Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

Thank you @Echo I have not shared this in 6 years. Gentle hugs appreciated.

 

[Wyakin]

Up early this morning, can't sleep but can't focus on anything either. The dogs are happy though because they have already been walked.

Can't seem to keep myself here this morning, this is the longest I have focused on something. I can't really afford to be like this today as I am running the site for the next two days on my own. I have staff, volunteers and work experience students in to do the hands on work but it is down to me to do everything else (normally the extra stuff is split between me, my manager and my colleague but they are both off). I have a new dog in tomorrow and the dog trainers up working with the staff to. I know they will ask why I am not in on any training sessions but it really depends on how many phone calls, emails, visitors and other extra work I have to do as to whether I will have time to get involved.

I have my weekly doctors appointment later to check-in. I am hoping I might actually be able to talk in sentences rather than one word answers to questions. I always aim to go in and keep as calm as possible but by the time I am through the waiting room I'm normally a mess who is just about keeping present enough to interact on a basic level. I think I will write some stuff down just in case.

I can still feel the pressure on my wrist and chest, I know the flashback is there just waiting to be seen but it hasn't decided yet to actually happen. I am trying not to think about it too much and just keep going but I can't stop worrying it is going to happen while I am at work. It is not helping me keep my brain under control.

Today's aim: Make eye contact with the doctor and be honest about how much worse everything has gotten in the last week.

 

[Wyakin]

Busy busy day today. Loads going on at work, lots of phone calls and things to reply to in between animal care tasks but I did get most of it done before leaving for the doctors. I succeeded in my aim and briefly made eye contact with her, I also told her how bad this week has been. She has asked for me to go back again next week after going to the trauma service on Friday.

I then popped round my mum's for dinner, the dogs had great fun. While there my Dad rang to tell me I had a letter and ask me a question. I guessed the letter was from the trauma service so I decided to go over and get that on my way home.

I was right and it's a good thing I got it as there is a questionnaire with it. It says the initial appointment is an hour long which I am really worried about. I had a lot of trouble staying focused for the doctor, I kept coming back and seeing her looking confused. I have struggled with that all day today and think I have spent much of the day on autopilot but the place is still standing and I have got a lot done even like that.

The pressure is still there in my wrist and chest. At one point today it got so bad I started to struggle to breathe, I nearly went home then and there but someone radioed me and it brought me out of it. It's a good thing they did really otherwise I'd have probably ended up having a nasty flashback in the middle of reception. I know it's coming, it is just a matter of when.

So tired now I am going to try going to bed. I hope I get a good nights sleep because I have another busy day tomorrow.

 

[Echo]

Sleep well. It sounds as if you've got a lot done today in a positive way.

Those interviews are not much fun. I did better when I felt able to turn it around and ask what they would be offering me and how the therapy would work. I do wish I had taken someone with me on each occasion. I felt very shaken afterwards and was not really in any state to deal with anything for quite a while. But maybe you'll get to be interviewed by someone who actually understands trauma, if you're attending a trauma centre - I hope so for you.

 

[Wyakin]

@Echo I have no one to take with me as all my friends and family are at work. The doctor sounded really nice on the phone and it does say on the paperwork that they do not discuss your trauma in depth. Just going in there is going to be difficult enough without a stranger trying to find out what happened. I have debated catching the train but then I have to sit in a confined space with strangers, walk through a busy station and then walk to the centre along unfamiliar roads. I actually find driving relaxing so I think I will do that instead.


I slept ok last night but I was up an hour and a half before my alarm. Today is going to be another busy one and I am already exhausted. My friend is coming round tonight so I have that to look forward to.

I am very much on autopilot today, I can't remember half of what I have done this morning although it's clear from how the house looks that I have been cleaning. I just hope my brain comes back when I am talking to people unlike a few times yesterday when I completely missed conversations. It's like being at the back of my head when everything important is happening at the front.

The pressure in my wrist and chest has eased so I'm taking this as a good sign but my emotions are still none existent. My anxiety is sitting at it's usual semi-panicked level. I am getting better at assessing where I am at in myself. Now I am getting an idea of my baselines I can start to find out what makes me worse.

I don't think I have fed the dogs yet so I best get on and do that then head off to work.

Today's aim: Remain in the staff room as the rest of the staff arrive.

 

[Wyakin]

Autopilot, it's becoming a good friend of mine. The part of me that takes over when my mind needs a break. It used to step in occasionally making the more mundane tasks pass quicker but these days it is in greater demand.

It can do many things from cleaning the dog kennels to holding brief conversations. Sometimes it calls on Brain for a better response but rarely and even then Brain doesn't always respond.

Autopilot is getting quite adept at some tasks it is doing regularly but it still has a few downfalls not least of which is it's memory. Autopilot suffers with a dodgy memory card, sometimes it remembers sometimes it doesn't. It is also not good at eye contact, it seems to know that eye contact may give it away so prefers to stare away or at the floor.

On occasion Autopilot likes to take a break while Brain is wandering and leaves Body unattended, usually staring in to space sometimes for minutes but sometimes for longer.

Autopilot is beginning to feel overworked and has decided to take more breaks, more often. I am hoping Brain and Autopilot can reach a mutual agreement whereby both are present more often soon.

 

[Notsowild]

@Wyakin... Sorry you're going through a rough time right now. I like your word "auto pilot". That's what it feels like to me. I go through my daily tasks and my mind is somewhere else. But I do the work and I do it well. I don't quite understand how at times.

I filled out a form before I seen my new T. Never have done one before. But it was good, it saves time having to tell your life history. Then you can spend that expensive hour doing some therapy.

I love your "Today's aim " btw
I think I'll try it.

 

[Wyakin]

@Notsowild I have come to accept Autopilot as a part of me I need right now to cope. I am glad you are able to work :)

My referral is through the NHS so I am not paying for it but you are right it means more of that first hour will be spent on what it needs to be spent on.

My today's aim came about because I felt I needed purpose to my day so I could succeed at something. I always try to make it so it pushes me within the limits I feel I can cope with that day. I succeeded at today's and it gave me a small moment of satisfaction at the beginning of my day, it definitely improved my outlook for the day after that.

 

[Wyakin]

My friend came round last night. We had an ok evening but I kept zoning. She noticed and talked me back but then that flashback that I have been building up to hit me, right in front of her.

I feel so embarrassed and ashamed. She says I wasn't violent just very scared. I messaged her this morning to say maybe she shouldn't come round anymore and she has told me if she thinks that will stop her visiting I've got another thing coming.

I do worry about the violence aspect. At the moment my flashbacks are of my worst trauma where I was helpless but there have been others where I fought back and I fought back hard. I do worry that if I start seeing those I may begin acting them out or becoming violent to someone just trying to help. It is a huge fear of mine.

I've got a quieter day today. Much less going on and my friend is back in so that spreads the work load a bit. Going to just try to have a calm day with the kennel dogs.

Today's aim: Fill in the paperwork for my appointment tomorrow.

 

[Echo]

@Wyakin - what a frightening experience! I'm glad though that your friend said what she said. At least if she is warned of the possibility, she can be prepared to some degree, if you ever were to have that kind of flashback in front of her. I hope you're feeling better now.

 

[Wyakin]

I made it through the day though I keep zoning out. I missed whole conversations in the staff room and struggled to keep track of everything going on.

I have filled in the questionnaire. I have tried to be as honest as possible although it was incredibly hard to fill it in and not deny a lot of what is happening. It's taken me three hours to calm down.

I think I have my route planned for tomorrow and I am planning on being in work first thing tomorrow to make the morning pass quicker but it depends on whether I can stay with it enough to work.

Getting really scared now.

 

[Echo]

@Wyakin - please just tell the person who is interviewing you how talking about it makes you feel. You can focus on that rather than talking about it in any detail. Maybe cite examples of how talking about it has affected you before. They really only need to know the broad brushstrokes. It isn't yet the therapy. And give yourself lots of time afterwards to come back to yourself.