Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

Dishes done, sometimes small aims are better.

My Dad came over today and helped me move the dog kennel from the other garden round to this side of the house. We then had lunch together. I am struggling with zoning but the conversation and banter with my Dad helped keep me here for the time he was around. We also managed to put a new hitch on the caravan so I can get on the road now the flooding has gone down.

I had a text from one of the staff at work that they had baked creme egg brownies and did I want to go down to have one. I was with Dad at the time but said I would pop down for 3 o'clock tea. My friend also messaged me to say I had an official looking letter, that freaked me a bit as most of my post goes to my Dad's house.

At 3pm I popped down and had a cup of tea and a very delicious creme egg brownie. I opened my letter. It was from the woman who treated me so badly last Friday in our meeting, the head of HR. She was concerned that I had misinterpreted some of what I had been told last Friday and wished to clarify it. She then proceeded to back track on pretty much everything I had been told, I am now allowed to speak to my colleagues about how I am feeling (within reason but I limited info anyway), I am allowed to stay and try to calm down if it is possible, I can speak to my friends/colleagues outside of work except when I am having a really dark moment (I never spoke to them in my dark moments anyway) and they do wish for me to be supported within the small team I work with as it would be better from me and them if we were open about what is going on.

I showed the letter to my friend who was also told exactly what I was on Friday so that she was aware of the rules I had to work under (she has the same seniority as me). She couldn't believe the turn around. I am not complaining as this is an improvement on the rules I have tried to work within for the last week, I just wish they would admit it was a mistake and not a clarification of my "misunderstanding."

I walked out of the office clutching that letter like it was my salvation, I feel so much better and it's a load off my mind. I have my voice back.

 

[Echo]

@Wyakin - I imagine she is covering her back after consulting an employment specialist or lawyer. She probably discovered that she had acted in a discriminatory manner towards you. She won't admit fault because of legal liability, I should imagine. Anyway, hooray! You can act more freely and feel more supported.

 

[Wyakin]

I believe you are right @Echo and I would never have pursued it anyway as I would not want to jeopardise my position here and my home but it has worked out for the best. I have had an unnecessary week from hell but I can live with that to get some freedom back. I do think she should think herself lucky that I am not suicidal though as her treatment of me could easily have pushed me over the edge, I just hope she has learnt her lesson and does not do the same to someone in a worse position than me.

 

[Wyakin]

Buzz buzz buzz, can't seem to switch my brain off, can't stop moving my hands, heart feels funny, beating too fast. Maybe dog walking will make it stop. Strange strange strange.

 

[Wyakin]

A good nights sleep last night. I think that letter has really helped calm me. I feel less adrift now. Not sure why I got so buzzy last night though, I just couldn't sit still. It has passed now though and I am pretty calm this morning even if I am up at stupid o'clock on my day off.

Nothing exciting on the cards today. I am supposed to be taking the dogs for a walk with friends this afternoon but that is weather dependent, my friends are fair weather dog walkers and 2 out of the 4 of mine are fair weather dogs.

I wrote a rough draft email last night to send to acknowledge receipt of the letter. I feel I should make it clear I got it and understood it without pointing fingers and shouting 'you changed your tune!'

Thank you for your letter regarding our recent meeting. I appreciate you clarifying the points raised and it has helped to answer some outstanding questions I felt unable to ask at the time. Thank you for taking the time to ensure I understand clearly what is expected of me and what I can and cannot discuss with my colleagues.

I have received my referral for further help and I will be attending an initial assessment appointment on Friday 2nd May with the Trauma service.

I am thankful for the adjustments made to help me through this stage in my life and the support I have been shown so far that has allowed me to keep working. I understand this is not something every employer would take the time to do.

Many thanks,

I was aiming for tact. Just have to get the nerve up to send it now.

Today's aim: Go to the supermarket for food (and loo roll!)

 

[Wyakin]

Finally found my purse, it was right where I thought it was and even though I checked the place three times it wasn't until I went back the fourth time that I found it. I decided I would go to the small supermarket in town rather than wimping out and going to the corner shop.

It was busy with lots of people and children and general dawdling, I can't stand dawdling. I didn't have much to get, mostly only the loo roll and any food I think I might actually eat. I made it round without too many problems right up until I got to the self serve check outs.

I was at one and there was a woman and man at the other two. The man suddenly erupts at the machine because it rejected his card. He hit it and yelled and when the staff went over to calm him down he just got worse. I was frozen to the spot, trying anything to stay present I just needed to pay and go. I finished up and ran from the shop out to my car. Malcolm had crept through to the front seat and when I opened the passenger door to put the shopping in he leapt out and put his paws on me, he never normally leaves the car unless told to. It was just what I needed though I looked a fool sitting in the car park sobbing in to my dogs fur, luckily I was in a corner space so no one could see me.

He really helped to calm me down and I was able to drive home. I am exhausted now but writing about it has helped.

 

[Wyakin]

Have woken up with very little motivation today. I really don't want to go to work. I had a nightmare last night and I can't seem to move on from it.

There is a pressure on my wrist and chest, the side where my ribs were broken, like a constant reminder, keeping me just on the edge of another flashback.

I just want to give up, let the flashback come and get it over with but at the same time I can't think of anything more frightening. I know I always come out of them but I worry that one day I won't. One day I'll end up back there stuck in a constant loop.

I'll stop there as I am winding myself up just thinking about it and that's not going to help.

Today's aim: Go to work.

 

[Notsowild]

Going to the supermarket is so hard. I try to go when there is less people usually after dinner. But I can still get agitated. I make a list so I don't forget anything . Then I grab pay and go.

Love reading your posts btw

 

[Echo]

What a horrible experience in the supermarket! And so hard to have these lurches when you are trying to stay calm. You are doing so well to keep going. I hope the animals at work and your pets will look after you today.

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you @Notsowild I am finding writing this incredibly helpful. I tend not to make a list but I always know what I need and I am like you, go in, get it, pay, leave!

@Echo I was so surprised as it seemed like such an extreme reaction but once I'd calm need down I realised maybe he has something going on himself so who am I to judge. I was working with the field animals today so got to spend the day with the horses and things. I avoided getting head butted by the naughty goats but did get shoved around by an unruly sheep. They do help to keep me going!


I managed to get through the day today. The morning was difficult but once I got going I calmed down and enjoyed the routine. A morning of poo picking and stable mucking out is very cathartic. I helped my ill friend out by doing some of the things on her to do list since she was busy this morning, that helped to make me feel like I was being useful. I then went in to town and did some of the works banking which is something I have never done before so I'm pretty chuffed with myself now.

So for a bad start it ended well :)

 

[Wyakin]

Since Friday's flashback I have been writing a little bit every now and again about the incident it relates to. It has taken me all weekend and a lot of difficulty but I have written a small (although it might not seem small to others) account of it. I do not go in to too much detail about what happened, any attempt at detail was too much but I have coped for the most part with it.

It is time to share it I think.

Their hands on me, I try to ask them to stop, I plead with my eyes even as a hand covers my mouth. One holds my wrists while the others grab my legs, I fight I really try to stop them but I can't breathe. There are dots in front of my eyes and I can't fight anymore. The hand moves and the air comes back, I give one last feeble kick before I give up, I feel fear and shame. I turn my face away, tears in my eyes trying to pretend it's not happening but nothing can stop me feeling him on top of me.

They each take their turn one, two, three. The last one was the worst. He hits me, he likes to inflict pain. He puts his hands round my throat and squeezes, I try to breathe but it is difficult. He is heavy on me, thrusting faster and faster. The dots appear again. I think I am going to die and I am relieved. Death is better than living in this.

He pushes harder than he has before and shudders. His hands lose their grip on my throat and air flows back in to me. One of the others still holds me even though I don't fight anymore, his hands still on my wrists. The third one gets up and kicks me, I curl trying to protect my stomach so he kicks me again, the one holding my wrists stops me from properly protecting myself.

They are panicked now, they know they will be caught. He kicks me again, harder, pain in my face where his boot blackens my eye. I have stopped feeling, I flinch when he raises his foot but no longer try to stop the blows. He likes that and continues hurting me.

At some point the wrist holder let's go, I roll on my side, the kicker stamps on my chest and my ribs pop. I don't care any more, let them hurt me, kill me. A noise outside makes them stop, they slip out and flee. For a while I lay there, the pain is too much. I think I black out but I cannot be sure, I do not know what the time is.

At some point I crawl towards the door, I try to call for help but my voice is hoarse and too quiet to be heard. I do not think they will come back, they are done with me. I get my keys and start tapping them on the pipes, someone must hear it. My head is throbbing, I am hitting the pipes in time to it. I am aware of my torn clothes but I cannot piece them back together. I keep tapping. I hear voices, running feet. I tap harder.

The footsteps pass by, I hear my radio. They are looking for me. I try to look and see where it is but one eye is swollen shut and the other is too bloody to see clearly out of. I am alone in the dark. My radio goes again. It is here, somewhere. I keep tapping.

More footsteps come, voices. My radio goes and I hear a shout.

They come in, my supervisor and another. She tells the other to get a blanket as she kneels next to me. She looks me in the eye and apologises for sending me here alone. I am crying. The pain is too much, the shame. The other returns with a blanket and some dignity is restored. Frantic radio messages are sent while she sits on the floor with me, holding me, telling me it will be ok. The doctor arrives from the infirmary, he reaches out to me and I flinch, I see sadness in his eyes. I disappear then.

I wake up in the infirmary, my supervisor is by my bed, she has been crying. She holds my hand. I look at her and see the sadness on her face, the grief, for a minute I have forgotten then it comes back. I cry.

The next few days are a blur; interviews, examinations, pain. I try my best to keep going, pretend I am ok. I am back at work within two weeks but see the sadness in others eyes. I make plans to leave, my usual way of dealing with things. New Zealand, that sounds good, five months before I can go, meanwhile I can add this to my box, my little box of memories I don't want to remember. I shove it to the back of my mind, pretend I am fine and walk with my head high even when inside I want to hide.

 

[Echo]

There are no words, @Wyakin, to do justice to your pain and the affront done to you. But I hear you in your bravery. Gentle hugs if you will accept them, Echo x