Can't Keep Up

[shimmerz]

My SO is great to me. He works hard to keep me safe, he is giving and caring. I feel so incredibly deficient. I just can't keep up. I feel him starting to withdraw or maybe it is ghosts of the past that make me think this way. In all seriousness, I have gotten way better while I have been with him but I just can't seem to keep up. I drop at random times, triggered into paralysis. I don't even know what I am trying to get to with this posting. I just feel so incredibly deficient. Nothing more, nothing less.

 

[RussH]

Find something you can do for you SO to show him you appreciate all he does for you. It may be something as simple as flowers, or taking him out to dinner. Perhaps you can plan time to do his favorite activity with him; even if it is something you don't particularly like doing.
There are many small ways you can show him you appreciate him that will not tax your abilities or cause you to be triggered. Just use your imagination, but make sure it is something special to him.

 

[Sighs]

I have often wished that my beloved PTSD sufferer could, even for a moment, see himself the way I see him. I am not in denial about his PTSD (or his own ordinary human faults) but I love, admire and respect him so much. I bet your SO feels the same about you. I bet he doesn't see you as deficient. All I want my sufferer to do is allow me to love him - as he is. Your SO believes you are worth it. I bet he's right! ;)

 

[shimmerz]

@RussH, I know what you are saying is true, but I have to say that I am finding more and more that I don't see any value in what I give. That most likely is the major problem here. I know this is a me thing and it sticks to me like velcro. I have been going out dancing with him over the past few weeks, something I could never have entertained before. I just feel like - due to my limitations - that I am ripping his life to shreds. I never stop him from living life - but somehow feel responsible for doing so. go figure. I wish I could trust his words when he tells me to just relax and not worry about it.

Which leads me right into your post @Sighs. What a beautiful message. Tears came to my eyes when I read your words. It is just what I needed to hear but I have to say I know that I play a large part in this and have to work on trusting when my SO says that I am not ruining his life. There is just this niggling that happens, that I can't seem to shake, that tells me otherwise. I have no words for it, so I am thinking it is pre-verbal but just this pervasive feeling of never being good enough and that he will turn on me along the way. Now that I say that, I realize I am so not giving him credit.

Thank you.....both of you

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I have the same worries about my husband. He has actually said that he doesn't want my fears to stop him from being who he is, but sometimes, I know it does even if it's just little things. I try really hard to not stop him from living and being who he is, but it's really hard. I have had so many people abandon me or let me down or turn on me that I have trouble trusting that he really will stay. He has told me time and time again that he will stick with me through all of this, that he won't leave. Sometimes I question if it's fair of me to even ask him to keep trying- maybe I should leave and free him. But I try to believe and trust and remind myself that he loves me.

 

[blackswan]

What @Sighs said :)

I've spent many hours over nearly a decade trying to convince boyfriend that I love all of him, that I am with him because I want to be, that I'm not going anywhere, and that I would rather be with him on a dark day that without him in my life. But, like you, he has that niggle...

...and it's ok. I choose to hear "I love you and want the best for you" when we have these discussions now. Maybe the niggle will go away, maybe it won't, but either way I will still love all of him, will be with him because I want to be, will not be going anywhere, and would rather be with him on a dark day that without him in my life.

I obviously can't speak for your SO being, you know, a different person. But yay for love in all its healing struggles :)

 

[shimmerz]

I just want you all to know that you helped me a ton today. I have gone from frantic to - well calmer. Your kind and encouraging words rang in my head tonight as I 'hung out' with my SO. Who knows what the future will bring - but in the moment I just want to say that it takes quite a person to love me - but I think I realized that that fear is doing nothing for me 'right here right now'. I am choosing to give my SO the credit he so deserves and just enjoy him. Thank you all again. I will hold your words tight for a long time.