Can you help me? Trauma after first romantic moment

[Abstract]

Your English is excellent.

I guess now I can talk about it, but I don't feel much when I do.

It can be more complicated than that but this can be a good sign. If it means your reactions to it are settling down.

So many of the things you mention about your feelings about your body and sex could have resulted in emotional overwhelm at the time. And the depression.

much fear and dissociating.

Is dissociation something you have dealt with before? Or more specifically when the depression started settling in maybe. Other?

I did have a grandfather who used and liked to "explore" my body, maybe too much, he touched my chest, but I didn't mind, it didn't make me afraid and I never felt bad because of it

No pressure to answer but how old were you and how much was involved.

Since this day, I have been feeling really anxious and on edge and I have become much more impatient, I get angry easily. I also can't seem to stop thinking about this incident, or about sex in general,

Have you discussed this with your therapist? That you feel different. Does she know about your grandfather. Again, no pressure to answer.

This has changed since the Incident, I have started to accept that I am a woman.

Thats amazing.

 

[Axolotl]

Thank you all for your answers! There are so many helpful suggestions which really help me and show me another way of looking at it.

@grit The grandfather was the father of my father. I, too, thought that my memories might be dissociated, but this led me to never ending ruminations about what might have happened, which didn't lead anywhere. In the contrary, I ended up not even being sure about the memories that are demonstrably real. That is why I think there can't have happened anything more than I remember.

@Muttly Thank you very much! What you say makes sense and maybe it applies to me, too, to some point.
I don't know, did I say no to him? I guess I did, but more like "maybe we shouldn't do that now, maybe it's too early". He stopped, but when he tried again twice short after, I just didn't stop him. This was when we had already started fondling. In the very beginning, before I said no, when he started touching me and saw my frozen reaction, he asked me if I am sure, if I am really, really sure and I said yes.

@Sideways Thank you for giving me this option, that the depression was the reason for my strong reaction. It could exclaim why it effected me like this. I have never felt like this in my life before, I actually used to be a calm and steady person before this happened.

@Abstract Thank you very much for your kind answer! I seem to have been dealing with dissociation all my life, with it taking the shape of spacing out. I don't know when the depression started exactly, but the dissociation became worse after the incident and took many different, shifting forms. Now it is mostly like an emotional bubble, which numbs me out for a certain time as if I am on drugs. It doesn't feel bad.
About my grandfather I only remember the day that he tried to also touch my sister on the chest, she told my mother, he got in trouble and stopped. I was maybe 12 back then, but I know he did it many more times. I don't know when it started. It felt normal, like all the other kinds of touch that are "allowed", I guess that is why I can't remember every single event.
I am telling my therapist that I feel more fragile and sensitive, but she only nods, she doesn't really talk about it and that's why I don't know if she really understands what I mean. The incident happened at the very beginning of the therapy, so she might think my neurticism is part of my personality.