Can Flashbacks And/or Nightmares Reveal Repressed Memories?

[FindingMyself88]

Ok So I have been stuck in this cycle of nightmares and flashbacks about times I was sexually molested/possibly raped. I think the trigger was being in the psych unit, a lot of the guy patients there were hitting on me and saying stuff like they wanted to have sex with me.

I've wrote in my trauma diary about the 3 different flashbacks and nightmares. Sometimes it starts out as a nightmare, but then I wake up and I feel like I am still stuck in the memory or experience. Other times it's regular flashbacks. I am just going to copy and post from my diary about these 2.

Be warned, there are details about sexual molestation. I tried to keep them as mild as possible with still explaining what I remember



It was about the night my cousin sexually molested me and almost raped me. It's not something I have repressed completely, but certain parts I had. The part I've always remembered was him playing with my breast and telling me I was beautiful. But the flashback/nightmare goes much further.

I remembered him unzipping my pants and then I remember him taking my clothes off and covering me with his sheets. My other cousin was home, but he had sent her to get a shower. My Uncle was in his bed asleep. I remember telling him this wasn't right, but he said it was just a game. Then I remember him molesting me with his hands and forcing me to touch him. I remember crying and him telling me not to cry and if I screamed, he would really get rough.

Thats all I remember. The next thing I remember is my aunt coming home and him telling me to get dressed. I don't know if thats all he did or if I just simple zoned out to ignore the pain… The nightmare/flashback felt like it was happening all over again. I feel dirty, used, hurt, sick…



the second flashback/nightmare is this:

Lavon, my dad's ex wife's son used to rape his daughter and I have been having flashbacks of him doing this to me as well. It's very brief glimpses and intense feelings. I see his face looming over me and sometimes I swear I smell the beer he drank so much of. Then I just literally feel myself tense up and I bring my legs up to shield myself. Only it doesn't work and I feel pain.

Is this weird? Could this mean he did rape me? Or am I just having nightmares about the possibility because of what I saw him do? It feels real, but I don't know…


In both of these I have remembered more or things the nightmares and flashbacks have insinuated that I have been more than just molested, but raped as well. Is it possible that these are repressed memories surfacing? Or could I just be building off memories due to fear, and how to I find out which is true?

 

[arfie]

All of it is possible, but an awful lot of my own flashbacks and nightmares were not about the trauma at all. The trauma is just where my habitual focus kept going. They were about retrieving neighboring memories that had gotten buried in the mind slide of the trauma. I lost allot of important gems that way.

I test accuracy, et al, by writing journal entries allot like what you just wrote here, for each time it recurrs.

edit
I never do get to know for sure, but I do gain a sense of where it is accurate and where I have added flourishes after writing and sitting with it a while.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I don't know if I'd trust what comes up in a dream. Dreams can seem very real but be completely false. However, if it's something that comes up in other memories as well, then perhaps it's worth exploring further.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Solara it comes up in regular flashbacks as well. I know with the one with my cousin that the new stuff I remembered happened, because I've remembered before being in bed. But not sure if more happened (whether I was just molested or raped). The issue with the other is it comes in both nightmares and flashbacks. I used to think because I didn't have a clear memory of anything happening that the guy was drunk and didn't rape me. But SO much of my childhood memories are broken and scattered. When I think about it logically, my cot was in his way to the bed, so why would he skip one girl and not the others? I just don't know...

 

[Justmehere]

Nightmares are nightmares. I wouldn't rely on them to be 100% accurate unless proven by outside data. They probably have some grains of truth in them. Flashbacks are more about reliving trauma, so I would be more inclined to say those are more accurate. Flashbacks are generally pretty intense out of control experiences for most people. (Like a car backfiring and someone jumping like it was a gunshot.) Partial flashbacks are something I don't know much about myself.

The accuracy of repressed memories is a fairly debated and controversial among professionals. I don't know where I stand on it for my own stuff. I tend to believe others with what they remember happening and what their gut tells them about people. It sounds like you are at the very least very creeped out by him and that he did do something. I don't think your mind is just making this up. But hard to say if it was molestation and rape if you don't remember the rape part.

Perpetrators often don't stop at molestation unless they are caught and jailed. If you have flashbacks of more than molestation, then it could be very possible more happened. Some perpetrators do pick kids to abuse. My grandmother and her sister testified at the trial of their father that he picked my grandmother to abuse but not her sister. I've read that this is not uncommon.

I also want to suggest that even if you were "just" molested - that's really significant trauma alone. I work with traumatized kids part time and it's really traumatizing for kids when they are molested. Rape is very terrible too. It can all can affect someone very similarly. It sounds like either way, you went through a lot.

I can tell you for sure what my trauma therapist told me - you can heal without fully remembering fully or accurately. I tend to personally believe that if we need to know to heal, our minds will let us know.

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Justmehere I am somewhat making light of my flashbacks. When they happen, they are incredibly intense and overwhelming. More often they happen at night, after nightmares. Typically, I wake up from a nightmare that was some sort of truth (about abuse, molestation, etc) and then from there I have flashbacks. I normally end up hiding in the corner of my bed pinned against the wall, or on the floor in a corner. Most of the time I have just short burst of visual memories, intense fear, sometimes a smell (such as the alcohol) and something somatic symptoms. I also feel as helpless as a little girl again. The biggest time of my abuse and molestation ranges from 4-14. The fear is the absolute worst though. If they happen during the day it is because something triggered them and they are often the same. If I am in public, I tend to freeze or run out. For the most part, the nightmares trigger the flashbacks, if that makes sense.

I know the molestation happened with cousin, not sure on rape. As far as the other guy, I have no clue. Up until the flashbacks, I had no recollection of anything. I was approximately 8 or 9 when this was happening, the girls were 6 and 8 I think. Even just remembering seeing him rape his girls is traumatic. This is kind of why I wonder if I dissociated. The flashbacks seem real, and logic tells me it probably happened. Either way, I hate these flashbacks and nightmares. Just experiencing them is re-traumatizing me. Even though I am still very new with my trauma therapist, I think I am going to have to bring this up to her tomorrow.

 

[silk123]

Well, I don't know but really wish I knew the answer.

I'm currently experiencing new memories which tend to start from waking up screaming knowing nothing to nightmares a few nights later for a couple of nights over random things to things surfacing in my head when I am awake several days later.

I was wondering if anyone had any thoughts about this?

Also, I was thinking that if I stopped going to therapy would this new stuff stop coming??? As right now that sounds really good to me. I am not coping with it at all and end up totally spending 24/7 with this new stuff going around in my head and the questions it leaves and waiting for more.