Boundaries

[Kopykat]

I haven’t posted in awhile, I’ve been isolating bc I’m super overwhelmed w all this medical stuff and the possibility of more surgery. Anyways, I had a therapy session tonight and it was weird. We got in this weird argument/deadlock about boundaries. I hate talking about boundaries bc it’s painful and I don’t know why. I understand why they’re necessary for my therapist and why she has them, honestly I do. And I understand that they protect me as well. It’s just painful to talk about boundaries w her or anyone and I can’t figure it out. Needless to say I left therapy feeling more confused and angry than when I went in and now I have a headache.

If anyone could shed some light onto this, I’d be grateful. I’m sure it’s something obvious.

 

[EveHarrington]

Do boundaries feel like rejection?

They do for me.

 

[Kopykat]

Yeah they do. My therapist tried saying it’s not the same as rejection?

 

[EveHarrington]

No, boundaries aren’t the same as rejection, but for some of us it feels the same, although the meaning behind each is very different. It’s hard to not interpret someone else’s boundaries as a rejection of me. I’m still working on it.

 

[Kopykat]

Yeah it really sucks. :(

 

[EveHarrington]

I’m really struggling with this right now. I just want to let you know you’re not alone. Hugs.

 

[Emotional girl]

I also find the whole boundaries and attachment to people really difficult.
I was discussing this yesterday with my T and we worked out that I get too attached too quickly to people who show me the smallest bit of love and then I try and push boundaries in order to get people to like me but it often ends up back firing as people find me too clingy.
I am really attached to my T and try and push boundaries with him quite a bit but I am trying to rein myself in but it is difficult.
Maybe before your next session you could write down how you felt when your T was talking to you and how you feel that she didn't quite get where you are coming from and that boundaries are something that you need to work on.

 

[scout86]

I understand why they’re necessary for my therapist and why she has them, honestly I do.

Do you understand why having your own boundaries is good too? Boundaries aren't just something other people set up to keep themselves safe and comfortable, they are something WE can set up for ourselves, to the same thing.

 

[Friday]

I understand why they’re necessary for my therapist and why she has them, honestly I do.

2 Q's Here

1) Can you write them out?

One of the things I've found bridges the distance between knowing & believing (head v heart) is breaking shit down into component pieces. I'm often kinda floored by the prejudice/ cognitive distortions/ subtext that's in what I "know". And then? It's like well no f*cking wonder! (That I don't really believe what I "know"). Because I'm believing the distortions I have shackled to them, and they both can't pass through the barrier, because they contradict. Meaning that the distortions actually remove the meaning of what I "know". So then all I'm left with is the distortion. It's like trying to pass fire through water. It just keeps snuffing out. Before I can really believe / grok / understand a thing? First I have to untangle it. 9 times out of 10.

2) I'm really curious about your phrasing, here. It sounds like you believe that boundaries are something she has. Instead of things we all have. Like rules that are being handed down, maybe? What really strikes me (and I don't know your trauma history) is the adult child relationship. Adults make the rules that children have to follow and have no say in; but those selfsame rules don't apply to adults, and without the adult creating the rules, they wouldn't exist at all. Not in a bad way, in a "Bedtime is 8pm, because I've decided that's when you're going to bed,". Remove the adult? The rule goes with them. There would be no bedtime without the adult saying so.... Very much opposed to rules that apply equally to both the adult AND child... or sleep, which also applies to both adult and child.

- 2 Adults + 1 Child = All sleep
- Adults create & enforce the rules of bedtime for the child.
- Both adults create their own rules & have their own boundaries about their own sleep. Neither has the right to dictate to the other adult when/where/how the other sleeps... although both are free to ask/negotiate/attempt an agreement about certain aspects of sleep with the other... and both will have their own boundaries surrounding sleep / sharing a bed / etc. Each has equal rights / it's a self-selecting arrangement.

Does that make sense? Or am I reading things wrong?

 

[Kopykat]

I guess an example of boundaries w my T would be that she is unavailable for emergencies and outside of session. It is something I have struggled w but have gotten better.

I think boundaries have been blurred between us a few times such as she used to take phone calls from me in emergencies or texts and then decided she can’t or she has given me money before for a baked good but I was the one that actually had a problem w that.

We have worked together over 5 years and these things happened over that span not just recently. I struggle w it bc I do feel like sometimes she makes unilateral decisions for the relationship so in a way I feel like a kid again and powerless like it’s “abide by these therapy rules or get a new therapist/be abandoned “ but that could just also be my hostile mindset and crap coming up from my younger days.

I guess I do feel like boundaries are a rejection and they are really painful to talk about. As far as boundaries for myself...that’s a work in progress I guess. I’m very much a people pleaser bc I don’t want to be rejected or abandoned.

This whole thing started last night w my therapist commenting I’ve been keeping her at arm’s length and being more closed off. It frustrated me bc I know when I’m this stressed out I can freak out and call her and what not but I’ve been trying really hard not to .

I don’t know, I feel like a hot mess right now.

 

[SinkorSwim]

I have not been very open with my attachment issues with my T but I just emailed her to let her know. The only way to help yourself is to discuss it with her. I've told her that I'm afraid of the therapeutic relationship ending and I don't want to get too attached to her. It's odd for me to open up. So now I'm kind of in a confused state as to if I open up I'll start caring more and if I care more I will get hurt.

 

[Suzetig]

struggle w it bc I do feel like sometimes she makes unilateral decisions for the relationship so in a way I feel like a kid again

Unilateral as in "I can't offer between session contact, or emergency contact any more" or unilateral as in "this is what we're going to work on regardless of what you want". The first is her setting a boundary about her work life, which is fine - she should be open to discussing the impact of her decision on you but if she can't do it, she can't. It's a boundary for her that she needs to set to preserve her work/life balance.

The second isn't ok because it's your therapy and you should be driving the work.

We all need to set limits on what we are prepared to accept from others and what we can offer others, the other can then decide if that's ok or not for them and stay in the relationship or not. I would never want to be in a relationship with someone who didn't respect my boundaries because that becomes abusive. Knowing where my boundaries are and communicating them is a whole different game.