Beginning Of Flashbacks And End Of Nightmares

[sonicwhite]

Since my psychosis is what traumatized me I feel safe to say that sometimes I go back into the psychosis via flashback. I used to think it was me going into the psychosis again like SZ. but I snapped out of it by answering on question. If I am dead, why do ppl die here? Then I snap back to earth and go on about my business.


I noticed my nighters have decreased. I think that has something to do with the gabapentin being gone and instead of nightmares, I'm getting flashbacks. Weird totally for me. It took ten years to figure out what happened to me for seven months back in 05. And the info is rushing in and causing me to panic. I have a new PCP so I'm go into tell him I deal with panic attacks even on klonopin and it causes me to go back into the psychosis.


I just need a little help. Like a PRN Xanax or Ativan. I don't abuse benzos. I really hate their side effects. But I don't like to think I'm in hell and about to be judged. So please my fear is since we bumped the risperdal down to two from six it is causing all of this.


The thing that scares me the most is I was on my death bed back in 05. I was in jail going through alot and it felt like I had died and jail was my punishment. I remember getting out and going through the psychosis a little longer. Then a friend told me I'm not going to hell and that rebuked the devil fast.


I snapped out of it. So while now Satan is attacking me and I know he is. I'm just worried I'm going to end up like I did in 08 where I thought I was just dead. It's hard to describe what I go through other than. I feel like I've died before and seen heaven. I was sent back to do a mission. The police are hiding records of my arrest and St Anthony's hospital has my recorded to where I collapsed in the stretcher and woke up in detox.


I'm kinda scared to get my records but I know either I died or I was close to it. So this is what I go through now.

 

[Silver.]

I self weaned myself off klonopin earlier this year, after being on it for 12 years. As someone who has experienced the absolute hell of going off a benzo, I would talk to your doctor about other meds to control the anxiety rather than trying to alter or add on another benzo. Perhaps the bump on the risperdal was too much for you? (this is all just my two cents of course)
I would definitely talk to your doctor about the changes, but would strongly advise you to look at avenues outside of benzos.

edit: and it surprised me that I advise this, because I too am going through the hell of panic, night terrors and flashbacks often, and need to find a resolution sooner preferably.
So I do wish you luck in resolving this, I can sympathize with what you are going through x

 

[Justmehere]

Do you have a psychiatrist? What happened with your old treatment team that was prescribing your medications? Is your new doctor aware of your past drug abuse and recent quitting of drugs you were addicted too?

Suddenly or quickly stopping meds that you were abusing to manage anxiety is a path to feel a lot more anxiety. You are very likely in withdrawals. This is not likely your baseline or symptoms from PTSD alone. Withdrawls can last for months and be a real b*tch to get through, even if someone is not addicted to the drugs you were taking.

These next few paragraphs are strong because I care. I want to see you reach the goals you have in life.

I'm a little concerned because you just stopped abusing two meds, and now you immediately are seeking a new doctor to prescribe addictive medications. There are other non-addictive meds that can help with anxiety, especially from withdrawals, like Vasari and etc - and other supports like learning new skills to manage symptoms. But you never post about your efforts to learn new skills to manage symptoms or getting therapy. Every single time you post about a setback, you also post about what drug you will seek next to handle that setback. This time you are immediately going for the quick acting addictive benzos, which I know you haven't been addicted too before, but your brain is in an extremely vulnerable state right now, and there is still a high potential that this time, you could become not just psychologically dependent to a new drug, but chemically dependent as well.

Even without chemical addition to benzos, they have HUGE drawbacks and the eventual getting off of them is so hard. You will increase your chance of dementia, and with the cognitive delusions/psychosis that you already have, I don't think your brain needs even more of a challenge to thinking clearly.

It's my guess this doctor is unware of the full truth of your past drug use - is that correct? I am concerned you are seeking new meds from a new doctor instead of getting into comprehensive addiction treatment - which shows a psychological addiction is still occurring for you. Right now. You have a psychological addiction while going through the chemical withdrawals of past drug abuse. I hope you are not being less that fully straightforward, fully open, and fully honest with this new doctor.

You may not be currently addicted to any substance, but you are exhibiting the behaviors of addiction. You are trying to escape rather than seek appropriate support to get through this time of withdrawls.

Anxiety doesn't cause psychosis in the way you describe, and people usually can't talk themselves out of it. Your states have some delusional thinking patterns, but they also sound somewhat like a dissociative state. Where things feel super surreal and perhaps not even like you are alive. If you are having regular psychotic states that absolutely require the use of antianxiety meds, then you likely have schizophrenia more than PTSD alone. That means you need an antipsychotic - some of which are actually great for anxiety from PTSD for some PTSD sufferers. Triolophan is one of a handful of anti-psychotics that are much better at controlling anxiety fueled psychosis than benzo's, especially for someone in the first few months of getting off meds they were abusing.

No matter what medication you are on, learning to be able to feel the fear and have new coping skills to manage it is ESSENTIAL for PTSD sufferers. Your brain is trying to work through what you have been through. The fact that you can talk yourself down out of some of these states is HUGE and shows that good comprehensive therapy could help so much.

Please use this as a chance to dive into comprehensive support like therapy and medical addiction management and support. You have great goals in your life, and you need to be able to walk through pain and get proper support before you can develop the ability to preach the gospel and minister to others like you want to be able to do.

 

[sonicwhite]

Thanks, I go to therapy. I will admit that a benzo was so addicting when I first had it that I got superglued to it. What I meant to say is we reduced the risperdal from 6 to 2 I don't want to be on risperdal. There has got to be a better AP then risperdal. I was on Abilify and that's what sucked me out of the psychosis.


The doc that past away said abilify is a weak AP but, if it could snap me out of what I was going through then yes it will work. It even helped the dreams tremendously so I'll talk to them about that.

I still have my tdoc and pdoc I just got a new PCP and no he doesn't know or need to know my history. He says of right now are you abusing recreational drugs. Honest truth No. Gabapentin was what I came off of and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My therapist is a Christina so we tackle it from a Christian perspective.


Yes we do talk of other treatments. But I love my therapist. So I'm keeping her.

 

[Justmehere]

Good you are seeing a therapist. No reason to quit a good therapist that you align with spiritually. Have you talked with her about coping skills to use when the anxiety comes? How are those skills and techniques working? Does she know about the symptoms you are experiencing now?

Have you considered perhaps adding in some more therapy like group therapy or even possibly Celebrate Recovery, which tackles some of these issues using a Christian model? You would not have to quit your current therapist to add in more treatment and therapy. Many people recovering from PTSD and addition need extra support, in addition to their current therapist to get where they need to go in life.

 

[sonicwhite]

I don't know if group is available because Dr. Henneessee owns it and he is always on the go.


It's not like a Gov funded community mental healt. It's a private practice. Yes we work on living in the now and not worry about the future and dread the past. Live in the moment. That is our main goal because I tend to think what if all the time. As far as anti psychotic goes I think I'm going to go back on Abilify.


I'm kinda rushy on things because I want to be a sound mined minister who isn't like a choppy sea. So live in the now. Focus on what helps me. Don't beat myself up because I think I made a mistake when I was only hurting myself and not others. So it all boils down to getting the right treat,net which I am. So thanks guys for pulling me into the right direction.

 

[Justmehere]

You have awesome goals and are taking a lot of great steps! Keep up that good work you are doing!

Abilify or another anti-psychotic would be a better request than a med you have previously been "superglued" too when you took it. I'm glad you are open to considering and taking those. A well informed doctor can best figure it out with you what meds would be best for you.

I still have my tdoc and pdoc I just got a new PCP and no he doesn't know or need to know my history. He says of right now are you abusing recreational drugs. Honest truth No. Gabapentin was what I came off of and it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My therapist is a Christina so we tackle it from a Christian perspective.

Does your "pdoc" prescribe medications or is he a phd who does therapy alone? Does your PCP work with the rest of your treatment team? I understand they are all private providers, mine are too, but they should all still stay in communication with each other.

Most of all there should be lots of open and honest communication with you and from you. They are there to help you reach your goals. Giving them all the info you can will better empower them to help you.

I'm glad your PCP knows a little about your history. But let's be real here, you are playing with death by not giving him all your history and information, open and honestly. I don't want you to die. Please consider telling him everything. Empower him to help you live the life you want to live. :hug:

 

[joeylittle]

As far as anti psychotic goes I think I'm going to go back on Abilify.

This is a very good idea.

Seconding what @Justmehere said - you need to disclose your entire drug history to your PCP, all of it. Include the Kratom and the Gabapentin. Be specific about the doses and the timing. It's going to be helpful for you to write all this out in advance, because it might take a little while. You can tie the timeline to events that have happened to you. Better to give your doctor too much information than too little.

Also - beware of including interpretation. So, you believe your psychosis is what traumatized you - but it's very possible that, looking at a bigger picture of your history, something else will emerge. I would say, if you can, go all the way back to when you were 14, 15 years old, and just make a full personal timeline of events, including all stressors and all drug use.

(you can use your diary here as a place to write it all out, if you want :) - that's a good use of a diary)

Ultimately, the goal is to live the best life you can live - and you are very much on the road to that.