Body Memory Or Feeling=real Memory (have You Been There?)

[amosmorris]

I am trying to navigate the scariness of the past 24 or so hours and could use some support from those who've been there. This is a first for me: I let my guard down enough in therapy to just describe what I was physically feeling in the moment...normally I wouldn't do this, as I'd disqualify anything that was just a feeling but not "real", if that makes sense. But my T has been encouraging this and so I found myself--much to my own surprise--describing the very real feeling of being straddled and sat on by my mother. It was awful, and I started to feel nauseous, and--just--ugh. I thought the feeling was a representation--kind of metaphorical--of her/how she's made me feel (and here I'm just skipping the details of all that). It was an intense enough session that my T actually texted me later in the afternoon to see how I was.

I felt kind of sick the rest of the day, went to bed and had a horrible (though unrelated) dream, and by the time I woke up the following morning I knew that--in fact--that wasn't just a feeling, but that she had actually straddled and sat on me and my brother. She used to pin us down, arms to our sides, and sit on our chests--and she'd put salt water in our noses and syringe them (an infant syringe for those who've taken care of babies--but we were not babies at the time). This wasn't a singular incident, but rather a practice, and something that we submitted to because it was just..expected. I remember that it was awful, and I remember clearly now physical feelings/sensations associated with it--salt water running down my face and in my throat as I struggled, the weight of her on my chest, the feeling of my arms pinned to my sides, the coarse feeling of the carpet--the color of the carpet--the smell of the carpet. This was one of the ways she "took care" of us--and that's how we thought of it.

It was so strange to have the memory come into focus, and to know that I knew it but that I had just "forgotten". I reached out to my brother and was like "do you remember this...?" and his response was "of course I remember that." It's just one thing and, though weird and obviously oppressive/too much, my sense is of course that it's not that bad--there are other things I remember but they don't fit here--and then I worry that there are still other things that I have similarly forgotten and that are going to keep kind of coming upon me like this, maybe worse things...I feel basically scared of my own mind. I wonder if anyone can share some experience or words of wisdom on how to move through this...? Have you been through this body sensation=actual memory exp and what's it been like for you? Thank you so much in advance.

 

[recoveringfromptsd]

I get body memories all the time, and they are difficult to cope with, often even triggering.

 

[Rosa]

Hi Amosmorris:
That sounds like quite a memory to re-experience and I am not surprised your T texted you after. I went through intense T back in the 90's and dredged up everything from my childhood (there was a lot) and all sorts of things popped up that were later confirmed by other family members. For instance, I remembered being twirled high up near the ceiling by my father while I was screaming in terror and my mother was saying, "oh, put her down!". I found out I was only 18 months at the time and an older sister stood by watching it happen (she would later become the main instigator of emotional abuse towards me). I was in terror of my father my whole childhood and this incident was one significant one (amongst many others). Remembering it let me put in perspective my sister's later abusive tendencies as I believe our father actually "taught" her that it was ok to be hurtful and disregarding of my feelings (she is 8 yrs older than me).

During T, these memories will pile up and paint a picture. It is that picture that you must come to terms with and when you do, you may, like me, actually get somewhat bored even thinking of all the different incidences over and over again. When/if that happens, you will be able to move on with your life and leave that stuff behind (the good news). The bad news though, is that you will always have to adjust your thinking to the fact that you have been hard-wired a certain way and that will remain. You must develop a "tool kit" of strategies to help you get through tough or stressful times and one of these tools is self-compassion. You must grow to become the adult that actually takes care of that hurt child inside of you. You can do this, and even perhaps come to a place where you can forgive (but don't worry about this part of things for now). By the time my father passed away, he and I had a very adult relationship and it was on equal terms. I was fortunate though, that he made a real effort to overcome his previously abusive behaviours and I will always be grateful for that.

I wish you all the best. It sounds like you are on a journey and doing the right things. Though our stories may be entirely different, some themes remain and I am sure if you stick to it you will get through this and come out wiser and calmer and maybe with some improved relationships as well. Best wishes to you!
Rosa

 

[amosmorris]

@Rosa thank you for this--so much. I'm in a very strange place and I can't tell you how helpful it is to have someone paint a kind of trajectory for me so I can have some faith/ways to stay with all this...

 

[asadafagahajakal]

I tell people you dont know a cringe moment until you experience body memories of traumatic events. You are not alone. These are the worst.

And this is the reason so far ive been pretty vague with my t. But to my defense ive only seen her 3 times. Im not ready to just induce these memories in front of someone

 

[BlueOrange]

And this is the reason so far ive been pretty vague with my t. But to my defense ive only seen her 3 times. Im not ready to just induce these memories in front of someone

There's stuff that took me years before I trusted my T enough to show it to him. I was glad that I did it, but it does take time. And there is no magic T who is good for absolutely everybody - sometimes, it just doesn't work.

 

[amosmorris]

@Charleh and @BlueOrange --thank you both so much for this. This helps me. I am feeling alone--and kind of scared of being alone with my own mind, if that makes sense (I bet it does, from what you say).

I've been working with my T for two years now and I think the fact that this is new for me speaks to just how slow and hard this process is/has been. I have a hard time with trust and safety--what a struggle. And part of what I'm dealing with now is of course all the shame and vulnerability that came from having that body memory (which I did not realize it was in the moment) in front of her...and then now the fact that it was actually a real, lived experience I've had (which I haven't told her yet--that's coming up this week)--only compounds some of my sense of shame/vulnerability. I struggle a lot with feeling repulsive/gross and...worrying that she feels afraid of or repulsed by me (she of course denies these things adamantly--wouldn't it be amazing if that was enough to stop the feelings??)...I admit that this experience has been really hard. On one hand I'll say it's definitely a lesson in learning to trust the body. On the other it was a very bad feeling, and it's been very unnerving to realize the whole thing was...real....and to contend with what that says about me/who I am/what I know....hard stuff, as you know.

Again--thank you thank you--I do feel less alone and so grateful for that.

 

[Carmen J. Brown]

I am trying to navigate the scariness of the past 24 or so hours and could use some support from tho...

Over the summer I started remembering things from my past. Body memories. I remembered a time when I was 8. A boy of about 15 or 16 told me to come upstairs to the bedroom with him and said that we were gonna play a game. Stupid little 8 year old kid that I was, I believed him. He told me to lay down on the bed and I did. Then he straddled me and layed down on top of me. Now keep in mind this kid is way older than me. I couldn't breathe and he was pushing his body onto mine. I remember that my arm hurt and the feeling of not being able to breathe.I tried to scream but he wouldn't get off an nobody was around to hear. (They were all outside) I begged him to let me go and told him I needed to go to the bathroom. He wouldn't let me go until I promised that I would come back after I went to the bathroom. I don't know how long it really was but it felt like forever. Once he finally got off me I stumbled to the bathroom and locked the door. As I tried to catch my breath I knew I couldn't go back in there. Thankfully, my brother and sister were looking for me and they found me. I cried as I tried to tell them what happened. So ten years later as I'm remembering all this, I couldnt breathe when I thought about it (I can now but it took me a while to get to that point) I felt so disgusted with myself even though it wasn't my fault. Whenever someone would put pressure on my body my mind would go back to that night. Body memories. I know what your talking about. I can't imagine what it must have been like to experience that over and over again and I'm sorry that you went through that. And I'm glad you have a therapist to help you.

Before I started remembering that and other things, I didn't think they were real memories. I kinda knew that they happened but they didn't seem real. Once I started talking about it I would get panic attacks and wouldn't be able to breathe for a while. I talked about it to different adults in my life. Some of it helped, some of it didn't. (But not my mom because she is a narcissist and yes, I'm sure.) but now when I think about it, I am in control of my body and I can think about it without feeling that pressure. You will get there too. Just be patient with yourself.

 

[BlueOrange]

kind of scared of being alone with my own mind, if that makes sense (I bet it does, from what you say).

You'd be right :)

My biggest fear is of my own mind.