Sufferer Child sexual assault survivor struggling to share in therapy

[Deleted member 42957]

I understand this working with a client with DID who had 20 inner people they talked to me and i...

Thank you for your reply.
When I'm with my T I can talk about any subject until it comes down to talking of anything to do with myself. From talking about music I listen to, what I've done at the weekend to my emotions and my past. I just stop.I find it very hard to discuss how I feel because I can't explain or don't really know how I feel sometimes. My mind either goes completely blank or gets overloaded with things that should come out. I try to get some sort of sentence together in my mind just to say something but can't say it. I get really upset, shakey and frustrated and want to just run away but at the same time want my T to just grab me, shout in my face and get it out. It doesn't feel right to be speaking about my life. I feel I'm doing something wrong and there will be consequences.

 

[NewBeginnings]

I just stop and find it hard to talk about how I feel.

i think this is about accepting to deserve to talk about our own feelings. I talk but from the moment I get to anything personal I look out the window or at a rug in her office and run away in my mind until I can share (run away but not in a dissociate way - that come later) and then I do not resume eye contact until I go to leave (sometimes I don't even look at her).

 

[Deleted member 42957]

Yes I definately do the same. Why do we find it so difficult? Accepting that we deserve to talk about our own feelings....... I will think about that tonight, that's interesting.

 

[Friday]

@Mangochutney ... It may help to consider that Avoidance is actually a symptom OF PTSD. So in learning to deal with the avoidance? (And the resulting disassociation, dysregulation, etc.), is all part of treating this disorder. :)

 

[Lost in Idaho]

I know that i should be talking and getting stuff out in the open but when taking to my t the couple times that i have i just feel like I'm putting on a show for her. It has been a while and I've tried dealing with things the best i can mostly by volunteering so i could have tray feeling of pride knowing i heeled someone else but lately it's started feeling like why doo i want so badly to be important and help others when out feels like no one wants to help me. I'm not talking about any of you on here just the feeling lately. My past memories that i do have is a lot of negative and I've been getting more jumpy and paranoid with my new husband because i keep feeling like it's inevitable that eventually something will go bad. He will betray me. And i have nothing to base that on. He is a great guy. He is respectful. There is no real reason and i know that but yet it's almost like i want him to do something so i can say i knew it. I don't want to lose him because of my problems that's why I'm here.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

but lately it's started feeling like why doo i want so badly to be important and help others when out feels like no one wants to help me.

I too feel like this. I think sometimes no one cares if I'm here or not so if I do good and help people then I feel needed? Although I'm then only thought about because they need me to do something for them and they are not just thinking about me?
Sometimes I want people to ask how I am and keep asking even if I give the safe answer of 'I'm fine" but other days I dread anyone asking.
Your new husband has chosen you to spend his life with and you him.Like you say he is great and respectful.You both have something special between you. I guess when we are used to negative things and thinking most of our lives we struggle to remember and think of some positives. Something I heard someone say in a similar situation was that every morning and night they would think of 2 positives things in their life now. I don't know if this helps but could try it? I suppose we have to try and out way the negative stuff with good.xxxxx

 

[talon]

Thank you for your reply.
When I'm with my T I can talk about any subject until it comes down to...

I understand from my own experiences it took me 40 yrs to speak out and even then it was in a setting where we were required to share. I was studying counselling and Psychology and realized that i had not dealt with my own inner demons. Sharing one to one and discovering my fellow students had their own stories to tell and how they each dealt with their situation was of great comfort knowing i was not alone. When i was 11 yrs old i won a poetry competition . The emotions i released through my poems I realized were a form of therapy . It was this that made me understand that i could write about my feelings and emotions but found it difficult to find the right words when they were needed.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

In one of my last sessions I had taken in two poems I had written to try to get something out. I felt good that I had made a contribution to my session but couldn't discuss the one I had written trying to tell my T a bit of what happened. I have written several poems but not shown them to anyone.

I think when I'm talking I get in such a muddle and sometimes stutter and say something completely different to what I intended that I stop and think I'm not making sense so won't be believed

 

[Fayne Jane]

I understand all of your fears in not disclosing but trust me it you have a good therapist and there are bad ones out there you have to trust. I was repeatedly raped at age 6-7 yo, then in my 40's I was attacked, beaten, raped and left for dead. There is nothing harder than being honest with a therapist and there is nothing more freeing to open up being honest. I dealt with my childhood issues when I was younger, but it took me 13 years of denial and living in PTSD until I came to another crisis to finally get the help I needed by a trauma specialist and do EMDR. I have lost 13 years of my life due to my fear and denial. I was so afraid to be open and honest but I finally did and within 3 months I am free, free of anxiety, free of my outbursts and pushing others away. It isn't easy to be honest with ones self and even harder to disclose to a T but it is so worth it in the long run,. Please learn from my mistakes and be honest, vocalize your fear of opening up to your T and then take baby steps in being honest. Take one step of being honest and sharing at a time until you trust yourself enough to share. It is the only way to be Free.

 

[NewBeginnings]

say something completely different to what I intended that I stop and think I'm not making sense so won't be believed

Why are we so afraid we won't be believed?

When I finally really opened up I was completely shocked that I didn't have to convince or reassure my T or any of that for her to believe me. (Granted it was hard to come out and it has been years but it was a big deal for me.)

I don't think we have to be the ones concerned about making sense. I think the importance of the thought process and putting it into words can't be minimized. If we don't make sense and it is important that we are coherent then our T will ask questions to better understand or help us to understand more.

 

[GWhizz]

I agree that honesty is vital. But openness? No. You shouldn't have to open up if you're not ready. Your T shouldn't terminate on these grounds. She should support you. Build a trusting relationship first. Do stabilisation and grounding / coping skills etc. If she can't offer strategies to work through your avoidance, other than saying come back when you can be fully open, then I would be looking for a new T.

 

[Deleted member 42957]

When my t suggested I stop I was really angry and upset. She is getting married this week and not available for a month. I did get the impression she was fed up with me and wanted to stop before she went away. But, I do really like her and want to continue with her.i just feel sometimes like she doesn't understand me. How can she if I don't tell her.