Being Chronically Avoidant Of Emotional Closeness Means...

[Justmehere]

...I attract people who like me when I'm the most emotionally distant and unreal.

And it feels awful.

This post is partly to vent and partly to process what I need to do in this specific situation and in my relationships as a whole.

I stink at this dating thing. I have a friend who has gone through a rough time and I was sort of there there for them, but only through private messages on FB. His mess is over and he finalized a divorce yesterday. I didn't help him on that issue. It sort of doesn't matter(or does it?) because I have been clear from the beginning I can only be a friend nothing more. Period.

I do like being friends, to the very limited degree that we are, but I'm absolutely not interested in anything else with him. At all.

I recently began to open up a tiny amount to him about my own life... just a small happy thing that happened for me, but it was a vulnerable thing to share. He responded by asking if he could ask me a question. He then said he was in the hospital waiting for a cat scan, so I said sure, thinking it was a medical thing. He asked if I was dating anyone and if I would be interested in dating him. I didn't want to be too harsh, but I think I probably should have been more clear. I replied, "thank you for the compliments and interest but no, and I'm not interested in dating. I'm working through my own stuff and it's not a good fit or time for me."

He expressed he has had romantic interest since high school, and that he was so nervous to ask and had been thinking about it for months... and on and on... and I replied, "I can be your friend :), I can't be anything else but I can be a friend." I told him I have my own stuff and I'm not that awesome, a lot can be missed on FB, but even if I was that awesome, it's not the right fit for me....

He then asked if he could come visit me in a month and then texted about the CT scan. I said "focus on your health today and I will message later." That was a mistake... He took it as an open door.

He asked if he could drive down to see me in a month. I was confused because I'm ok with friends, but not this - and friends don't push. I don't want to have to tell off a friend... I told him no again...

He then wrote:

"Just to make it clear, im not trying to rush us into anything, i just wanted to finally made my feelings known.. And im kind of old fashion, but my heart cant take dating someone who is maybe interested in someone else or not having some level of commitment... But i totally understand where you are at and i wont push.. Just sometimes two people that care about eachother can be therapeutic..."

I have a huge thing when it comes to someone telling me what is and isn't therapeutic for me. I haven't responded yet. I think I need to say "I have no commitment to dating you in the future. No thank you." and give no explaination, and leave it at that.

But I'm upset. I feel like this friendship is now toast. I also feel used somehow, but I'm not sure that has anything to do with him. It keeps happening. I am trying to show up more in my friendships and I keep feeling used... Like people like an idealized version of me, and not the real me.

I kinda want to be as clear as possible as soon as possible - and even say "um, how about you wait more than a day after your divorce is final?!" But it's not my place. He can do whatever he wants with his life. I'm not interested in dating. Period.

The people I would actually date are not interested in me... and the people who are interested in me don't give a crap about my boundaries. They have learned to like me as a distant person.

The story I had shared with him was my struggle to accept kindness from a friend and former advocate who knows the worst about me but likes me anyhow, as a friend, and how much I was struggling not to push it away.

And this is the problem with pushing everyone away. It means I have attracted people who like me when the real me isn't actually there. And when I do show up, everything gets weird.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Thats a hard one. Def Id be clear as you can that you dont want to date anyone, has nothing to with him, you just arent intrested in dating but that you value your friendship with him and would love if you two could remain friends.

I do understand about pushing people away and people liking the idealization of you and not the real you, my dad does that.

In any case, i wouldnt make yourself vulnerable so dont tell him why you dont want to date anyone (and its none of his business anyway) but be as clear as possible but as nice as possible but also advise you value your friendship and that you want to remain friends.

If the friendship is toast, it isnt his fault as i feel he pushed and though you left a bit of an open door, "I"ll message you later" doesnt mean "I'll date you"...it means im busy at the moment and i will get to you when i can.

 

[Anarchy]

The whole area is so complicated.

These are my thoughts, and I'll refund every penny that you paid me for them if you think they're not worth the money;)

I don't know if the friendship is necessarily toast. Clearly for you do not like pushy persistence

There are people who will play hard to get, in order to determine whether the other person is willing to expend some effort, and to demonstrate that they are neither "easy", nor are they to be taken for granted.

I'm guessing that clear and hopefully unambiguous communication is the key
communicating that your reasons for not wanting to date are not going to change in the next few decades and that they are private reasons (no dates, no flings, no f*ck buddies, no smutty phone calls)

also that for you, pushy persistence feels like an invasive disrespect for boundaries.

In the longer term his next GF might have big issues about him having female friends, especially if she figures out that he can go for someone who has their qualities.

That can feel like betrayal (even though there was never going to be anything romantic or sexual between you), so perhaps building some distance is a good idea.

 

[Justmehere]

Thanks for the feedback. @lostforgottensoul - good input. I think you are right about needing to be clear and not bein vulnerable about why. He's not acting in a way that is good to risk vulnerability with.

@Anarchy - good point about people who play hard to get and being really clear what "just friends" means. It does feel like a betrayal. Like he was saying one thing and doing another and I'm just an object for him to imagine things about, not be in a real relationship with. I think I am going to keep some distance from him.

I sent him gentle but clear message that I want to be friends but I'm absolutely not interested in dating or being anything but friends. No romance, no sex, just friends. I told him if that means we can't be friends, I can respect that.

He sort of took it ok... And said "of course we will always be friends..." Of course? We? I feel defensive and weird now. He explained he "offered" to date me because he knew I needed a man to love me unconditionally. Someone who would always be there for me and so on. He can be that man.

Right. Now I don't want to be friends. He doesn't even know me... All of this has been all about him and his struggle and so on! How can he even make these grandiose commitments...? He told me he has anxiety is in counseling and etc, and I'm trying to let him down gently. I don't want to be his object of his grand statements...

He never has even asked me what is going on in my life, how I'm doing, what I want and need in my own life but he is sure interested in declaring he can be all that and more...

And he's not the only one who has never asked - especially lately. I never expect people to ask, I assume they won't, and look... I found people to live up to that expectation.

Feeling thankful for two friends who do ask and for you all here. I think I really needed to be able to be heard and real today.

 

[Justmehere]

He has already messaged me yet again to ask if he can come visit to "see if there is a spark or if we will be forever friends."

:banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

"offered" to date me because he knew I needed a man to love me unconditionally. Someone who would always be there for me and so on. He can be that man.

OMG I JUST WANT TO SCREAM!!!

The first, very first thing I did was to become ok without a man. I can support myself, take care of myself, live by myself (and my animals) but I dont need a man. He was offering?

This whole post makes me want to tear off his head! Let me say @Justmehere you are dealing with this way better than i would and i wouldnt want to be friends anymore either!

Im sorry this happened! :hug:

 

[lostforgottensoul]

"see if there is a spark or if we will be forever friends."

Can i hit him? Can someone say clueless? :bored:

 

[Sideways]

For what it's worth, I've got rather robust attachment issues. People tell me all sorts of personal stuff about their lives - stuff like, "okay, don't think I needed quite that level of detail...awkward". And I also tend to find out fairly late in the piece that there's quite a few people out there who consider me to be a really good friend (really??).

But I've been told on several occasions now - people don't ask me about my life, or anything personal, even though I'm getting the blow-by-blow of their life, because apparently people can "just tell" I don't want to talk about me...:confused:

Mostly they're right, but not always. Sometimes I wanna talk about my life because not ever talking about it to anyone is really friggin isolating. But there seems to be some kind of vibe that people just pick up, consistently, that makes people not ask me about what's going on for me.

That's something I'm doing unconsciously. But it's got to be real, because the feedback I get is pretty consistent.

Don't know, but maybe you're unknowingly giving that same vibe?:tdown:

 

[EveHarrington]

Clarification-----

Is this an old high school friend that you reconnected with online and currently only know online?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

But there seems to be some kind of vibe that people just pick up

I know, like whats up with the "vibe" because my "vibe" apparently is "stay far far away from her" or "she's weird' or something lol. Probably due to my fear of people but thats sad cause i cant approach anyone about anything, so i cant invite myself to coffee, someone has to invite me and well no one does because of the "vibe". :banghead:

This dude though, my vibe over the dude that @Justmehere is talking about is he has some major issues for realz!

 

[Justmehere]

Is this an old high school friend that you reconnected with online and currently only know online?

Yep. Exactly. He was going through a situation and mutual friend with whom I am friends with offline knew I had gone through something similar and asked me if I would be willing to reach out and talk to him. I agreed to chat online through FB with him as someone who had been there... Our mutual friend didn't share anything of mine with him, just asked if I would be willing to talk. His mom even sent me a messages though because my mom told her... Um, yeah, weird, but she was super sweet and about it and terribly respectful of my space.

And that's actually why I was clear from the get go, "I'm reaching out as just a friend only and nothing more." Nothing more! All I offered was a listening ear and a soundboard. I pretty much set this up to get weird. I did give off a vibe. More than that. I never ever did anything to suggest anything romantic, and outside of the initial contact, I never initiated any contact with him... I always tried to keep it two ways, and we messaged maybe once a week over a 3 month period.

And yeah, he has major issues far beyond me...

Sigh.

I need to give him a different vibe in a hurry. I feel bad, like I set this up to somehow turn into this - but I'm also clear, no, no, no... And it doesn't mean anything.

I don't even remember him much from high school. Just that he was there. We were not even like friends back then.

 

[Justmehere]

We were not enemies either - I was a really shy kid and didn't have many friends then. :(