Close Friend Revealed My Abuse To My Co-Workers

[Manic11]

So I went into work today and a co-worker pulled me aside. She had explained to me that there is a situation with another co-worker of mine (who happens to be a very close friend of mine).
She went on to tell me that he told her and a couple other co-workers about my abuse. At first my thought was "Deny, deny, deny" but I just broke down. I began crying and went to the bathroom to attempt to gather myself.
I can't believe he did this! I opened up to him in confidence. He helped me so much and he was always there for me. I just didn't know that the whole time he was telling others about my abuse.
How could he do that?!
I was beyond hurt. I had a panic attack while I was crying and I just couldn't handle it. Now I feel as if I don't want to talk to anyone about it anymore. I don't want anyone to know. And that includes trying to heal. I just don't want to anymore. I want to go back to keeping it all in and pretending as if nothing ever happened. I am happy. I am perfect.
But I know that's not a good idea. I don't want to start from square one.

Has anyone ever had this happen? What should I do? I'm humiliated.

Manic

 

[sigh]

Mean People Should Go Away

I am so sorry. I am so so sorry that this happened to you. He is now a mushroom. And you know how they grow mushrooms and what they grow them in? He's a mushroom. And in so far as your other co-workers go, hold your head high and ignore it. If they look at you funny, just give 'em a purty smile. Take regular breaks to go into the bathroom and let it out. Try not to sigh too much. Retched Retched people.:Hug_emoticon:

 

[Tinyflame]

I know this is hard to say for me Manic, but if this was a close friend, perhaps he thought that the others would be more understanding/ sympathetic, if they knew.

-But I understand the terrible feeling of betrayal. You put your trust in him- not them, or you would have told them yourself.

I think that only when things are kept in confidence, do we feel able to say what is in our minds and hearts. You have every right to feel the way you do.

That being said, you have done nothing wrong, and have nothing to be ashamed of. And you were a 'victim', not a perpetrator.

It's very likely they themselves have many skeletons in their closets- especially if they act judgemental.
On the other hand, it may give someone who's been through something similar the courage to approach you, to get help for themselves, at some point.

Please do not let your friend's bad judgement derail your healing. And write it out, or tell someone (like here) what you're feeling. Tell him too, if you want.

Let your co-workers see what an amzing, strong and beautiful woman you are- especially considering going thru all that. Let them see your courage, and know that this, too, shall pass.

(-And I know-easier said than done).

-My heart goes out to you
Meg
:Hug_emoticon:

 

[anthony]

Actually, I pretty much test people in my own way as to whether they have my trust or not. As a result, there are few people in life I actually trust, as I have given many little secrets, even total BS, just to see whether they hold it and don't betray my trust. Sucks life had to come to this, but I learnt long ago friends are something that are few in life... very few value trust IMO nowadays.

 

[BethRSA]

Manic,

Sorry that this betrayal happened to you. It's so hard because trust is already an issue with us. Then, when we do finally trust someone, and they break the trust, then we go back to not trusting anyone.

5 years ago, I had a big issue with trust with my work because my boss at the time (who didn't know about my rape/miscarriage at the time) and his wife (who was then the "member care"/human resources person) just asked me in a restaurant "So, are you over your rape yet?" I was SHOCKED. I didn't know who told them or how they knew. The "member care" lady was treating me with total disregard to feelings or trust. Who could I complain to? Her husband was my "big boss". So I buried the whole thing and vowed to never tell anyone again.

2 years ago, I told the new "member care" lady because I needed permission to go on a 3 week residential retreat/counseling session. I thought she understood especially when the retreat sent a report that I was to be the "keeper of my story" and no one should tell anyone else. When I was finally grieving for the baby I lost, the "member care" lady couldn't handle it so she told her/my boss. I was so hurt, disgusted, cross, etc.

I don't have answers for you, but I've felt this pain. I've gotten to the point where I assume in my head that whoever I tell will tell someone. So, I'm very selective in who I tell my story to--besides on the forum.

:Hug_emoticon: Beth

 

[ISupportHer]

I Am So Sorry

It took me a while to appriciate the whole trust issue with my wife. Maybe the whole "Men are from Mars, Women from Venus" thing. As discussed elsewhere in the forum, those on the outside usually don't even know what they don't know. Unless they take a little time to listen and learn, but that takes effort.

My friend, I am just so sorry that this has happened to you. Can I say I understand or fully know how you feel? No, but I can say I have a pretty good sense of your feelings and empathise with you. I think I CAN say that I can sense that trust is an issue for you and that this is very painful. Not only for this situation but starting to, at some time, hopefully being able to trust.

I, and everyone else here I'm sure, are`here for you.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Having someone do this, would suck, especially if you thought he was your friend.......Simply put, he is not.......It will be your decision if you let him in your life again or not, but if you should, then be careful what you tell him.

As far as the others knowing.......I'm not sure what your trauma is, but I would hold my head up, go back to work, and not act any differently than you have in the past. If someone should ask you something about it, admit that it happened, explain to them that this subject upsets you greatly, and that you would prefer to not speak about it again.......

I know this hurts, and it sucks, but it's something that you can learn from, deal with, and move on... It may just help you in the future....

 

[kers]

explain to them that this subject upsets you greatly, and that you would prefer to not speak about it again.......

I think Wendy's on the right track with this. It's going to suck, and it's awful that he betrayed you this way, but you CAN get through it. It's painful as hell, but you are strong, Manic. I'd also remember that most folks aren't judging you or thinking any less of you. More than anything, I bet most folks feel empathy and compassion--like the woman who thought to take you aside and tell you what was up.

Be gentle with yourself.

 

[This Ends Now]

Manic11,

Sorry to hear that your friend "outed" your PTSD. That is totally messed up. Some people do not understand the discrimination survivors of PTSD face.

I was fortunate at my last job because one of the managers was a combat vet who was very open about his PTSD. He gave all of us waiters fair warning that he had triggers and if we accidentally set him off we could get hurt or fired.

Other places that I have worked were not so understanding. As soon as management found out I would either get my shifts cut or they would find an excuse to fire me.

This is why I lie about what is going on so much when I am in public or around strangers. Sometimes the best way to lie is to tell the truth and the best way to communicate the truth is by lying.

Please do not let this stop your healing process. You can always talk here without being judged or discriminated against. This is a safe place and we are all here for you.

::Hugs::

Liz H.

 

[Manic11]

Actually, I pretty much test people in my own way as to whether they have my trust or not.

I don't know how to tell if I can trust someone or not. I thought I knew but I obviously don't.
How do you (everyone) test people? How do you know if you can trust them or not?

Manic

 

[evergreen]

Manic,

I understand the feeling of betrayal. It is a big trigger for many with PTSD.

I am not defending this guy, but I agree with Junebug that it is likely he did it for the 'right reasons' in his mind. Maybe he was explaining parts of you that are hard to understand, maybe he was expressing his pain over your abuse, or maybe he was helping someone else that has gone through something similar.

I happen to share the fact that I have cPTSD with people because I don't feel shame in it anymore and I feel it is good to educate people of the disorder. However, I understand people wanting to keep it secret because they fear more judgement. I believe this is a wall to recovery. It feels to me that to hide that part is saying it is shameful...I don't believe in full recovery if there is still shame.

I am not saying this to make you feel bad for wanting this to be kept hidden. I don't want you to feel bad at all, and that is why I am pointing out to you that maybe it is not such a big deal. Maybe it is triggering feelings from betrayal during your trauma.

To me, it would be worth explaining to this guy that you are not ready to disclose this info to people. Explain how it made you feel. Then perhaps delve into why you are so ashamed of having PTSD.

Hugs,Evergreen

 

[Grama-Herc]

I can only offer my feelings on this matter in order for you to try and make some kind of sense to this idiots actions. He is an IDIOT> There, my feelings on the matter.

When I was in hospital we were given a day of education on how to handle this exact situation(more or less). It was our decision and ours lone whether to share any or all info about our condition. It was suggested to pick option and stick to it.
Don't lie or get defensive they told us.

The suggestion Wendy made is one of the options. Simply acknowledge with "Yes, but this is an issue I don't feel comfortable discussing and I'm sure you understand" and then walk away. Be polite as possible, but leave the end of subject on their side of the room.