Catfish!

[Deleted member 1860]

Ok, so yes, I am a few years behind the times....BUT, I am going on a "Catfish" bender as I can watch the first two seasons for free on Amazon prime. So right now I'm half way through season 2... (For those who don't know, "Catfish" is the name of a movie and subsequent TV show on MTV that focuses on people who lie about their identities online.)

At first it just made me sick to see how people can be so cruel to another by lying about their identity online. It may be a screen that you're looking at, but there is a *real* person with *real* feelings behind that screen.

Some people ARE just downright cruel. Most are misguided and do it for selfish reasons, even if they don't set out to hurt another person. The good thing is that the hosts do try to help the "catfish" by digging into their reasons for doing what they did, and trying to get them to see why what they did was wrong. (Oh, but not all on the show are actual "catfish"....some people just are private and not ready to meet the other person.)

So anyway, I've had a few experiences with catfishing. I met one guy online who pretended to be a US serviceman. That one ticked me off, and I even tried to find the guy who's identity he'd stolen! And just tonight someone messaged me who is using a fake profile pic (on the website we connected on). I told him he should use a real pic of himself. We shall see what his response is....or if he blocks me!

I guess I just don't understand the point in lying about who you are online. I'm pretty damn real about myself, and don't lie about a darn thing. (Not that I'm a completely open book, as we all deserve privacy, but I don't lie about anything.)

So yes, let the "catfish" discussion begin! Please feel free to share any and all experiences and thoughts.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I watch that show all the time as well... I just cannot get over how some of the "catfish" keep it up for YEARS and not come clean eventually. It has got to be exhausting.

I've seen some catfish action, because I went through an online dating spell after my divorce when my kids were small. It just did not appeal to me for long, because it seemed like a lot of people were full of bologna, to say the least. Either that, or a man asks for a picture, so you send one of your face... then get one of his willie in return. It always makes me wonder what his face looks like if he sends that instead.

 

[darrenS]

oh boy oh boy ....ive had an online presence since about 95 i think , i used to meet many people online then in real person. I used to live way out in the sticks , near a regional airport that only had flights every few days. I met this woman from Sydney , we chatted for hours at a time , phoned each other and got along so well we decided to meet. She flew down to stay with me for 2 days. I went to the airport(if u can call it that) to pick her up, the plane lands , cant see her anywhere. This strange woman approaches me and asked if im Darren....ahh yep..turns out to be her, looks nothing like her pic , she 3 times the size and 10-15 yrs older looking - her excuse ..oh dont worry old pic...well im isolated - the plane i find out doesnt come back for 4 days, so im stuck ...i made the best of it by being kind...but any visions of wild romance are left on the tarmac..she just wasn't the same person.

I take her to my house and do my best to just try and live through it..i show her where she is going to sleep - until of course im asleep, i tell her to get back to her own room - friendship only (lies were way too big) she proceeds to eat me out of house and home, and continually badgers me for more...all sorts of tantrums , twists, and turns, but i never give in ...no way !

Finally she returns home , only to ring me several times a day for weeks with threats of suicide, emotional breakdowns, howling etc etc till finally one day she tells me she is going to jump in front of a bus - i ask her to consider the bus drivers feelings ! and tell her to jump of a bridge onto a train (they wont see it but will hear it). Finally the calls stop and to this day if i hear a similar ringtone to the phone i had i still go into a cold sweat.

Ive had a couple more experiences both in the USA and Australia...in the early days of online all i seemed to garner was weirdos , out of at least 50 people , i could name 3 that were normal, stable and honest, 2 i am still friends with to this day and the other i married

 

[Ronin]

I'm not bothered. What I care for is the effects, not the masks people wear. If someone's exploitative creep, I don't care so much about what was lie and what wasn't, but about the hurt people by it.
And sometimes there's something interesting along the way, beyond the motive. (How did you fool this and that person? What makes you succesful at what you do? beyond the mere 'why', can be all something to learn from.)

 

[Go Hungry]

Aargh. Yeah I ran into someone like this recently on OKCupid. (I doubt I really need another person in my life right now, but.. you know.. snuggles, right?) :angelic:
So this girl is basically perfect, I mean omg she is into everything that appeals to all the people inside of me. Kid, Fiend, Helios, Core... all of us. (And really, thinking back, she would be a CODA's wet-dream, another person to be 'saved'... :rolleyes:) It's almost like she was intentionally created for me. And I bit the bait, so I just started messaging her like you would somebody, quite happy about it all, until I speak with one of my friends who tells me what a Catfish is... The next day this girl stops responding to my messages. A wacky coincidence. But I didn't lose any sleep about it. I'm still not sure what it was all about, really. Could be a catfish, but could also just be one profoundly damaged person.

The thing that worries me, is about how -not- to be a catfish? I mean, I don't go on OKC or other sites trying to be someone I'm not. I'm honest about most things, and present myself in a good light. There are a lot of positive things about me. But I certainly don't advertise that I have brain damage, am 4 people, have PTSD and am a recovering alcoholic with CODA tendencies. Sheesh, nobody would want to step into all of that shit... So what to do?

Met another girl, she seems really cool, she responded to my letters and maybe we can be friends. But I don't know how on earth I would ever come out to her about all the above stated crap, when/where, what to do, etc.

:blackeye:

 

[Ronin]

But I don't know how on earth I would ever come out to her about all the above stated crap, when/where, what to do, etc.

:blackeye:

You could just well do it, not make a big deal out of it, and wait for how she responds. (And humor helps. You can always poke at stereotypes, even if they apply to some degree. 'Look I was bumped on the head as a baby, then life screwed me over, I said f*ck it where's the bottle but other me disagreed, so I'm here, trying to build a new life... but how are you' is totally more readable as 'friendly and approachable and a nice person who isn't someone to keep away from' to me than many other ways of saying things.)

Mostly if that particular person and you have something to give each other, the differences won't matter that much. If they matter that much, they weren't the right person for you anyway. And friendship? Friendship's best built with honesty. (Or enough shared interests, depending what kind of friendship you're looking for. In every case honesty in something helps.)

 

[Go Hungry]

Thanks @Kaia Yeah, I haven't heard from her in a few days, so I might not ever again. *shrug* But yeah, I figured that if/when I do ever hook up with somebody in a serious way, I'm not going to come out in a dramatic manner. Certainly not in a 'oh pitiful me' way. That's lame. Hell, that's just asking for CODA. But it does concern me. I guess it's all the same though, as you said.. quality relationships are built on trust, and if somebody doesn't want you after you explain things, then that's how it is. I mean, nobody can make another's decisions for them, and trying to do so is just pure manipulation and ultimately horrid in it's own right. :poop:

 

[Deleted member 1860]

@Go Hungry,

I think there's definitely a HUGE difference between catfishing and not disclosing everything all at once. I think that if you come right out and tell someone right away that you have all these things going on (PTSD, etc) then yes, they will run. But, if you let the other person get to know you and like you, and you can actually show them that you are a great person, when they find out that you have PTSD and such, they're much less likely to run. Like it or not, we are up against social misperception so I think it is VERY important for us to hold back and get to know people before we lay such heavy issues on them. No, its not lying, not in the least. Its about being smart about what we disclose to whom, and doing so at the right time. Of course you don't want to wait too long to disclose your struggles, as that can also be seen as hiding something. (I think we've read supporter stories here on the forum where some sufferers get all the way into marriage before disclosure, and yep, I'd say that IS way too long and indeed hiding the disorder.) Only you know the right time to disclose, but not disclosing immediately isn't lying, it isn't catfishing.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

This is too funny....this new guy I met on the other site, well, I keep on talking to him even though he hasn't been completely honest. I feel like I want to be a catfish reformer, LOL. I know he's misrepresenting himself and he knows that I know cuz I called him out on it, in a more subtle sort of way. Lets just hope I don't get into this one too deep! (Its a pen pal site, he only knows my first name and has seen a pic of me that I have used nowhere else, so I feel reasonably "safe"...you kwim.)