Can Triggers Point To A Repressed Memory...?

[Longing_for_the_sea]

I have had several instances of a strong physical reaction to a specific color/shade of green (I literally HAVE to get out of the room or area where the color is - I cannot stay), a panic driven reaction (panic attack and fighting to get away from) - to the feel and smell of a leather jacket combined with cigarette smoke and faint cologne. I also am extremely uncomfortable around stiff and faded army fatigues.

The second trigger was only recently discovered accidentally... within the last 5 years. There is no memory. There is nothing concrete. Why would I trigger on these things if there is no actual identifiable memory of the trauma? Aren't triggers based on memories?

I am not looking to remember... or accuse. I just want to get better and I am not sure if I can with 'buried triggers' yet to be uncovered.

 

[Ronin]

Triggers are based in things that happened to the body in its history.

They are not based around if you remember it, or not, or in what fashion. Only that it is things that happened to you physically.

 

[mamachick]

Sure, you can be triggered by something, and not remember a traumatic event around it. Just as you can have a positive comforting feeling and also not know why. You said that you are not looking to remember....or accuse, just looking to get better.

I have discovered triggers that are not traumatic, just make me feel uncomfortable or not wanting to be around. Sometimes I have made a correlation and others I never have.

 

[Longing_for_the_sea]

@Cashew So, I have been hearing about this 'body memory' concept a lot. I get sensations sometimes - but cannot make sense of them. Is that what you are referring to?
When I am triggered by the things mentioned in my initial posting, there is a physical sensation of tingling and burning - sometimes pins and needles up inside my 'lady parts' if you know what I mean. But it is all in my head. Sometimes it hurts but it is mostly just uncomfortable. I was a virgin when I married, so I know that nothing of a full intercourse nature happened... but still the sensations make me wonder if there was some fondling involved. I just can't say for sure. It's frustrating to deal with. I just avoid the triggers if at all possible.

There is also another strong trigger for me / being 'chastised' by a strong male figure makes me want to disappear literally. I fawn (try to gain favor by acting servilely; cringe and do/say things to try to ingratiate myself to them). It is humiliating sometimes, but it always makes me feel less traumatized/more worth something. If the outburst is loud or accompanied by cursing and rage, I often wish I were a sea anemone so I could pull all my body parts into a shell instantly and just 'poof' disappear. If placating/fawning doesn't work and it goes on unabated, I reel for hours - sometimes days afterwards. Physically getting sick and not able to eat, sleep or put any thoughts together. I just go onto 'automatic pilot' and get through my responsibilities that way, until their angst subsides.

I will say, that I have begun to feel the need to stand up for myself, and I do so at times when I feel I have been misjudged, but I still choose my words extremely carefully so as not to hurt or cause further backlash.

 

[Ronin]

I have been hearing about this 'body memory' concept a lot. I get sensations sometimes - but cannot make sense of them. Is that what you are referring to?

Basically.

It is quite common to dissociate - forget, if you will, or be aware only of parts of - sexual violations, in particular. Even where your body isn't harmed in any other way.

That said, we can't tell you what happened, or didn't happen, or at which point in your life. We're but a bunch of strangers who've dealt with these issues in their lives, but not a qualified medical professional or someone knowing you to help you determine with certainty.

 

[Ronin]

I will say, that I have begun to feel the need to stand up for myself, and I do so at times when I feel I have been misjudged, but I still choose my words extremely carefully so as not to hurt or cause further backlash.

Good for you, kudos on that, and keep that up :D

Whichever keeps you safest.

 

[watundah]

Somatic experiencing, body memories, a few good references - Waking the Tiger by Peter Levine and The Body Keeps the Score by Bessel Van Der Kolk.

I am touching into some repressed memory now (still have a hard time believing it's real because there is no conscious memory) but boy does it go a long way in explaining my anxiety and trust issues.

In time, there may be more details that materialize. Or not. Can be crazy making. I would say don't dwell but explore, possibly write about it and share with your therapist?