Relationship ....but One Thing Bothering Me Still

[Becksknox]

So things with my guy have been great, really great lately. The only thing right now "bothering" me is that he won't invite me to join him with his family. Even at 46, almost 47 (next month) he is too worried about "what they will think". They all adore me and he does talk to them about me but not in terms of dating even though now we are together almost daily. I'm trying to figure out if it is because he is ashamed at how final he acted when his cup tipped or because he feels if I am around them again that it will be too much pressure because they will most likely assume we are where we were.

His sister called today and we talked for almost an hour. Though she doesn't understand PTSD in the slightest, they have always been close but she said they barely communicate any longer. She misses me and wishes he would bring me around and she and I have seen eachother for lunch and mani/pedis.

He just asks me to not speak to her about him or us and I wouldn't go against his wishes though she knows we are together from his parents.

Just thinking it's because he's not ready to move to that level once again and I accept it. We were together 8 months before I met them for the first time, so to an extent I do understand, but it does leave me a little butt hurt at times.

Any advice/support is greatly appreciated.

 

[Lmm]

I've been through a roller coaster the last six months with my fiancé (at times) and he won't so anything with my family and barely speaks to his...especially those who know him best. He had ended our relationship several times in the last six months and they knew about it. My guess based on my situation and that you said he had been very final about things before is that he's embarrassed about his actions. I think that's the case with my sufferer. Glad things are much better for you guys other than this though!

 

[Becksknox]

@Lmm my thoughts exactly. Thank you. His parents are older 76 & 78 and his father has severe heart problems and I know he doesn't want to confuse or upset him. I do know from his mom, sister and niece that all his parents want is to see him happy and they know the extent of my feelings. I do, in my heart believe its embarrassment and he's scared of admitting defeat and in his head of sometimes irrational thoughts, that's what it seems to him. I'm being ok and his sisters support even today helps. I don't care to go out in the 4th bc I've seen a ton of fireworks and don't care for the drunks leaving after so I'm fine hanging out here with my friends that also don't feel the need to go out. Last year when we went we were home by 7pm and because of his chemo treatments (for an autoimmune disease he got in Iraq) he was asleep by 7:15. I was thankful for him to not have to hear the fireworks and I hope he is ok tonight with them. He said he would be home early bc he didn't really want to go. He's a little over his family right now bc they don't get PTSD but they also knowers not emotionally ok, so I know he won't be there long. The good thing is being in a fairly large crowd of strangers last night didn't stress him and the. We went to a crowded restaurant for dinner and he was fine.

I'll wait patiently at this point bc I did it when he was much much worse. Plus we've already had our "date" for the day earlier.

 

[Lmm]

You hit the nail on the head with them not understanding PTSD. It's very difficult to explain to people without them thinking it's some sort of excuse. Glad you're enjoying the 4th...sometimes relationships just aren't textbook and that's just fine. : )

 

[Becksknox]

@Lmm and for sure PTSD relationships are anything but textbook. I know he's coming around and now at at faster rate and I'll take just that. I don't need more. I'm good with how things are in the here and now.

And I know if I don't push it they will continue this way. I'll just stick with my friends that are supportive and take care of me and see where this leads. I'm glad to know from his sister that they are all supportive of me and that he keeps me in conversation with them.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I think it implies a level of seriousness (and STRESS) that he is not ready for.

Normal people think love = love. Seriously. To the PTSD mind, love and relationships = STRESS! Being in a committed relationship is one thing, but taking you around his family does indeed imply a greater level of commitment.

Now he has to deal with his sister and his parents saying "bring her around more!" Can you see how this can be stressful to him?

I understand that you want to be a part of his family, but he may be keeping you apart from them so that when things go to hell with you, they don't also go to hell with his family too.....ie them harping on him for not being with you anymore, etc. I understand that compartmentalization is much more of a guy thing. I've had guys tell me that I am COMPLETELY un-female in this respect.....ie I don't overlap every aspect of my life and have my friends mesh with my partner who meshes with my co-workers who mesh with my family and every other possible meshing combination in between! That is, compartmentalization reduces stress. I can have my friend cohort go to hell in a handbasket but I still have the support of everyone else. If everyone knew everyone else, everyone would take sides and suddenly I wouldn't have any support at all. Its a safety mechanism and a protection mechanism. If you push for this one, it could stress him out.

ETA

Oy VEY! I just had yet another incident with overlapping parties which makes me realize why I keep everything separate! (This reply reminded me of it.)

 

[Neverthesame]

I agree, sounds like that's exactly what he's doing.

Or maybe, he is just worried his mum will show you the embarrassing photos of him as a toddler. Lol :p

 

[Becksknox]

@itsKismet Thank you for explaining it that way bc with your perspective it all makes sense. It was all family and some close family friends that also know me. If I had been there it would've been all "oh so you're back together" then it would constantly be brought up to him in that context.

Like I've said before, I try to not add to his stress and now I can really see how it would. His son who is 18 was over last night and he asked me to come over, which I was happy about. His son won't bring it up or harp on it so I know it felt safe. Your explanation is exactly what I needed and now I feel like a selfish brat for letting it hurt my feelings. He's ok with me being around his sons or his sister or his niece bc they won't harp in it like parents (especially his) would.

Thank you again and now I feel more at ease and know it's not me...,just like he's always said to begin with.

I guess I should be really just happy that we have what we have and that he was happy to come to our pool party Friday and be relaxed and comfortable. I'm so glad that I can understand it now bc of you :)

 

[Becksknox]

@itsKismet Could this stress also be the reason that even though we are together almost daily and we seem as a couple, as we were before, he still can't actually say we are in a "relationship"? I know he was this way in the beginning of our relationship also. He's said I love, everything points to us being back in a relationship, but I'm wondering if the actual label is a stressor? I'm trying to be calm about it bc I know his actions are louder than his words.

Just want your opinion bc it sounds very close to the family thing. Thank you.