Change Coming, But I'm Lost More Than Ever

[HappyJock]

Hi guys.

Normally I'd never post when it comes to being really vulnerable and honest, but seeing as to how I've never felt this before, I feel quite lost. Intensely.

After I left the therapist, things started spiraling downwards. Not that it wasn't spiraling downwards before, but I guess I haven't had therapy in a few days. I can't tell you how delusional and paranoid I am, looking at the people around me, fearing not only that I'll see my abuser, but that I'm being watched on my camera. My head has NEVER felt so bugged. I've lost memory a couple of times of who I was; what I was and what I was doing. I considered checking myself into the ER for such an intense heightened emotional state where I feel like ending my own life. Not ten minutes later, I remember things clearly. Five minutes later, I have such an intense headache, my vision is off, my head is delusional and I keep having these delusions of who I am, my past, present, who I'm running from, what, etc. My new T can only see me next Thursday but this other T who also specializes in the things I need said she's free this weekend. I just don't know what to do. I already am waiting on my new T next Thursday. I can't go to this T this weekend because my insurance won't pay for two therapists. They will pay for ONE therapist and ONE psychiatrist and I can switch whenever I want, of course. I just fear that if I wait, I'll get worse; but if I go to this one, I'm missing out on going to the one I have next Thursday with because she's extremely knowledgeable and is able to help me. On a scale, next Thursday, the T is 100%. The T that offered this weekend is 90%. I'm not trying to sound like "I want the best." That isn't it. Just knowing me, I really want someone that can help but the WAIT is what's making me worse. But then, for an hour, I'm as good as new. I just don't get what or who I am or what I'm feeling. So inconsistent. Very. I saw a self-harm scar today. I just don't remember ever doing it.

 

[Justmehere]

I'm so glad you are reaching out! It's hard to be so vulnerable. Seems like the last session and possibly even the transitional time in the roasts might be stirring up a lot of symptoms for you.

Since you are self harming without remembering and/or considering hospitalization, even as a remote possibility, call one or preferably both therapists and tell them exactly how you are doing, just as you have described here. Explain to them your dilemma with the insurance and scheduling. They may know of options they can work out for you so that you can get the best support to get through this time.

If you go to the ER they will likely want to call one or both therapists anyhow. Give them a heads up about how bad things are getting.

If you have done that already, or that option is too hard right now - some other suggestions are: use the crisis line, crisis text (google it), or crisis chat for org. Use any grounding skills you have even when you feel ok. Carry a frozen water bottle to hold when you start to feel bad and maybe a journal to jot down what you do and how you are feeling to help keep track of any time losses.

But most of all, tell your treating providers what happening. They will want to help you navigate this.

 

[Stickler]

It isn't usual to get your camera hacked.
However, if it's scaring you, put a bit of duct tape over the camera lens and the mic, then make sure you're running a good antiviral.

I would suggest that one or more of your parts who is still stuck in the past are leaking their feelings and fears into you?
Reassure them that it is now, that you are a big grownup, that you are there to keep them safe, that you ARE keeping them safe.

 

[Sideways]

I don't want to write-off a potentially really serious issue with bad advice, so I definitely think getting in touch with your T (either one, try both, yes it's an emergency) to let them know what's going on, and of course: have you changed meds recently? Do you have anything you can take to ease things for now?

Delusional? Paranoid? This may be WAY off, and like I said, I don't want to give you a bum steer if this is really serious, so start with your T...

I remember the immense panic that one of my littles caused when she used to come out. I kept a journal, and I was in hospital for a few of the episodes, so I have a lot of accurate info about what it was like. Very delusional. Extremely paranoid. Like, "this isn't my body, who are these people, why am I here, freak out, freak out freak out."

She was terrified, and very convinced she was in someone else's body. "Look at your hands" from my doctor got met with tears and "These aren't my hands":

Weird. But very real. And very scary. Tripping back and forth between headspaces just made it that much more confusing and scary and I spent a long time afterwards quite convinced that I was completely mad.

If any of that is ringing true, grounding is really important right now, and pull out all the self-soothing exercises you've got. And breathe. It's freaky, scary, over-whelming. But if this is DID announcing itself now that it's been challenged, you will be okay.

 

[Stickler]

One of my kids came out and was horrified at the size of my "giant flappy feet.":laugh: :rolleyes: That's how she put it.
Uh, yeah, having two different worldviews come pancaking down onto each other? It's trippy. Not often in a good way. Not usually funny, as it was for me on The Night Of The Giant Feet.

It might help to remember that Dissociative Identity Disorder ( which you've been diagnosed with, so I'm going with that ) is a high-level coping mechanism. You survived because of one another. Now it's time to learn to work as a team.

 

[Friday]

1) This weekend or Thursday? At the very least be seen this weekend.

If you get on well, and 90% is someone you want to work with long term? Cx Thursday. If you're uncertain after meeting this weekend if you'd like to continue with 90%? Go to Thursday. AKA do both. This weekend and Thursday. It's far from unusual for there to be a couple different names a year that insurance will pay for -without blinking- because your T takes vacations, sick days, etc. As long as it's not a long term thing where you have 2 names showing up every week? I doubt there will be any issue beyond IF they ask, say that was the therapist that covered for my therapist when they were unavailable. Worst case scenario? You'll end up paying out of pocket for 1 appointment, with someone you don't see (whomever you don't pick, 90% or Thursday), so can pay it off $10 at a time for a year if need be. It's not like you can't see them again until they're paid off, so they have to be paid immediately. Best case scenario? Insurance pays for both, and you get to have a solid session with each new therapist before you decide who you want to work with.

2) Wanting the best? Is okay.

3)

It might help to remember that Dissociative Identity Disorder ( which you've been diagnosed with, so I'm going with that ) is a high-level coping mechanism. You survived because of one another. Now it's time to learn to work as a team.

This. ^^^

 

[Whyteferret]

I'm so glad you are reaching out! It's hard to be so vulnerable. Seems like the last session and pos...

National Suicide Prevention Hotline has a text option.
1-800-273-8255

 

[Whyteferret]

It isn't usual to get your camera hacked.
However, if it's scaring you, put a bit of duct tape over th...

Confused: of course is thread isn't about me. But, why are we talking about cameras?

 

[Stickler]

@ ferret, he's afraid someone's hacked his computer and is watching him through his computer's webcam, I think?
My thought was...well, if it was a desktop he could just unplug. Must be a laptop.

It's highly unlikely that someone has hacked his webcam, but if he puts tape over the lens and mic, he knows for 100% certain nobody is looking.
If a tiny bit of duct tape makes the OP feel way safer...

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I would go for the hotline first and then call your therapist and tell them this is an emergency. You are not going mad you are dealing with some heavy duty things and your PTSD cup is overflowing right now. I really encourage you to reach out for help right now.I think you are worth getting some special help right now.:hug:

 

[HappyJock]

Thanks for the reply everyone. I'm not going to call my therapist or anything, as much as I want to, it's not something I could ever imagine doing. My mind blocks it out any time I try asking for help. Regarding the cameras: I used to be a network security professional for several companies and things got really bad when I ran my own business and my cameras were hacked, both on my phone, every office computer, the power was shut off by hackers (light switches, modems, routers, elevator signals) - everything was networked because we had modern technology instead of the old-fashioned ways that some buildings still have in NY. Private conversations, even. It stopped after about a year of investigating it and me firewalling everything and leaving that industry behind -- but sometimes the paranoia got to me and still gets to me. I never did talk about it with a therapist although one therapist of mine found out and tried to talk to me to deal with the intensity of the situation but I never opened up about it. For me, it's more than extremely common to get everything and anything hacked. Not anymore, of course -- when I was in the industry. I guess that's why they call it paranoia? I never talked about it so it still bothers me, among the reason for my PTSD and anxiety. I know security precautions and to put tape on it... It still bugs me especially when my paranoia and fear of the abuse and its emotions are heightened everything just feels 10x worse.

I have taken every post to consideration and I read through them all as they were all helpful -- thanks again. I appreciate it.

 

[Whyteferret]

@ ferret, he's afraid someone's hacked his computer and is watching him through his computer's webcam,...

Ok. I missed that. Thanks