Can You Help Me Make Sense Of This?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I've seen some of my parts by now, in a literal and in a metaphorical manner. There's a little girl that huddles and cries in the dark (who has a name), a woman who wears a striped shirt whose job it is to comfort the little girl, a part that floats up high and judges me (and I've felt her face before, laid over mine). Then there is me.

I met a guy on Sunday. It was a terrible mess, a parade of parts that revolved through me in the casual way that parts usually do (ie part of me wants to have sex with him and part things it's a terrible idea, etc, the way that I think that most people experience parts). Apparently I got really sexual with him, but I don't really remember until a small part of me came out and panicked and pulled into a shaking ball. I lost an entire hour in there somewhere and I'm not sure what I did.

I've been trying to handle it, but I've been really upset about it. Came home yesterday after working all day and fell apart.

I heard myself speaking aloud. Panicked, fast, and like a little kid: Shadow, Shadow, Shadow, where are you?!

Then I was crying. The part of me that floats up on the left started to tell me that I needed to hurt myself. I answered back and asked why. She said because of Sunday and what I did. We started to have an argument, about hurting myself or not hurting myself. I was talking aloud but she was just in my head, answering back, floating up there with a smirk on her face. Then suddenly, all at the same time, in the center of the dark void in my mind, the little girl was crying and the woman was rubbing her back. Then I heard myself speaking aloud: It's okay, little girl, it's okay.

I managed to get myself put together enough to shut them all up, at least for a minute. But then the voice came back, a panicked, small voice that insisted (through me) that she had to have her striped shirt. As soon as I had it on my voice changed to comforting and calm, saying it's okay, it's okay over and over.

WHAT JUST HAPPENED. I know I have a dissociative disorder. I know I have parts. But this is the first time they've acted like this and the first time that I've had arguments with them. Usually my experience is less defined than this and I'm really, really scared about what this means.

 

[Geoffry777]

First of all don't be so quick to judge yourself for applying psychiatric label like this associative disorder. The mind can get confusing we can lose time emotions can become label and we can feel very strongly additionally our thoughts can become disorganized it doesn't mean that we have schizophrenia or bipolar disorder or any other nonsense we're human beings and when we get frazzled from certain situations we have reactions that are normal and unfortunately our society pathologizes them and we want to classify them as disease structures these are inaccurate in unfair in fact I will go so far as to say that many of these quote-unquote diseases are what I would call social afflictions or socially afflictive disorder

 

[Geoffry777]

First of all don't be so quick to judge yourself for applying psychiatric label like this asso...

Pardon my typos feel free to ask any questions I use voice to text because I have problems typing. Anything that we experience in life is meant to be when we are under inordinate stress don't beat yourself up be reflective and try to become by soothing
yourself

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I already know that I have a dissociative disorder. That part of the deal - while it frightens me - isn't the issue. It's been proved again and again through my actions. I'm just worried/concerned/panicked over the amount that I was able to interact with my parts this time, instead of just feeling them in a less defined manner.

 

[OneToughCookie]

I don't know enough about dissociative disorders to know what happened, so forgive me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me to be an advantage that you can interact with the parts. That you were able to calm the scared part of you is wonderful! You might even be able to try arguing with the part that judges you that what happened on Sunday was out of your control and that you didn't do anything wrong.

I've never been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder, but I do dissociate often and had a really similar experience while hooking up with a guy. My body entered some state of paralysis and I could feel him touching me but couldn't speak or move to get him to stop. Eventually it passed and I tried to leave but my legs gave out. Panicked, I asked him to carry me to his roommate's bed. He kept trying to kiss me (he was tipsy) and I curled up into a ball and everything, shoulders up to my ears. That feeling of terror is awful and you must be feeling really shaken up. What's upsetting you most right now?

 

[BlueOrange]

In general terms, I think it goes like this:

• We hide everything from ourselves, and it gets us through the horrible things that we need to survive.
• The horrible things stop, but we are unable to put ourselves back together. The parts stay hidden.
• The fact that our parts are separate causes problems that we decide need to be fixed, so it's off to therapy. They work behind the scenes and we can't see them.
• The parts (that we were frightened of the whole time, which is why we kept them hidden) become visible. As they become more and more visible, we are more and more aware of our fear. This is really really unpleasant, and it feels like things are getting much worse (seems to be where you are now).
• Genuine communication between the parts starts to produce 'bridges' or 'peace treaties' or 'reconciliations' or 'integration' (different words will make sense at different times & for different people). Quality of life improves.

In terms of the specific event, it sounds like you were able to convince the part that wants to cut you not to do so (or perhaps that part simply got outvoted - either way 'not cutting' is good). It also sounds like a part of you was able to communicate what it wanted (the striped shirt). Putting on a particular shirt seems like a reasonable accommodation to me, so I'm glad you did it.

So, regarding the thing that seems to be the concern (that the parts are more defined), I think that's because you're better at seeing them than you used to be. If you don't want to integrate them, then it's good that you have a clearer understanding of who is who. If you do want to integrate them, then it's good, because now you know what it is that you're aiming to integrate.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@OneToughCookie I'm most frightened by knowing that these parts are so formed. Why haven't I known about them? And how is it that they just feel so real?

@BlueOrange I think unjust want to kill all the parts off. I know that isn't practical - we share the same body, as my therapist pointed out today. But I just really really wish they would disappear. Yet, I also acknowledge that the best way to make them go away isn't ignoring them. Maybe it's just scary because all this knowledge is so new. And part of it that scared me, too, is knowing about the part that just really wants to hurt me whenever I do anything that makes her upset.

 

[BlueOrange]

@theshadowoftheliving Yep. That's a very familiar set of feelings.

 

[Poofycat]

Hi @theshadowoftheliving I'm in a similar place right now in beginning to recognize parts, and it is just such a bizarre process. I, too, have a part that is super sexual part and I lose time when she takes over. My husband and I are just now realizing that we have very different views of our sex life because of this. Turns out I don't remember of most or all of our best sex. This was a terrifying realization to me at first, but it's easier to deal with since we've been married for so long. I can only imagine how terrifying it must be to realize you don't know happened when a part took over during sex with a stranger, and other parts are angry about what happened.

I sounds like you handled the conflict with your parts with a lot of patience, understanding, and care for yourself. Hopefully it will become easier with time. I guess I don't have any advice, just wanted you to know that you're not alone and not the only one struggling with this sort of thing. Offering :hug: and support.

 

[OneToughCookie]

@theshadowoftheliving Similar to what @BlueOrange said, from what I know, dissociation is your body's way of hiding from you what you can't yet handle. Maybe your body is letting you know about them because you're making progress and are ready to contend with them.

It sounds really scary to have a part that wants to hurt you if you make it upset. Whatever you do, don't act on that part's wishes. You deserve good things and heaps of kindness. I read up a bit on DID and apparently communicating with your parts (via letters or in your head) honestly and respectfully can help you solve problems.

"Because many alters have a very different perception of their body, they may disown it, or believe strongly that it is a different chronological age, and refer to as "the body" rather than "my body".[6]:120,140 Alters who believe that they have their own, separate physical body, can result in refusing to seek medical care, and self-harm or suicide attempts, in the belief that they will be unaffected since it is not "their" body which is harmed. This can even involve attempting to kill off "others". [6]:132, 140
I can't post a link, but search "dissociative identity disorder parts self harm" in Google and click the seventh link. There's a video on how to negotiate with alters that want to harm you.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@OneToughCookie It is scary. I'm so flipping successful in my career that it's hard for me to even understand sometimes why I have this other part of me that is so bent on destruction. I also have a really hard time containing her, and sometimes it's better to just act on what she wants instead of pushing back. She gets mad if I argue, and then it gets worse because she's mad about more than one thing.

I feel like I'm losing my mind.

 

[OneToughCookie]

@theshadowoftheliving It's hard for me to understand, too. I don't know why those parts are so diametrically opposed. I read that the angry/violent/aggressive part often emulates a past abuser. I never considered multiple personalities and don't believe I have the disorder, but I have noticed that when I was around one of my former abusers, I would start tearing myself down with awful abusive thoughts. I had a period in high school where I was actively suicidal, told no one about it, and nearly killed myself. It's really shocking to know we have the propensity for such destructive acts, especially since much of the time we're focused on our recovery and treating ourselves well. I don't know if there's anything we can do about those destructive parts except recognize they don't have our best interests at heart and do our best to overpower them with self-love and care.

After reading more about the angry/violent/aggressive part, I think you're smart to keep from provoking her. I read you might have a rational/helper part and that it''s often the only part that can stand up to the provoked angry one. I also read that your other parts are as real as your original personality/self, but that you might consider the part with which I'm interacting as more "real", as it's who you were when you were born and controls everything else that happens inside. Is the original personality self the part with which I'm speaking?

I'm sure it feels like you're losing your mind. DID seems to me like something out of a fantasy book. Do you think writing about the different personalities might help you keep them straight?

Also, what's your support system like?