Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

I have succeeded in my aim today. My anxiety has started to increase though and has notably gone up with the arrival of my manager in work. Where I was managing to keep it all together everything is starting to feel much more split up. I have gone home for lunch and typing this is helping to keep me here but I think if I don't go back to work soon I will lose myself.

I have four more hours to get through then I can come home and my friend will be here, I just have to remember that.

 

[JustBe]

I hear you. Your words echo my conversation with my Therapist today.

Part of my brain isn't working properly, it tells me to be afraid of things when I shouldn't be. The normal part of my brain knows this but it seems that at the moment the broken part is in control.

Empty. That's how I feel. A void of nothingness where feelings should be.

You are not alone.

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you @JustBe This forum is providing a massive support at the moment while I wait for proper treatment. It is helping me to feel less alone.

 

[Wyakin]

Woke up this morning mid nightmare. I must have been thrashing around because the bed was a mess, I was on the floor and the dogs were staring at me like I'd become a monster. It took a long time to reign in the panic and get my breathing under control but the dogs helped with that once they relaxed.

It was too early to go get up really but I couldn't calm down enough to go back to bed. I debated taking the dogs for a walk but decided it was too dark so thought I would get up and sort the house out. I gave up on that when I realised the noise of me putting stuff away was just winding me up more. So I tried to settle in the living room reading.

I gave up on reading when I found myself looking at the same line over and over again. Today it would seem my brain has decided that Hypervigilance must take precedence. It had improved recently or at least I was learning to not react to quite everything and not stare at stuff quite so long but today that has gone out of the window.

I am hoping it will ease as I get on with work but then it could just as easily go the other way. I can't really afford to take the day off as there is no one in to run the place and there is a lot to do today. I will just cross my fingers it is a quiet day, that isn't entirely unrealistic.

Today's aim: Start making a list of stressors, not to avoid them but to be better prepared when they do happen.

 

[Wyakin]

The quiet day I asked for worked out. I busied myself in the feeding and cleaning first thing then dealt with phone calls and emails. A quick chat with a colleague to bring myself back down after an awkward phone call with a man then back home for lunch. The dogs were their usual happy selves and promptly went out in to the garden to sunbathe.

I started my list, just a couple of things, not too many so as not to get too wound up. I noted what does it, gave examples, how bad it makes me and how quickly I tend to recover under normal circumstances. I find it helps to look back and analyse things. I also wrote down what helps so that I can think of ways to make myself more comfortable. I have realised that having an object between me and whoever I am talking to helps as long as they aren't blocking my exit. People controlling my exits seems to be a big no no for me as well.

I returned to work for the afternoon and did a bit of dog grooming then back to the office to return the new answer machine messages and the rest of the emails. Then my phone rang and it was the doctor from the trauma service. I was in telephone mode so I dealt with the phone call pretty well. I have an assessment next Friday to see if they can help me. After putting the phone down I lost it, my brain went haywire and my breathing went mad, my heart rate through the roof.

I tried to calm it and eventually it did settle but every time I stop I feel myself slipping away. It's been hours now and I still cannot get control of it. I will have to admit defeat soon.

 

[Echo]

@Wyakin - you've done so enormously well today. I'm not surprised after thinking about triggers, having had a difficult conversation with a man earlier and THEN speaking to the trauma service that you'll be feeling pretty jittery. You should, however, really congratulate yourself.

What works to calm you down normally? You mention about writing a list of triggers. I thought I would write a list of all my grounding techniques, because in the height of it, I have found I forget some of them. The thing I find helps most is music, speficially some kind of chanting or Tibetan bowls, something that is intended to reverberate very strongly in the body. It seems to calm me (and my cats) as powerfully as anything can. I often spend the last hours before bed trying out different youtube tracks. Anyway, you will have your own favourite things. I hope you can find a way to regulate yourself. Take care.

 

[Wyakin]

@Echo It was definitely the trauma service phone that tipped me over the edge. The trigger list although very hard to write and work on gives me a sense of control especially when I started noting what helps. It gives me something to hold on to.

Things that calm me. Stroking the dogs does and walking them as long as I walk briskly. Touching things seems to help, touching as many different feeling objects. I seem to be very reliant on touch whatever I am touching is usually the first thing I notice when I come out of a flashback then everything else comes back in to place.

I used to find music calming but now I do not like how it cuts down on my awareness of my surroundings. I have to be able to hear everything to keep myself safe or so part of me thinks.

Concentrating on my breathing, I like breathing which probably sounds strange but I am a musician so my ability to monitor my breathing is really important to me, no matter what I am doing I am nearly always aware of how fast I am breathing and how deeply.

Writing always helps but when I am really struggling I often look back at what I have written and it does not make sense at all, I blame autocorrect for that!

 

[The Albatross]

Reading along Wyakin, I have a whole house of rescues/abandoned/feral. I like that you break up your days into more manageable moments. I do that myself, "only four hours to go" and so forth. Sometimes my writing doesn't make much sense here. But when I read back I can most often find what tripped me up. Congratulations on starting your diary.

 

[Wyakin]

Hello @The Albatross It's funny you mention breaking up my days as it's something I have only started doing since I started writing this diary and setting myself tasks. I find having something to aim for helps me to keep going. I am hoping to get a better feel what knocks me by looking back at what I have written, it's amazing what can come out when you aren't even aware of it.

I am a sucker for a sob story, they just get to you don't they? For me it's an inevitable result of working in animal rescue.

Am entry:

Adrift, floating on a river. Earlier in the week I was just bobbing along trying to keep my head above water but yesterday I hit some rapids. I made it through but I am exhausted and it's getting harder to stay afloat. Today I fear I am heading for a waterfall, my only hope of salvation a planned walk with friends this evening. Just have to get through the day.

Today's aim: Try to hold a conversation with constant 'space invader' colleague while standing still, no backing off.

 

[Wyakin]

Today didn't go well.

My friend was back at work which was nice although she was in a lot of pain which is hard to see day in day out. I tried to convince her that maybe working part time would give her some relief and I also tried to make sure she knew I was there if she needed to go home. I know how she feels though, I know why she doesn't want to go home.

I struggled all morning though I wore a brave face. I didn't achieve my aim today but that was because the colleague that regularly stands too close to me didn't do that today. I could still feel my anxiety increasing, it came in waves but I was managing to keep going. When I came home at lunch I sat down and immediately zoned out. I came back about 15 minutes later just staring at the wall breathing rapidly. I don't know where I went. So in order to avoid that happening again I sorted the dogs and went back to work.

I spoke to my friend about last Friday, the first chance we have had to really talk about it we also discussed the changes taking place at work. Still the anxiety kept coming. I tried to keep going and went over to observe the evening feed prep, assess the weights that were taken that day and do the write up for tomorrow's staff. The minute I entered the kitchen my heart leapt, even as I was trying to focus on the tasks I could feel my breathing getting shallow. I fought it but then I felt pressure on my wrist and everything started to slip.

I know I made it home by myself though I'm not sure how, although I think I remember walking in through my front door and the dogs going straight out to wee, it was then that everything disappeared.

I was back there. Their hands on me, I try to ask them to stop, I plead with my eyes even as a hand covers my mouth. One holds my wrists while the others grab my legs, I fight I really try to stop them but I can't breathe. There are dots in front of my eyes and I can't fight anymore. The hand moves and the air comes back, I give one last feeble kick before I give up, I feel fear and shame. I turn my face away, tears in my eyes trying to pretend it's not happening but nothing can stop me feeling him on top of me.

 

[Echo]

((((((Wyakin))))) - you are so brave.

 

[Wyakin]

Last night was weird. It seems every time I came back to myself I slipped back out shortly after. My neighbour came round and gave me spaghetti bolognese for dinner, I must have eaten it because there is an empty plate on the side.

I don't really remember writing my last post or at least, I don't remember why I wrote it or how I felt. I have never written in that much detail before. I have read it once through, I cannot bring myself to read it again.

I am still emotionless except for fear. My brain feels like it is floating. I miss my emotions but I guess at the moment my brain is dealing with too much to feel. Even just letting my eyes rest on something briefly I start to drift. I really need to get some control.

Today's aim: Do the dishes.