Christmas In Hell? (abusive Father, Passive Mother, Distraught Daughter)

[Deleted member 12723]

I really feel for you in this situation. This is a crazy making situation. I think you could be true to yourself and protect yourself and take yourself out of the situation with your mom. I think it is tragic that she has sided with your abuser.

You do not have see them ever again. It will be hard because you will feel like an orphan. I cut off contact with my family and I missed having a family very much. But whenever I had contact with them I got sucked into the family toxic dynamics.

Which caused more pain than anything else. I have to have strong boundries. I have one sister left in my family of origin. I can only maintain contact with her by the phone. I have not seen her in four years. She is too toxic to be around for a longer amount of time.

But you have to be true to yourself. You have to go with your gut instincts. You know what you can handle and what you cannot. I wish you the best in dealing with this ugly situation. It makes me very angry that your mom does not believe you.

I think it is really wise of you not to let your kids over there. Good for you. You are really smart to protect your kids. You are a good mom. Take care and good luck with your choices.

 

[Alykins]

Thank you all so much for supporting and understanding me! I need to get into the habit of logging on more often than when I'm having a hard time, I hope someday I'll be able to offer as much support as I've found in you all.

So, (6 months later) Christmas worked out for me. I stuck to my guns that I would absolutely not be there if my abuser was. In response to my message saying "estrange him, or I'll become estranged..", here is some of what my mom wrote back "I know you're angry, understandably so. I still have many angry moments and feelings of guilt. Maybe he is the one who should hear how you feel." She basically put me in a corner, but I messaged him anyway.

I wrote: Do not be at the house on Christmas Day. I shouldn't be the one exiled from my family on the holidays because of your wrong doings.

And he wrote back: I'm not the person I was. I will always love you and would do anything for you to be happy. I hope someday, for your own well-being you can find forgiveness.. (and sent some poorly researched link about "understanding forgiveness")

So I wrote simply back: If you're there, I will leave.

I knew if I kept messaging back and forth that he would take it as an opening, so when he wrote back asking when I'd be there so he could be out of the way, I just dealt with mom after that. It was really rough & apparently made my mom think I hate her. Only sometimes ;)

I think the holidays are going to be hard until I have a family of my own. I suspect year after year I'll have to be my own protection, as much as I still want my mom to do some of that. It really hurts to lose one parent because they abused you, but to lose the one who didn't really REALLY hurts. I hate that my friends talk to their parents a lot. I talk to my mom only a handful of times throughout the year. Well, that's for another thread!

 

[Abstract]

Maybe he is the one who should hear how you feel.

:mad:

understanding forgiveness")

:mad::mad:

I'll have to be my own protection,

Sadly I think you will have to be. I am sorry your mother is not stepping up to plate and protecting and helping you in the way she should.

really REALLY hurts.

I am so sorry. I will never understand certain reactions people have.

 

[saffy]

Thank you all so much for supporting and understanding me

Hi Alykins

Well done for sticking to your guns. Very proud and it showed personal strength to stand up like that.

Don't cave to pressure or manipulations, you have every right to assert your needs and wishes and to expect them to respect that. If they cannot the problem is with their lack of ability to respect others boundaries (he has already proved that eh).

Hope you are having a lovely year :)

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[HëllaBubz]

Hi Alykins,

Just wanted to say I'm super proud of the way you handled things - my family tend to be more passive aggressive with things like that, and I constantly get small comments that let me know what they are really thinking, as opposed to their actions.

Keep it up, just because someone thinks they have or have changed doesn't mean that anyone is allowed to diminish the resounding effects it has on you - something that I am in the process of trying to teach my family - and will most likely fail at.

Keep your chin up, and well done - Christmas should be about stuffing yourself full of yummy things and seeing the look on other people's faces when you give them a gift you know they've wanted for aged - not seeing the shadow on the wall of someone you know is lurking close by.

best of luck

Bubzie