those kind of incredibly volatile people who were far more likely to lash out in blind rage, if they’re deliriously happy half a second beforehand, than if nothing of note is going on? IE hypervigilance kicking into high gear?
Kind of odd to read this because yes, and I hadn’t considered it. I had my dad and my brother. Being happy was a dangerous thing because I could be mocked or teased. But also, I forgot about how my dad’s moods were completely unpredictable. The sound of laughter could send him into a rage if he was in the wrong mood. And my brother would also go after me. I haven’t talked much about what my brother did because my dad ran the show and I have a super hard time putting responsibility on him when our dad was so abusive, but he did have times where he did cruel things. Like one time (only once) he and his friend tickled me real hard then punched me in the stomach to see what I would do when I ran out of air. So now that you mention it I think that being happy and laughing were vulnerable for me. And also my dad’s moods were unstable and not true. My dad could pretend to be happy and then turn the moment into rage and punishment.
I appreciate thinking of that because I hadn’t thought about how important it is to remind myself that I’m in the present.
I think that before recovery I was kept on a tight leash of triggers 24/7. I still remember when I had the first thought of agency and it was only for a few seconds of the whole day. It’s hard for me to separate from the depression and OCD since I was bathing in it before for survival.
I hope I can begin to integrate a perspective of “me here vs me then” continuously throughout the day.
Do you feel a part OF those happy events
Also a good question. I noticed later in the night after dinner I was watching a movie with my daughter and those “teenage SI” feelings were absent. At first I felt guilty for creating this thread. I thought, “See, your feelings change, can’t you remember that feelings change? Why do you get so scared when you have bad feelings and think they will last forever?”
Now I see that talking that way to myself is kind of gaslighting and dismissing. I’m allowed to talk about my feelings. I’m not wallowing in my shame. I never would have heard your insight or felt the support of
@LittleBigFoot .
And besides I woke up with the same intrusive thoughts, but don’t have them right now.
But to answer your question, no, I don’t think I do feel a part of the happy event, but I never thought about it that way before. I think I’m feeling uncomfortable for some reason at the time but maybe not aware or tuned in to what is making me uncomfortable (which is why I’m wondering if it’s self care related).
That might be a question I could ask myself when it happens, “Do I feel a part of this experience?” And if not, why not? Am I anticipating a mood crash or am I having a flashback? Can I regulate myself and ground myself?
1. How do you you normally handle other people’s emotions being directed at you?
This question throws me off. When I read it I have the sensation of reading another language which I almost understand. And brief images of my dream last night. I think sometimes my perception of myself is walking around with a shield around me and deflecting emotions which may get in my range but otherwise not seeking emotional interactions.
Trying hard not to feel ashamed about imposter syndrome or think that I’m dangerous for being so removed from other people. The thing is that at work I’m constantly talking with people and interacting with children’s emotions, but from a place of “older, wiser.” Also I’m really good at helping kids with anger because of how neutral and by-the-facts I am. Also I’m good at validating kids emotions and discussing coping strategies.
Which makes it that much more shameful that I struggle with myself. The imposter syndrome is so shameful. But it’s way way better than before and depression with SI is no longer considered my “real self”.
