Building Resilience To Saying No

[Meadowsweet]

I have to say no to someone who is expecting me to come and visit them. It's my dad, a dominant (but not violent)man, and I'm finding it stupidly difficult.

I don't care too much what he thinks of me personally anymore. But it bothers me that I feel so anxious about saying no, because I recognise that it is a danger for me when I take this kind of anxiety into other areas of life. It is an aspect of the violent and dominated relationships that I've had with partners.

A big part of me wants to give up and just say yes so that I don't have to face the anxiety of saying no. But that's the kind of behaviour that enables unhealthy relationships to happen. So I feel like I have to do this as part of building resilience to saying no. But the way I'm feeling right now makes me realise how weak I am on this.

I just wondered how others have built resilience to this kind of thing?

 

[shimmerz]

And what will happen if you say no?

ETA I tend to catastrophize when I think of saying no. Sorry, sounds all therapist-y and not meaning too. Just wondering if you thought through what it would mean to you or if you are projecting onto him if you say no. Stripping out this in original post of mine. Can you talk me through that? I am a little flakey these days. :banghead::banghead::banghead:

 

[Friday]

Dominant people can actually be pretty fun to get on side for this one.

Maybe your dad isn't the best choice, but if you've got a few dominant people in your life? Ask them to help you practice. <laughing> Be warned: They really might not understand the concept to begin with, and they might get a little overly enthusiastic once they realized how crippled you are.

That's how I learned to say no*. That, and working with Russians :). There's no cultural "no = bad" thing in Russia, like there is in the States. No, just straight up no, without apology or equivocation. I'd had some friends school me in the application of the word no, but the unapologetic no? It was like a lightbulb moment. While I could say no, I still felt bad about it.

* Looking back it was really a 3 step process. Friends who schooled me, colleagues who enlightened me, & then having kids let me practice 10,000 times a day for several years. First I could do it, then I didn't care if I did it, and then It became part of my daily vocabulary ;)

 

[scout86]

I have a similar problem. My T actually suggested that I look at it as an "experiment". That works for me because "curiosity" usually trumps "fear" for me.

He also said it's not necessary to lie and it's not even necessary to explain. Most of the time a simple "no" does the job. Or "No, I already have other plans." or something. (And he said the PLAN might be a quiet weekend alone, nothing wrong with that!)

 

[Meadowsweet]

@shimmerz the response from my dad will likely be to argue that I don't have a good enough reason and try to invalidate my choice, then when I stick to it he'll tell me I'm pathetic or ridiculous. Then we'll talk again in a couple of months time and it will be ok (until next time I say no). I am middle aged, I must sound about 10.

@FridayJones I can say no to kids, it is when people are quite domineering that I struggle. I wish we could just say no in this country without having to give a reason, but here it is expected to give a reason in this situation - and a good one.

@scout86 a lot of what therapists say is good advice, but sometimes I think they can get it wrong. I think sometimes therapists speak about an ideal of what it ought to be ok to do, and forget that in the real world 'normal' people have issues too and don't always react ideally, and we are left to face the consequences. Mine told me once that it was ok for me to say to someone "I feel hurt by what you said", so I tried it, and the person I said it to acted like the biggest victim you've ever come across, like I'd said something terrible, and it set me back quite a bit. I think similarly, though in an ideal world it should be ok to say, sorry I can't come to visit, but I'm having a quiet weekend alone, I reckon a lot of people would find that offensive,

 

[shimmerz]

One thing I have learned @Meadowsweet , is that by telling people why it gives them ammunition to punch holes in your (what they see as) argument. It does take practice but I think one of the keys is in not saying why. That NO stands alone. You can dress it up by saying something like - Not possible, No can do, Doesn't work for me - but all in all I found it most effective not handing out an excuse or reason. Absolutely asks people of a certain ilk (which your father sounds like), to verbally assault until you give in.

I wish you the best with this. :hug::hug:

 

[Friday]

@FridayJones I can say no to kids, it is when people are quite domineering that I struggle. I wish we could just say no in this country without having to give a reason, but here it is expected to give a reason in this situation - and a good one.

I don't know if this will be useful to you... But I separate out my no's & my reasons. Some people are deserving of a reason. Not because I'm telling them no, but because of the relationship that we share.

For me, at least, that changes the entire dynamic.

<grin> Here in the States I do typically add on a thank-you (no thanks!) at the very least, and oftentimes even a softening statement (I would love to / wish I could / sounds like fun/ etc.) even to people who do not deserve an explanation. Its a politeness thing. But I also do not owe them an explanation. Only certain levels of relationships do I owe an explanation. But neither require justification. I'm an adult.

In either case, I don't have to justify my no's, because they do not get to have a say unless I choose. I may explain my rationale, but I am not required to, by virtue of saying no. An explanation is either a gift of friendship, or an attempt to brainstorm a no into a yes.

 

[ihateusernames]

Mine told me once that it was ok for me to say to someone "I feel hurt by what you said", so I tried it, and the person I said it to acted like the biggest victim you've ever come across, like I'd said something terrible, and it set me back quite a bit.

I've had similar experience. All of the therapy talk doesn't play out well in my real life. It has taught me to somewhat calmly state my own needs, though. That's something big.

I think similarly, though in an ideal world it should be ok to say, sorry I can't come to visit, but I'm having a quiet weekend alone, I reckon a lot of people would find that offensive,

I lost a friend when I decided to start saying no. Sometimes yes, people will be offended. That's the consequence of saying no- and I think that's probably the biggest hurdle to overcome. I don't have much practical advice except that it gets much easier with practice. And to start putting your own needs above others is really liberating. It makes up for a lot of their negative reactions.

 

[shimmerz]

That's the consequence of saying no- and I think that's probably the biggest hurdle to overcome.

Abandonment issues can come into play here a ton. Don't know if you have them, but might be something to think about.

All of the therapy talk doesn't play out well in my real life. It has taught me to somewhat calmly state my own needs, though. That's something big

Or even just to think that there is an option to say no. It sounds silly, but I had to be taught by a friend that NO was even a possibility. It was quite a lesson. I am grateful to him for it.

 

[The Albatross]

I'm a pull the band aid off fast kind of person rather than slow. So I just say "no" and deal with it on the back end a lot and stay out of my head as much as possible.

Super good article on resilience: Link Removed

A resilient person says no, because no is the right thing for them to say... they don't give it another thought or ruminate or obsess about it or have anticipation anxiety ... they have a certain amount of trust in their own abilities to choose, discern and act... and leave it to others to do the same. I'm not a resilient person yet... but I'm dang sure trying.

 

[Weemie]

therapy-talk doesn't really work well irl. "i feel hurt by what you said" is smth ppl take as accusation. like, people think it means the same as "you hurt me." so that's how they react. people don't make the therapy-jump to, "well you are responsible for your own feelings and you are trying to talk it out and brainstorm." they feel attacked, hence the, "you're nothing but an emotional wimp/victim!"

in my experience, better to say, "what do you mean?" and come back with gentle rebuttals. getting people to explain themselves can give you moments to interject clarity. even a joking, "wow, tell me how ya really feel!" can take things back on track.

anyway, about the no. i can't remember the last time i had trouble saying no to someone. maybe in november or december, when we had this big blowout party. i was psyched to go when asked, but when the time came, i was laze as f*ck and just wanted to stay home. i ended up going anyway, had a good time, by the time i really wanted to gtfo it was time to go so it wasn't a huge deal.

lately i think i just say, "no thanks, i'm looking forward to doing absolutely nothing this weekend except sleeping."

 

[joeylittle]

I think similarly, though in an ideal world it should be ok to say, sorry I can't come to visit, but I'm having a quiet weekend alone, I reckon a lot of people would find that offensive,

Just leave off the reason.

Saying no takes practice. Tons and tons of practice. And I usually practice out loud before I even get into the situation, just because I know I want to sound (and stay) calm, and my voice is the first thing to go a strange-sounding when I get upset.

I use the phrase "I'm sorry, but I'm afraid it's impossible".
In more casual settings "I'm sorry, but it's not possible".

Never say "I can't" or "I won't" - the only thing that you will be is sorry, and that is only if it's true in some way. It communicates that you do have some form of respectful regret. When you say "I can't", it throws things back on you in too personal a way. And honestly, you don't need to have any emotion tied to it - this is a situation where "I'm sorry" is linguistically signalling that a "no" is up ahead.

Then, the event is always an "it". So, even if you needed to actually say more detail the first time around:
"I'm sorry, but traveling to see you isn't going to be possible".
they say: "Well, what else are you doing?"
You: "I'm sorry, it's just not possible"
Them: "Why not?"
You: "I'm sorry, it's just not possible"
Them: why are you acting like an asshole?
You: "I'm really sorry, but i'm afraid it's impossible."

I swear to you - it works every single time. Now, you can learn how to segue out of it, say around the second time they press, by flipping the conversation to other solutions. That's generally the best way to manage. But if a person is going to be so belligerent as to keep hammering at you, well then, there it is. Be a stone wall right back.

You don't owe them an explanation. If you want to give one, fine - but you really don't need to, and I'd suggest when first working on saying 'no' it's better to not give one at all - because generally, if you are bad at 'no', the explanation is really a plea for understanding. You want them to be OK with you saying no, you want them to understand, and so you give a reason.

But most people don't care. They want what they want. That's OK. They are free to ask. You are free to say no.