Can you appear to be fine while isolating?

[Bananamango]

SO I am as about as isolated as I could be right now. The people who KNOW that I'm in a shit spot...

Thank you for sharing. This sounds so much like him....he's often like that. Sometimes I've wondered if he's having a manic episode he gets so excited. But there has always been hot and cold and now that I'm putting things together, I think he's been mini isolating for a while.
I'm sorry to hear you are experiencing that....it must be tiring for you. Thank you again for sharing. Information helps those of us trying to understand.

In answer to your question. Yes.

I live with my Vet so he technically can't really isolate. ( we hav...

Thanks. I've wondered about this with him for a while. He has said to me that he can't always talk to me when I run into him. And if I catch him off guard he's edgy and will admit he's edgy. I've sensed there is a lot more going on he won't share.
Good luck to both of you on your journey.

I tend to be overfunctioning and can make huge work deals, buy stuff...big stuff...sell stuff..big stuff...

Thanks for sharing. I don't know you but want to give you a big hug. I'm learning more and more how hard this is for sufferers...and how brave you all are dealing with this, often fairly alone.
I am not sure how he would react if I said I was there for him. Without admitting he has a problem, he has said "you're not here just to support me are you?" (Which sort of indicated to me he knows I know he's struggling with something. But he's always questioning why I am friends with him, as if he has no redeeming qualities that would warrant me liking him as a person. I am most certainly not there just as a support, realize I can't 'save him' but just hope to be his friend because I like him. And with that, if he needed support, I'd be there....but I think he might isolate even further if I admitted I thought he was struggling. And that I would be willing to listen. He wouldn't share anyway. He's always talked about how protective he is, ever since the very first day I met him.
I do worry about him. I don't know that he has a lot of other friends. I don't want to give up on him, it's hard though, because I have to think of my own mental health. It's hard to experience the hot and cold from him I often get. I wish we could talk. I have a high degree of compassion and would not judge him, I wish he could understand that.
Good luck to you.

 

[Rumors]

Thanks for sharing. I don't know you but want to give you a big hug. I'm learning more and more how h...

The self judgement and doubt make it very hard for some of us to believe that people would choose to be with us. I think what you said about just really liking him is very sweet. Maybe just saying that could open the door enough for him to let his guard down. However, you are correct in that you do have to take care of yourself. He may be in such a bad spot he isn't ready to accept friendship or help. Hang in there!!!

 

[Freida]

I am most certainly not there just as a support, realize I can't 'save him' but just hope to be his friend because I like him. And with that, if he needed support, I'd be there..

This is a good thing to tell him the next time he asks. It sets a good (safe) picture of what you expect

 

[Bananamango]

The self judgement and doubt make it very hard for some of us to believe that people would choose to be...

I'm trying! Thanks for the advice. I may be back on here for advice (if) he comes around and I get a chance to talk. I hope he does.

This is a good thing to tell him the next time he asks. It sets a good (safe) picture of what you expect...

Thanks. The problem is, he'll never bring anything up, really dislikes talking about anything except superficial stuff. We have been able to talk a couple of times about slightly deeper stuff, but he really has to be prepared and in the right mood. It may take a while before I feel like I could bring it up without upsetting him. Currently giving him time and waiting to see if he still wants me in his life.

 

[Bananamango]

Was hard, but I waited as you advised. He contacted me again yesterday--twice. Was friendly. I'm presuming he'll be most comfortable if I don't ask any questions so I won't. Thanks again so much for the help. :)

It could be a bit of both. He could be pissed at you and needing space, and yes, he could be struggling...

 

[EveHarrington]

I think the term "isolation" is more often that not seen as an extreme thing. As in, if a sufferer is isolating, they are locked in their home, not talking to anyone, not responding to anyone's texts, not answering anyone's phone calls, not interacting with anyone online. This couldn't be further from the truth. Isolation can mean anything from the person is not interacting with anyone on any level for any reason, locked away at home, etc.....all the way up to the person is isolating from one particular person by not talking to them regularly, but answering occasional texts. Maybe my examples aren't perfect, but they give you an idea how isolation can run the gamut from being VERY isolated to be a little isolated. The level of isolation depends on the source(s) of stress....is it one person? Is it everyone and everything? What exactly is stressful? What can I handle? Maybe I'm ok with superficial interactions online, but not with texting. Maybe I'm ok with texting, but not talking on the phone or seeing you in person. Isolation is often person specific, too.

 

[Freida]

yes! this! ^^^^^^^

 

[Gs172003]

I think the term "isolation" is more often that not seen as an extreme thing. As in, if a suffer...

This

As far as appearing fine I can appear fine to all kinds of people but I feel like crap.

 

[Bananamango]

Yep, that's exactly what I wanted clarification on. From what I've read elsewhere (outside this forum) it did very much make it sound like people lock themselves in a closet. And I kind of figured it could be more subtle or varied than that and was trying to understand. All has helped immensely. Thanks everyone.

I think the term "isolation" is more often that not seen as an extreme thing. As in, if a suffer...

 

[Friday]

This is an excerpt from something I wrote a few years ago about the whys of why I isolate. The most relavent part of it to this discussion are the different “groups”of people (bolded below).

If I'm not able to treat people the way they deserve to be treated, I remove myself from the situation. As a parent, that's simply not always possible. So that's learning to take timeouts, have blanket fort & movie days, and call in babysitters. So that I never act out on my (or anyone else's) kids. Ever. Regardless of what my mood is. I'm a little more lax with adults. Because, frankly, they can take care of themselves. (Goodbye. See ya when I've pulled my head out.... Which can be weeks, or even months later). So that's one reason.

Another reason is simply that I'm tired. The more involved a relationship is, the more energy goes into it. For me, there are different stages.

- Intimate relationships (family & close friends),
- close relationships (work, occasional friends),
- brief purposeful encounters (church, PTA/ other parents),
- hello human (gas station, post carrier, waitress).

I, quite frankly, don't have the energy to deal with everyone all the time. So I make choices, and pull back in order to protect myself. I know when I'm at either end of the spectrum (only interacting with family or gas station attendants) that I'm going off the rails. (If I'm even avoiding my mailman and the gas station Attendant... I've already gone off the rails. Past tense. Toast.).

Ideally, and when I'm doing well, I can maintain all the different levels of relationships in my life. They're part of what makes my life full, balanced, and rewarding.

...

So I've got 2 main reasons why I isolate : Protecting others, and protecting myself.

 

[Justmehere]

Try to back down from reading into him and what he is thinking towards you. He does seem like an upfront enough guy that if it’s upset with you, he’d say it.

When I’m reconnecting after isolating, sometimes the best “support” doesn’t look like support. It doesn’t look like I’m struggling and the other person is helping me.

It looks like two people doing something fun together.

On my worst days, talking it through with friends would undo me, while if I can still connect with people, doing normal friend stuff can help tremendously.

 

[Bananamango]

Yes, pretty sure that's the main thing I provide him with--doing something 'normal'--usually something sporty/fun. And I really enjoy it/him. I would never get into talking about stuff with him because I am simply not qualified and could make things worse--and from what I read, talking about it isn't always the best thing anyway. I just enjoy his friendship and hope I have the inner strength to deal with the hot and cold, the isolations from me that may occur along the way and the possibility that I could lose him as a friend at any time--all of which are completely out of my control. So far, I like him enough and I think he is a wonderful human being, so he is still worth the risk.

Try to back down from reading into him and what he is thinking towards you. He does seem like an upf...