Boundary Setting With Ptsd

[Seasounds]

I find it interesting, and scary, that while in recovery (i. e., since I'm not frozen any more), that I need to risk what I fear the most (people's anger), when I 'speak up' and set boundaries, in order to create healthier relationships.

The timing and the means of doing this, seems like an art, since it depends on the circumstances, people, and depth and type of relationship.

Anyone else go through this?
Anything you do to be effective and situation appropriate, rather than over-the-top, in boundary setting?

 

[Underdog]

Yup, had to do that with my mother and many friends. My friends were/are serious drug abusers from way back in the day when I used drugs to run from my pain. Creating that boundary/rule was essential for me to continue without drugs so it was easier as I saw it as life affirming for me and I didn't have PTSD then. My mother was a hard one, though. I had to formulate what those healthy boundaries were and meant for both myself and her as they are basically two-way contracts. I've never liked angering anyone either, but she pushed me to the edge one day so much that I refused to return her phone calls for nearly two months. She knew she had messed up and called between 4 to 6 times a day with wide swinging emotions (happy, rage, despair, etc...).

With PTSD, I am having to figure out those boundaries and educate others in addition, including my mother yet again. Not looking forward to that conversation.

I guess for me thus far, I've been letting people know I have PTSD and taking the time to answer their questions about it, including what happened (which means I have to be in a calm space for a few days beforehand to get through it and anything that is a true trigger memory I step around or don't address). I've found that once people seem to understand the PTSD issue, they mostly seem to be more aware and considerate of those boundaries. May just be my friends though. My mom is a different story all together. Not sure how I'm going to handle that one.

 

[Seasounds]

With PTSD, I am having to figure out those boundaries and educate others

@ underdog,
I love how you clearly, and brilliantly, simplified and neutralized the process of setting boundaries, as an educational process takes the 'right or wrong', and 'praise or shame' aspect out of the conversation.

Next time a friend comes to town, and before she presses down on my shoulders with her hands-which she does when she is annoyed with me, (I saw her mother do this to her-indicating "stop"), I will educate her, that I don't want to be touched.

Keeping it simple and clear, I'll let her know that her words will suffice.
Thanks a bunch!

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Be very patient with yourself as you practice having boundries. Expect flack from certain people not used to this from you. They only want to change you back to the person without boundries.

I have found it takes so much practice. Many a time I had to call back a person and redraw the lines afterward because I went against my better judgement.

Learning how to say yes to your self and no to others is a skill that has to be learned and practiced. I still have work to do, yet it is far easier to say no to others and to draw the line with others.

Good fences makes great neighbors I have found. You are becoming the real you and you have rights to do the things you want and to say no to others who ask things of you. I hope this helps. Good luck.