes but does it with good humor.

The Giver by Lois Lowry.
Oh man. I read this in school as a kid, watched the movie, and retained good memories of it but rereading it is something I may try to do every year. This was such a powerful read for where my head is at lately. It fits perfectly into my goals for this year and through therapy. That probably sounds weird. What I mean is, I get so complacent in my life that everything becomes dull and the same old day after day. I don’t want that. I want to live. To experience. I want the vibrancy of life to permeate everything. Even the pain.
I have therapy in a couple of hours and I really want to cancel. I know we don’t have to work on this stuff. She point blank said it’s okay if I decide not to, or don’t even add a single thing to the list. But that’s not helpful. And the alternative is to chat about my parents being in my head trying to micromanage someone else today. I couldn’t shut those voices off and I was feeling very, very opinionated over how someone else should be handling their stuff when it’s none of my business at all. Ugh.

Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur.
This wasn’t for me. I don’t know, the subject matter was something I’ve been through and should have been able to connect. But the style just really didn’t work for me. I also think I’m craving more balance. More positive. Not in a toxic positivity way. Just balance.
Therapy went okay. I crashed pretty hard both in anticipation for it and afterwards. I don’t like working on this stuff, I mean, who actually would? But this does feel like that final big hurdle before I can say I’m done with going to therapy. It’s been years, I want to be done now.

I start a second job Monday, home health care work. I’m nervous but excited. I need whatever extra I can get financially right now. If I don’t like it, I still have the substitution job. If I can hold on to it long enough, it’d be great to use it as a way to pay for school and get going on my degree. It’s part time, which will help me immensely as far as brain power.

Rebecca by Daphne du Maurier.
I loved this. I finally really liked a classic lol.

The Bluest Eye by Toni Morrison.
This was really good.

To Kill a Mockingbird by Harper Lee.
Loved ❤️

The Moon in the Mango Tree by Pamela Binnings Ewen.
I tried, I couldn’t get into this one. Might try again some other time.
Covered a lot in therapy. A lot.

But found something pretty healing. There’s a YouTuber named Dr. John Deloney and he’s got a lot of shows surrounding the topic of child molestation and abuse. It is so freaking good to hear a man, specifically, openly show anger and condemnation for it. It’s so incredibly different than my own experiences around men.