Can You Get A Person With Npd To Value You Again?

[lorelei85]

We met one year ago. He chased me for 5 months until I agreed to go out with him. Everything was perfect at first (you know how it is, I wont go into details). I ended up staying half the week at his place an he d iply he wanted me to move in.

During our second week of dating I got a message from his ex warning me about him. I stupidly told him. He got a bit mad at me (and I guess my devaluation started then). We continued to see each other but there were red flags. I confronted him about something one day and that was it. He wanted nothing to do with me. As if he was looking for an excuse. So my idealisation lasted only about a month. We lasted only a month. Yet he didnt disappear. I continued to see him but it wasnt the same.

Until one month after our first break up, he asked to be friends with benefits. I was so in love I said yes. I'd see him less and less and it was just sex. I'd confront and leave him a lot and then come back ( I even called him a narc,I exposed him 100%). He never really left or came back. He was just always there. After the 2nd month of being fwb I went no contact for a month. Then came back. Then went NC again for 2 months. I broke it again and asked to see him for sex ( sex is the only thing he s interested in,he s somatic btw). To my surprise he said yes (last time we spoke we had our biggest fight ever,with me totally exposing him and calling him out. Told him he has npd and was very mean to him).

So I went, he was nicer than ever. In his texts he told me he'd punish me when he'd see me(sexually). Yet when I got there he told me that he's not gonna punish me and wanted us to play guitar instead (that was my favorite pastime with him and he knew, I had been begging him to play with me for months). He got aroused by the minute he saw me and went as far as to cover my chest with a towel (LOL) so it wouldn't seduce him. I ended up seducing him anyways (idk if that was wrong and if I should have accepted the guitar offer). We had amazing sex (yet another thing that shocked me, I thought he d be deliberately bad), he even asked me what I wanted him to do to me and just wanted to make me finish multiple times despite me telling him ''oh baby I just want you to finish, I dont care about me'' ( I was still feeling bad about the mean things I had told him last time and I was nice to him).

Anyways, he wanted me to leave sooner than usual, I only stayed for a little over 2 hours. I saw a girls toothbrush in his bathroom. Just like he used to have my toothbrush there next to his. It hurt. The only thing that's keeping me from losing it is that I know it wont last. He also promised to give me guitar lessons, which was a shock as well, he knows how much I've always wanted it and he'd never do it.

Anyways last time we spoke was a few days ago. I texted him wishing him merry xmas and telling him about his present I'd get him. He replied next day saying ''We'll talk when I get back''. I haven't texted him since. Its been almost 2 weeks. He's coming back in 5 days. I know you'll all say I should let him go-but I cant. I'll do it when it feels natural. When I don't want him anymore. Just like forcing myself to go NC,it doesn't help. You go NC because you trully feel like it, its not a decision.

So I have a few questions for anyone who might want to answer.. Have I lost all my value for him? Or did I never have any value since we only lasted one month? (We started dating June 2013,first break up was in July,then became fwb. He still agrees to see me but its just sex). Is there anything I can do to up my value? He is a somatic, he values looks, money and intelligence a lot. Money I don't have :/ . I knew he liked my appearance and was always complimenting me about my intelligence, even after fights. And how should I treat him? Should I be overly nice? Just friendly? Indifferent? Right now we haven't talked for 2 weeks after his last text saying we ll talk after the holidays. Should I wait for him to make a move? He never made one. Sorry for being so long, I'm spinning so much today and this site helps. Otherwise I'd have texted that I still love him and want to be with him (which I did do in August and he got furious).

Sorry for my English, its not my native language.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You didn't mention PTSD anywhere. Do you have or does he have PTSD?

There are lots of alarming things in your post; Why not list the things you do love about him? Or maybe think about what your wrote from a different point of view. If a friend of yours wrote your post what would you tell them? What advice would you give them?

Best wishes,

Ayesha

 

[lorelei85]

I think that I admire how strong and confident he is. I like myself when I'm with him, in the sense that he makes me want to be stronger and less emotional. I think I may be codependent, I don't know for sure. I never was like this with anyone before.

I learned about his npd after we broke up. I think if i had known before, it would be different. I know how to treat him better now. I tried going NC and the lot, I just cant let go. So I decided I'll continue until I don't want him anymore. I cant seem to force myself to stop. And I'm going through the worst period of my life, its very bad and I have no support. I'm not strong enough to fight it now.

If a friend of mine wrote that post I'd tell them to go see a therapist. I've thought about it, sadly where I live you have to pay for therapy and I cant afford it. I feel like an addict on withdrawal right now, I'm not proud of myself. :(

 

[ill]

I'm sorry - you think he has npd but you know how to treat him better now?! From what I read in the above, it's not how you treated him that's the problem, and no matter how well you treat someone who has (untreated) npd, it's never, ever going to be good enough. You can completely deny your own needs and attempt to become his own personal need fulfiller, but even then it's unlikely to be good enough for him and how could it possibly be worth it for you?

I understand that you're going through a difficult time and that you need some kind of support, which I hope this board can help you with, but I really don't see how the relationship you have with him can possibly help you. It seems like it would only be harmful - your needs aren't being met in this relationship and you can't even have an open, honest conversation without him basically bailing. How can that help?

This may not be a cycle of abuse, but it is a cycle - every time you think of cutting ties, he gives or promises to give you just enough to keep you from severing times but not enough to actually meet your wants and needs. You think and hope that it's a positive sign of his affection and care, and maybe one day you'll be able to have the relationship you want to have but his wants and needs are being met already. You're having a relationship, but it's entirely on his terms. And maybe what you're attracted to him is what you're unable to give yourself right now - he's strong and confident in himself, he does what he wants (apparently regardless of who it hurts), he has firm boundaries (even if he's not explicit about them), he thinks and takes care of himself and his wants and his needs.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

AGAIN?!?

Sweetie, there is NO "again"...! He never valued you to begin with. You should have listened to his ex. She was trying to do you a favor. Please read up on narcissism.

Do you have PTSD? How is this issue related to PTSD?

 

[Hashi]

You didn't mention PTSD anywhere. Do you have or does he have PTSD?

In your reply you didn't answer Ayesha's question about PTSD. Please would you answer it? Thanks.

 

[BloomInWinter]

People with Narcissistic Personality Disorder don't get better, because the ability to change such deep-seated selfishness would require a time machine.

Please see a therapist. S/he can help you identify why you believe you have such control over any other human being that it would be possible to know his every thought, wish, and desire. It is irrational to think that you'd somehow have a magical ability to manipulate yourself, others, and him into changing into the person you want him to be. Irrational, but all too common, especially for us women who are taught from a young age that we are expected to know what makes others happy and wave a magic want to bring that about.

That irrational belief is called co-dependency. It's very common in empathetic people and narcissists seek co-dependents to fill their sick need for constant sources of affection, admiration, and socio-economic resources. They create a bizarre world where they are the star and only their needs matter. They leave a terrible swath of human destruction in their wake.

Untreated co-dependency will cause you to waste your life living for other people unless you get support. Professionals and groups like Co-dependents Anonymous (or Alanon, if no CoDA group is available will help you learn how to set realistic boundaries for yourself.

Having escaped from several narcissists myself before getting help, my best suggestion is to believe his ex. Believe that the worst of the personality he has shown you already is likely his true nature and will be unlikely to change. Accept that you are powerless over his personality disorder and stop trying to fix what nobody can.

Decide to save yourself, face your current pain, and realize how strong you are.Few people escape narcissist unscathed. You are clearly not his first victim. But he can be your last narcissist who hurts you.

 

[Philippa]

How does being less emotional make you stronger exactly? Emotions are strength. It is only a distortion that tells women otherwise. It sounds like he is either brainwashing you or you have bought into some distorted views on what strength and weakness are in society?

Also, why would you WANT him to value you again? Sounds like you're addicted to being his supply of energy.

 

[lorelei85]

I didn't know about ptsd until a friend who's spent years in therapy told me. I can't eat, sleep, function. I'm in a catatonic like state in my bed all day.

My hpv and some other diseases I had are back due to my bad mood. Sometimes its like I'm not even here. I feel as if a terrible disaster has happened to me, like I was the victim of a horrendous crime, a crime no one can see or help me with. All I think about is dying.

I have no support and can't afford therapy, its not free in my country. I texted him today basically kissing his behind. I was too weak and stupid. He didn't reply and now I'm spinning and thinking I have been discarded totally now.

Sorry for not putting paragraphs, I'm writing this on my phone and it's weird . Sorry about my English too, it's not my native language:(

 

[lorelei85]

And yes, I feel like I'm addicted to him. I wanted to talk to him so bad today. I felt like I'd die if I didn't. I feel like an idiot.

 

[lorelei85]

I am constantly reliving the moment I saw her toothbrush, it has shocked me. I see nightmares whenever I manage to sleep for an hour or two. I have drank all the alcohol in my house.

I have tried talking about it to people and they just laugh and say there are more fish in the sea. Some even mocked me.

The thing is I have had a very difficult life, had just gotten out of a physically abusive relationship, had a suicide attempt and then I met him during the absolutely worst time of my life. I just feel hopeless. Going back to him feels safe and familiar. I have no one else. Maybe I am used to abuse, I don't know. I could be codependent also. I'm just tired of hurting.

 

[digger]

Sorry I'm still confused by how this relates to PTSD? Do you think you have PTSD? From something that happened before you met him? Because of him? Or is it him that you think has PTSD?