Can't Tell Therapists This..

[Ronin]

Plus it's super common to fear rape from men.

Toxic masculinity & rape culture practically flood everyone with the idea being a male is synonymous with being a rapist, and/or that it's alright as it's a part of being a man. It's not unreasonable to be sensitive to these messages, just minding what one's living in as a culture.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

I feel for you so much. The vaginismus makes any penetrative sex scary. Many of us sexually abused as children, whether by same or opposite sex perpetrators, question our sexual orientation or other aspects of our sexuality as being "caused" by the abuse, and that is so painful.

Consider this: many anti-gay people blame child sexual abuse by a male abuser of a female victim as a reason why a woman is a lesbian (rationale: the abuse by a man was so bad, we turn to women.) At the same time, they state that male survivors who were abused by male perpetrators "turn gay" because of the abuse (rationale: the abuse by a man was somehow pleasurable that men want to recreate that with other men.) It's just totally irrational and inconsistent.

One's sexuality is so complex! There are many factors that influence one's sexual attraction, orientation, identity, preferences, etc., etc. Most credible researchers and professionals agree that sexual orientation is innate ("born that way"), although one's sexual behavior is often influenced by prior experience. Consider all the LGBT people who were never abused, and still "turn out" gay/lesbian/bisexual/transgender)

IMHO, it's both nature and nurture.

When I was first coming out (age 15-16), I struggled with this for a short time, but ultimately, i just don't think there's anything wrong with being gay (I was raised by a heterosexual but radical feminist/hippie mother!) I heard someone once say, they didn't really care where their sexual orientation came from ... Maybe that was one good thing to come out of the abuse!

That said, I still struggle mightily with other aspects of my sexuality and how the past continues to impact my present. I haven't yet addressed this with my T, but I am working with various other issues that make me feel ashamed. Please take heart that you are not alone, and this is a common issue for many of us.

Self acceptance can come, but I agree with @Ronin that the first thing to work on is general stabilization. Get that under control, and the other stuff can come later as you develop trust in your T.

Have compassion for yourself, dear. And hang in there.

Very gentle hugs if you accept them.

-- Lola

 

[Neverthesame]

I have an idea.

What if you wrote these things down on paper, then seal it in an envelope. When you feel the time is appropriate to disclose this, you bring the letter in with you. Ask the therapist to read it in another room, or between sessions, whatever sounds best for you.
This way you won't have to see their reaction.

Would something like this help maybe?

 

[mudbug]

I'm not sure but it might also help you better understand your sexuality if you separate your romantic attraction and your sexual attraction. For example, just as someone can be homosexual, they can also be homoromantic. It is entirely possible to be say, biromantic and homosexual, romantically attracted to multiple genders, but only sexually attracted to one. There is just an endless list of combinations that get overlooked as they don't fit into the neat little heteronormative narrative that benefits so many straight people in our very heterosexist society.

For example, in general I feel pretty disgusted by the idea of having sex with both genders, less so with women I guess. This might make me asexual but I've never quite felt comfortable with that label because for some reason I just know I am attracted to both genders. I've seen both men and women and just been enraptured by them on some aesthetic, physical level. I almost can't explain it, but it is certainly my version of sexual attraction. Maybe the after effects of spending my formative years exposed to a hypersexual society? Who knows. But as for romantic attraction? Someone I'd want to be in a relationship with? Someone I feel like I could trust? Someone to commit to? Women all the way. I don't think I could ever be in a romantic relationship with a man. It just doesn't feel possible. Is it possible that had I not been sexually abused by men I could feel more romantic attraction to them? Maybe. But it certainly doesn't work this way for everyone and it doesn't have to work that way for your feelings and your abuse.

I guess what I'm trying to say, like @Lola Nocheprieta said, sexuality is very complex, much more complex than people will have you think. And it can certainly be shaped by your experiences. The "born this way" mentality is very popular with the community as it gives a sense of validation for people who don't have sexual trauma, but it can be VERY alienating and confusing for LGBT+ people who feel as though their sexuality has been shaped by their trauma. I mean there are still days where I wonder, am I just a straight up lesbian? Some days it seems like men aren't so bad, maybe I am bisexual? Other days its like, everyone is repulsive, so does that mean I am asexual?

So I would say, don't be surprised or feel bad or wrong if your romantic and sexual attraction fluctuates or doesn't fit a standard of what you expect it to as you work through your trauma. There is nothing wrong with that.

 

[Ronin]

^^ That, and sexuality is really, really fluid.

It's not something that you're stuck with forever, quite often. So even if by chance parts of yours were stemming from trauma, there's no reason that won't change / change in the way you're more comfortable with, in the future, just on its own as you're moving further away from the trauma itself.

 

[anonymous]

something like this help

Yes, I think that would help, thanks. I'll probably do that whenever I return to therapy.

Also thanks to everyone else who has replied about this, you all have me now thinking that it doesn't really matter why I'm attracted to whoever, and I can understand maybe the abuse didn't cause the attractions. I can see it will be more about trying to accept myself as I am. That's the really really difficult part for me actually. I keep coming back to feeling somehow cheated out of the life I would likely have preferred. I mean, the dysfunction has certainly, I believe, been caused by the rape.

I even struggle with calling what she done, rape.

The dysfunction is what stops me. When I was younger, I would have liked to have stuck with a particular boyfriend I had but I just.. Felt inadequate. He didn't pressure me, I doubt he ever would have. It was just always this - I can't do this thing that I'd like to do. And I was just too ashamed to get help for it, I just pushed people out..

I have to say that I did enjoy the same sex relationships I had. But I still somehow felt that I was not being true with them. I feel that I took advantage knowing they had no problem about me not being able to have penetrative sex. I even lied, pretended I didn't like it. So I feel bad about that. I feel I wasn't being my true self.

I still feel very confused, very stuck. But definitely, I will read and re read all of your replies and somehow try to process these issues.

hugs if you accept them

Thanks, I do :) I am trying very hard to have self compassion.

 

[aut555]

Yes, I think that would help, thanks. I'll probably do that whenever I return to therapy.

Also than...

So great you came out and looked for answers. That took an awful lot of courage. If a therapist in anyway makes you feel bad, dump them. It takes time to feel comfortable in yourself,and that fact that you are seeking input shows you are ready to heal. Yay you!!!

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

The dysfunction is what stops me.

Hi, Anonymous. :)

Another way to separate the issue of sexual orientation from sexual performance/pleasure and the sexual abuse is to remember that heterosexual women can have vaginismus, too, whether as a result of early sexual abuse or some other cause. They must struggle mightily, too, with their feeling about what this means for them as a woman and a sexual being, pressure from their partner to perform, etc. Maybe you can find a vaginismus or pelvic floor dysfunction support group?

Btw, this might be TMI, but I have pelvic floor dysfunction, definitely from CSA. It doesn't affect me sexually but in other ways (eg, general pelvic pain, but not pain with penetration.) The worst part for me is just feeling sad and angry that things that were done to me in the past still affect me -- physically -- in the present. :(:mad:

You are not alone.

:hug:--Lola

 

[BuckarooBanzai]

A therapist expects you to come in and tell her your scary secrets. That's what therapy is all about.

You will find that, once you've told her, you will realize you had nothing to be worried about.

 

[Muted]

I feel for you so much. The vaginismus makes any penetrative sex scary. Many of us sexually ab...

I appreciate your response. It helped me see things I'm struggling and confused about from a different perspective. It wasn't until doing therapy that I questioned my own sexuality. My T. thinks she can make it all go away. I have no idea what to do.

 

[Lola Nocheprieta]

My T. thinks she can make it all go away. I have no idea what to do.

Hi, @Gia1019. I'm sorry you are struggling and confused and hurting. What do you think your T means when she says she can "make it all go away?" I don't want to hijack Anon's thread, so feel free to PM me.

 

[anonymous]

I'm done with it, I am just not letting it bother me anymore.