I hit a low last night. When I finally made it home from work after an exhausting day I didn't go back out to my Dad's. Instead I had a shower and my friend came over. When she arrived I was writing the note to inform her of what she needed to know for work the next day. I had decided to write it at home because a Beaver Scout group had arrived and the amount of noise was pushing me close to the edge.
By the end of the day my brain was frazzled, I was struggling to make sentences and everything was taking twice as long as it should. I had shut down from exhaustion I think. I spent all day highly anxious, constantly on guard and that along with a massive work load took the last of my energy, not helped by unhelpful staff!
I was ok though, tired, anxious, reactive but ok. I stayed late to finish my work and wait for a staff member to return with the dog who had been operated on that day. She had ended up leaving late for him because the operation was late in the day. By this point my manager and everyone else had gone. I helped her unload the dog and sorted the rest of the paperwork out. When she came back in to the office I spoke to her about her day. She had been having a rough time of it and a brief conversation at lunch almost reduced her to tears. I don't like seeing people like that. We discussed the issues she was having, mostly pertaining to another staff member, and I gently encouraged her to talk to my manager. I have left the choice up to her however much I desperately want to get her help and stop her being treated the way she is it is not my place to go over her head.
We discussed a few other things and she turned the topic back on to me. She said she was glad I was speaking to my other friend a lot (we both know her as we all work together) and that she was glad I was speaking at all because it's not like me. Then she said that my other friend isn't going to be around forever though and maybe I need to find someone else to speak to. I agreed, I know my friend is unwell and will soon be going in for an operation, I am worried about her but our relationship has always been one of mutual support, although I did not say the last bit out loud. She then asked if I had anyone else, I informed her that no one else cared. The reason I say this is because the one other person who has seen me at my lowest speaks to me once a week, she doesn't check in with me regularly and she has recently been very unreliable so I find I cannot trust her anymore.
It hurt me to have that said to me, 'maybe you need to find someone else to speak to.' For me it implied that the relationship is entirely one way. It is something I constantly worry about, how much my fiend has to cope with of her own problems, how much of my issues she helps me with. I worry that it is too much and unfair on me to involve her. I have spoken about it many times and every time she reassures me and says she will let me know if it is too much. Nevertheless it is still something I am cautious of to the point that I had started to hide stuff from her again. I have stopped now though because I know it hurts her when I push her away.
I can see (with the help of my friend ) how from an outsiders perspective it would be seen as a very one way relationship. My friend visits me at lunch and comes over my house in the evenings. I rarely go to hers. If I am having a bad day she will often seem slightly more stressed and sometimes what she sees does upset her and there is no hiding that when she goes back down to work after visiting. If I disappear off she is the first person to come to find me and she will sit with me as long as it takes to calm me down.
What the others don't see is how often I check in with her, how much I worry about her pain levels day in day out. How when she is struggling herself I will sit on the other end of the phone doing my best to cheer her up as that is all I can do for her. She can help me in a variety of ways but I cannot take away her pain, all I can do is sit with her and be as supportive as possible. I wish I could do more but I am coming to accept that I cannot. I don't visit her in lunch breaks on her day off because she lives miles away, I live at work. I don't go to her house because she has family and it is too much for me. Besides on our own we can talk more openly. My house is better suited for that.
It doesn't help that I am less open with my emotions, I have always been a very closed off person. I'm not very good at openly showing affection, I am not touchy feely. So the others do not see me reciprocating the care that my friend shows me but she knows I do. I will stand closer to her than anyone because I feel safe, that is a big thing for me. I don't do hugs but I will come up next to people and lean against them from the side to show I am there, this can be done with no one else even noticing and although it is often brief my friend knows what it takes for me to do that and appreciates it. Most importantly, I think, I sit and listen. There are ups and downs in any illness and I do my best to be there for here however she is feeling, whether that means laughing with her at daft things or listening to her vent or cry, I will do it because I care. She is having such a hard time at the moment I am genuinely happier when she is happy, I hate seeing her suffer.
Part of me doesn't care what others think, I know I help my friend and I don't do it for them I do it for her. I really, honestly wish there was more I could do but I can't because I am not a doctor. For now I will do what I can and stuff what others think. In someways though it still hurts to think people see me as using her, that the relationship is all one way because it says a lot about the type of person they think I am. That is what hurts about it, not that no one see how much I care in return but the way they must view me to have even reached that conclusion in the first place.
It seems I needed to get that off of my chest. Last night wasn't as bad as the last couple of nights have been. I have the day off today and have my weekly appointment this afternoon. This morning I will clean the house. Last nights crying has given me some relief. I hate getting to that point but I guess sometimes it is necessary.
