Beginning The Fight Against Broken Brain.

[Wyakin]

@Echo I think I might be able to manage broad brushstrokes, just about. I will hold on to that.


Brain isn't here this morning. Going to throw myself in to work and hope it helps.

Today's aim: Make it to and through my appointment.

 

[Wyakin]

I made it. I did it. I had several flash backs during the meeting and my anxiety and hyper vigilance were through the roof.

The doctor was really nice and I felt so bad that I jumped every time he moved or spoke and did not manage eye contact. He has given me some grounding exercises to use and has gone away to discuss the next steps with a colleague.

Can't write more, my head isn't here enough.

 

[Echo]

Well done, you made it! I hope they've got something appropriate therapy-wise locally to you and won't keep you waiting for ridiculous months, like me.

 

[Wyakin]

One pill to make me normal,
One pill to keep me sane,
One pill to help me start to be me again,
One pill to stop the hurting,
One pill to lower the fear,
One pill to help me hold on and stay present here,
One pill to keep me going,
One pill when I'm depressed,
One pill to hide the thoughts inside and stop me getting stressed,
One pill to make me suitable for other people to see,
One pill to get control of the darker part of me.

 

[Wyakin]

@Echo Thank you. He implied it would be a fairly quick process. The first stage would be a six week group course to learn grounding exercises then once I'd done that we would move on to one to one therapy. That is all providing they feel I can cope with it. Given that I dissociated every time he got even close to mentioning it they may say I am not ready but I don't know. He said he would call me Tuesday to let me know.


I am still really spaced this morning, really struggling to keep here. I am trying the grounding exercises though and the dogs are helping. I am not completely lost as I was several times yesterday. I think I will just take it easy today, maybe do some washing, walk the dogs and relax. I am very tired from yesterday.

We didn't even talk about too much in great detail. Just discussed how what is going on affects me and what helps. He asked me several times about whether I am suicidal. I said no I am not but I am not 100% sure he believed me. The important thing is I know I am not. I don't remember a large amount of the time but I do remember the doctor being nice. He kept telling me these things were all common in people who are struggling with traumatic memories.

I felt better for having someone tell me this isn't unusual, that I am not alone. I already knew I wasn't thanks to this forum but to have someone actually say it to me has helped. I also felt better for having things confirmed like my flashbacks and dissociation, I hadn't believed in them until now, I had always felt I was just being a wimp and I needed to suck it up and get on with it even though what I have read of others experiences lined up exactly with my own.

To have someone put a name to it has opened up a whole host of thoughts some good, some bad but it has helped me to feel like I understand this all a little bit better.

Today's aim: Practice some grounding techniques.

 

[Echo]

@Wyakin, well that would be fast for the NHS! Brilliant! The provision is so different from county to county. I hope the subsequent therapy suits you. When you've got time, perhaps researching the types of trauma therapy would help you feel in control.

 

[Wyakin]

@Echo The doctor I saw yesterday is a trauma specialist so I feel I have already landed on my feet. He may assess me as requiring different support but I doubt it. They are actually the local veterans support. I guess I am lucky, I must be in a good county. We'll find out Tuesday whether it will be as fast as I hope. I am sorry you have been messed around so much. Post code lotteries aren't fair.

 

[Wyakin]

I'm exhausted. I have spent all day battling to keep myself present and I am too tired to care anymore. The hyper-vigilance is too much, I am so fed up of reacting to every sound and movement. I just want to relax. I have thought about calling for help but every time I try I hang up. I even cut off my conversation with a friend.

If the memories want to come, let them, I am too weak to fight them anymore today.

 

[Wyakin]

I am so drained from yesterday. It seems every time I stop something happens. My brain is out of control. I have so much to do today but I am too tired to do it, just keeping myself together is taking all my concentration. I have work tomorrow I need to stop this before then.

Today's aim: Mow the garden.

 

[Echo]

It sounds as if you got really triggered as I did by this interview. It took me some days to get over it. Luckily I saw my therapist straight afterwards and it took her the whole session to get me back.

She does things like asking me to think of my favourite 'healing' colour and to sit and imagine it slowly filtering down into my brain and then on into my body as far as it will go. Or she'll ask me where in my body I am still strong and know who I am (in my case it was just one vertebra behind my heart) and she'll get me to sit and concentrate on that feeling and allow it to spread into my heart (which calms it down eventually) and then on into my body as far as it will go. All the while doing various breathing exercises or just concentrating on my breathing. I wonder if you could find something similar on the internet, some kind of guided visualisation for trauma. Belleruth Naparstek, whose fantastic book, Invisible Heroes, Survivors of Trauma and How they Heal, specialises in visualisation like this. I haven't done it yet, but you can download mp3 recordings for PTSD and other things from her website, healthjourneys.com - I hope this might help bring you back to yourself a bit.

 

[Wyakin]

Thank you Echo I'll have a look at those sites and books. I have taken the dogs on a two hour walk, it was lovely. The advantage of living in the middle of nowhere is I can walk for miles and not see a single soul. By the time I got back I had calmed down enough to mow the garden. I'm knackered now though so I think I might have a nap if I can.

 

[Wyakin]

Trying to go to sleep but I am worried about tomorrow. I haven't managed to get any form of control over my anxiety or the hyper vigilance which are just stuck in a loop of making things worse.

I'm really worried that someone will comment on the hyper vigilance at work tomorrow and my manager is back on Tuesday.

I'm worried because my reactivity was something the CEO told me off for in our meeting the other week. I can't stand a talking to right now. If I get pulled up for this I think I might just crumble.

The stupid thing is stressing about it is only making it all worse and I wouldn't be stressing if she hadn't treated me so poorly.