Can't Decide If I Should Go To The Hospital Or Not

[TimeToHeal]

Sending you positive energy, @Justmehere.

Safe and gentle :hug: to you.

 

[Hope4Now]

Justmehere good for you for reaching out for support. That in itself is a major step to healing. Remembering that even though caring people can't take the pain away, they can "hold" you through the suffering it causes. You're not just me here; you're justmehere with a lot of people thinking about you, caring about you, and supporting you in what ways they can.

Right now, I am imagining that she would say to tell myself something very accepting of the symptoms and the goal of the symptom but set a "gentle but firm boundary" with myself. I'm a good self advocate, but not a very good ally with myself. She keeps telling me she understand why I go to war against myself, "but now is time to be gentle." I can hear her say that in my head and it makes me cry but not in a bad way. Almost like small relief.

Imagining my therapist sitting with me, imagining what he would say, is the only way I am able to get through many times.

S Honestly, when she says this, I kind of feel like she is right and kind of like she is full of crap - and I have wondered so many times, how could this even help me feel better? I have even asked her, what's the point of thinking that? She's um... very patient... with me.

:) yes, for those of us who go all intellectual and logical in moments of crisis (and much of the other time too), it's hard to trust that the simple things our therapists tell us are actually true and that they're not full of crap. I'm like a pendulum on speed in terms of this...yes, he's right, no this is all ridiculous...back and forth. Wanting to trust and let go, then running away into logical analysis; wanting to reach out for help, then terrified of doing it.

I went to a funeral for a cousin today. He died at 87, and one of his children about how his father had battled crippling depression for most of his life (in spite of being a highly successful physician). The son shared a story that really moved me. He said that he had fallen into a very deep depression when he was in college, and when he spoke to his father about it, his father had only six words to say to him: "It's hard, isn't it? I understand." He said these words helped him beyond anything because he suddenly felt another person was suffering with him. He didn't feel so alone in his pain anymore. It didn't solve his depression, but it gave him the strength and gentle compassion that helped him move toward healing.

As you are trying to be gentle and kind and understanding with yourself in this horrible time you're having, maybe you can imagine all of us in ptsd-land holding open arms to you and saying compassionately and empathetically, "It is hard, isn't it? We understand."

I'll be keeping you in my thoughts @Justmehere.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

We're here for you and you're in our thoughts!

I know all too well how bad side effects can be, and I hate taking meds. However, I think it is helpful to keep an open mind and be able to realize when we may need a little extra help, as you have done. I have one go-to medication that I'll take when I'm at the point of no return (seriously suicidal & not just thinking about it). It sucks that it makes me very weak, but I will take it if I can't handle my symptoms on my own. I took it last about 6 months ago and unfortunately I need physical therapy because the meds significantly weakened my muscles. The alternative is that I'd probably have made an attempt, so I deal with the price of taking medication. Sorry this is long winded, but my point is that when things are really bad, sometimes medication is the only thing that can give us relief. And, even with negative side effects, it can still be worth the risk.

I hope you're doing well. I'm glad you went to the ER. I don't know what it's like to have a trauma anniversary, (let alone 4 at the same time), but I know it's not easy and I'm wishing you the best.

 

[Hashi]

Thinking of you.

 

[billie]

Hope your safe

 

[Justmehere]

Thank you for all the support.

I know I probably needed this post just as much as you - reading yours struck a cord with me, as my anxiety level has been building and building over the last few weeks to a point I am now emotionally scattered. One moment I am fine, the next I'm in tears.

@Nebulustrix - I'm sorry you are dealing with intense anxiety too. It is exhausting. I have felt so weird in the past that my suicidal thinking is no so much out of place of depression making things overwhelmingly bleak, but out of anxiety that is pushing me to my limits. It's awful, and I'm sorry you struggle with it too, and I hope you keep reaching out for what you need too.

There are some things we just can't control, even within ourselves and our emotions, and that's okay. I felt angry with myself when my anxiety started to feel unmanageable, but it is nothing to be angry about. Everyone has to deal with stress all the time, and sometimes it is just too much, and we need help.

Thank you so much for this reminder. I get really frustrated and hard on myself too. Maybe we can keep learning to be a little more patient with ourselves together. I hope you enjoy the pizza and that you are beginning to feel recuperated from the long work week. That stress really does add up over time.

I had to will myself to live with every ounce of my being and to be honest, will myself to stay put in that bed. I practiced deep breathing. I allowed myself to cry. I rocked back and forth to comfort myself and I did my best to shut out my wandering thoughts.

@Medic72 - I can tell the strength it took to get through this - I can so relate to this place, where it takes all I have to get through it, to try to let it pass. I think there is so much strength in how you let yourself cry, rock, and worked to focus your mind. Thank you for your words - it helped me remember that others are in this battle with PTSD too and it helped me not feel so bad asking for help. I liked your idea about going and at least staying near the ER.

Do you have to talk to your landlady before you see your therapist again? Can you postpone talking to her, text to say you have a stomach bug or something?

@Hashi - yes, I do have to talk to the landlady before my next appointment with my therapist and I used being sick to postpone it already.... but I think you are right that I need to call my therapist about it. Especially if this is getting to me this much. It is my goal to call her as soon as I can get myself too, at the very lastest, by Monday morning, to leave her a message and ask if she has openings or time for a phone call about my landlady.

I think quite a few people do, I remember there being a thread about it here on the forum. If you tell people about the suicidal ideation in these terms, I don't think there's a danger of them over-reacting. I'm also not sure you even need to tell your therapist, unless you want to tell her.

This really helps to know - I thought I was so alone in suicidal thinking "helping" me feel calmer.

Keep working on the breathing, and try to keep sipping water. I know that might sound like a very minor thing but I find it makes a big difference. Not just staying hydrated, but the sipping itself seems to regulate the anxiety a little, and is grounding.

This does help! I'm not sure why, but it really does help - thank you for the advice!

Sometimes I go to a library or a book store bc I don't want to be alone, but I also don't want anyone to talk to me. Those are places that are usually quiet and people are working on their own and aren't looking for conversation.

@Rumors - this sounds so lovely. I think this is what I will be doing with my day tomorrow. Thank you for the good idea.
@TimeToHeal - thank you for the hugs and support

I went to a funeral for a cousin today. He died at 87, and one of his children about how his father had battled crippling depression for most of his life (in spite of being a highly successful physician). The son shared a story that really moved me. He said that he had fallen into a very deep depression when he was in college, and when he spoke to his father about it, his father had only six words to say to him: "It's hard, isn't it? I understand." He said these words helped him beyond anything because he suddenly felt another person was suffering with him. He didn't feel so alone in his pain anymore. It didn't solve his depression, but it gave him the strength and gentle compassion that helped him move toward healing.

@Hope4Now - I'm sorry you lost your cousin, and thank you so much for sharing that story. It really struck me.

As you are trying to be gentle and kind and understanding with yourself in this horrible time you're having, maybe you can imagine all of us in ptsd-land holding open arms to you and saying compassionately and empathetically, "It is hard, isn't it? We understand."

Those 6 words really impacted me. I can't really even find words to explain it. Thank you so much.
@Solara - thank you a lot for the encouragement about meds. I think my body has just been so pushed by extreme events, that it makes sense that in a biological way I would need some outside help from medication.

@billie - Thank you for thinking of me.

well, this post is already too long - sorry, I get a bit too wordy at times, but I really wanted to respond to everyone.

Things are going better.

I'm still at the emergency room (ER). The staff has actually been ok to me. I explained what was going on, and thankfully, the doctor didn't make it a bigger or lesser deal than it already is. The doctor gave medication to calm me down right away. A counselor came to do an assessment. I was honest and she was not eager to admit me.

The assessment counselor asked me if I called my therapist. I haven't. I told her I didn't want to burn my therapist out. I need her to keep being there for me in the difficult weeks and months ahead. I know, I'm being too stubborn. My therapist's voicemail says she doesn't return calls on the weekend, but she had actually told me this last week if I was falling apart and things got really bad, to call her, "I will be around this weekend." So I'm kind of thinking she is going to...um... be a little disappointed I didn't call or even let the ER call... but she also knows me, and "how much you want to handle things on your own" so I hope she will be patient with me. I asked her for help a lot this past week, and she's careful to "try to stay in the sweet spot where I don't help too much that you shut down."

I guess I used up all my courage just to get here to the ER - I can't seem to let them bug her too. So they didn't call her, but had me promise I would tell her on Monday, first thing, which I will.

I'm calmer now, albeit a sluggish kind of calm. I'm so relieved to be able to feel calm. I needed a break from the intense anxiety. I still feel some anxiety, but I also feel like I can physically relax some.

The suicidal thoughts are still there, but not so intense. The doctor and the counselor were very concerned about the fact that the sucidial thinking was making me feel calmer. But now those thoughts don't make me feel better (or worse.) The assessment counselor said I maybe just needed to "re-set." (I dunno if that's possible.) She grilled me on skills to breathe slower. It was a helpful.

They are going to keep me a few more hours, and then send me home with 10 doses of the medication to take "as needed" incase things get hard again. I haven't seen my psychiatrist for a three months. (I was just supposed to come in "if you need too." oh boy, I overshot that.) The ER doc called my psychiatrist and they said he will get me in to see him sometime this next week.

I'm glad I came to the ER. I'm hoping I can go home sleep tonight. Not being so sleep deprived will probably. I'm so glad for you all - your support has made a real difference in getting through this. Thank you.

 

[NarcSis]

Big Hug, I'm proud of you.

 

[Hope4Now]

I am so very glad to read your post (which was NOT too long at all--perfect!) GLad for you that meds are giving you a needed break. Glad For you that you reached out for help AND were able to receive it. We are here and understanding and thinking of you. I am wishing you peace in yourself!

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes hope tomorrow is a new and better day for you @Justmehere . :hug:

 

[Hashi]

Well done for how you've handled this. Do call your therapist as soon as you feel able to, before Monday morning if you can but like you say - Monday morning at the latest.

Take good care of yourself.

 

[desiderata310]

um…
1. you sound like you've been rooting around and reading my mind. You sound a great deal like me: right down to not wanting to bug your therapist when you're at the brink.
2. @Hope4Now I'm still crying.

Not much more I can offer right now, @Justmehere . Just kinda feel like I'm in the boat with you.

 

[ms spock]

Wishing you the best @Justmehere