Can't Sleep, Can't Concentrate- Scared Of Being Found Out

[MovingForward]

I cannot sleep and I cannot seem to get anything done. I am terrified that other people will find out something is wrong and so I use all of my reserve energy to mask what is really going on. Smile when I feel like crying. Stoic when I feel like raging against the entire world and society. Quiet when I want to yell and still when I want to run. Active when I want to curl up in fetal position for days... Then I look around and call myself ungrateful and that this is all "in my head."

I am so afraid of this, that I am reluctant to discuss anything with an identifying feature here on this forum. I have a job that would not/ does not allow for perceived "weakness". Lives are on the line. There is still a lot of stigma attached to my world - some of it real, some of it self-induced, no doubt. I fear that a co-worker, my boss, even a concerned friend will somehow figure out this is me and that I am in deep trouble, incapable of my work, untrustworthy with other people's lives in my hands. With that said, I think I can take care of other people just fine. I would put my life on the line for them. It is the self-compassion that is lacking in a pretty profound way.

Who do you tell and trust that you will still be seen as capable? Or do you keep it a silent secret? And if you do, does this make recovery and management worse or better?

I have grown up believing in pretending things are "okay" at all costs. I don't know how to shed this habit, even when things are most definitely not okay... I am in denial and scared. Glad you all are out there.

 

[Jezzryn]

Opening up is a hard thing, and trust too.
But first I want to tell you, that I think you are strong. It is hard an really exhausting to always pretend. And it is hard to feel, that you have no one to turn to.
It's a huge step, but I think you may want to find a therapist, if you can not talk to your family or your friends. No one has to know you go, but you. You do not have to tell anyone.

For myself though I found it took way less energy and made me feel stronger, to admit, that I have PTSD. I don't tell everyone, not all people need to know. But I am no longer ashamed of havong mental illness. It is not a sign of weakness.

I wish you lots of strength and courage.
As for the sleeping problem: Maybe try to imagine yourself at a very beautiful and calming place, like... swiming or... diving in the ocean, something like that. It often helps me drift off, maybe it'll help calm you enough to fall asleep?

 

[MovingForward]

Thanks, Jezzryn. I have started EMDR therapy and it is exhausting. I appreciate your words of support and I wish you the best as well....

 

[suzie q]

I hear you MovingForward..I can't sleep either.

I went back and read your postings so far and I think I understand the feelings and questions you're experiencing so far. What I think I hear you saying is that you want to heal, you don't understand the process of EMDR, you feel trapped in your job due to secrets you keep, you don't wish to subject anyone else to the nightmares you face every day, and you are confused and anxious. I hope I haven't made you angry with anything I've said so far, I'm trying to get on the same page you are. Please forgive if I'm off the mark.

My experience dealing with trauma has made me a very good dissociative student. When things get really stressful and I am at full capacity on my "cup" meter, I go numb. I also like to let my Irish pride tell me that I don't need to bother others with my problems. I'm an adult, I should know how to fix my own stuff. Even after going to many years of therapy, my mind and pride still want to tell me that I can do this "by myself". I don't know exactly where that came from, but I really do hate it sometimes!! lol.

When I first started working with a therapist that knew what they were doing, I found that if I hadn't learned to dissociate, I wouldn't be alive or somewhat sane. It was my defense against things that my mind and feelings couldn't process. It was a good thing. I now know when I am completely stressed, I tend to want to not feel, so I make excuses for why I can't feel. One of them is that I don't want to bother anyone with my stuff. Remember, this is just me. I truly do feel like I might hurt someone else with my emotions and problems. In my heart that is something that I would never want to do to someone else.

When I practice feeling something other than what I'm truly feeling, I automatically go towards dissociation, or as I call it, numbing. I hate this process with a passion because all that it accomplishes is me stuffing. When I stuff, I become overloaded with anxiety, and then my true feelings are mixed with the backlog of feelings I've stuffed. I never know if I'm appropriate in my level of feelings for the situation, big or small. Stuffing trauma for me is poison. I had to find an outlet and express the feelings as they happen. If I don't, then boy am I confused and in pain.

I also had to get rid of all the stuffing I did early in my life while I dissociated as a child to now. Getting everything truthfully out and in the open with a professional helped me get to a starting point in my life where I can now handle feelings appropriately. I mean feeling proportionate to the actually trauma happening in the now.

I feel that you are in a very unforgiving job with lots of pain and trauma. Adding the fact that you are afraid others will find out your pain, you are probably (just a guess) overflowing your stress cup. Starting to express yourself on this forum, I know from experience, will help in so many ways. Just remember that you can say anything here and stay completely anonymous. Just another tool to help you process your questions. Best wishes and keep coming back Suzie q

 

[Martin Taylor]

Thanks, Jezzryn. I have started EMDR therapy and it is exhausting. I appreciate your words of support and I wish you the best as well....

It is terribly exhausting, but I had very good results. Not done yet though.

 

[Nighthawk]

I fought this battle for so long until the oozing was no longer containable. Now I can't hide anything I am shredded no energy to hide behind the mask. Physically ill on a regular basis. Drained beyond the point of ability to function. I just lost 40% of my salary, having to decide to stay or leave. I have no clue the road I am about to travel. Having to find the person that exists somewhere within me to gather the strength for everyday.

Sorry for my rant but you are not alone and you need to at least find a comfort therapist or a friend someone to talk to. I am concerned that if you hold it all inside you might blow. It is not a place to be.

Take care of you first.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

Who do you tell and trust that you will still be seen as capable? Or do you keep it a silent secret? And if you do, does this make recovery and management worse or better?

I have grown up believing in pretending things are "okay" at all costs. I don't know how to shed this habit, even when things are most definitely not okay... I am in denial and scared.

It is like the question, how are you? I am fine, how are you? Things like this really used to stumble me.
Be careful who you entrust yourself to. It is so hard to pretend. It is a draining experience. I say go real slow and be gentle on yourself. Take really good care of you. You can do it. You don't sound like you are in denial. You sound like you need a break with alot of comfort. I'm sad that your work is so stressfull.

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