Upside Down Eagle
Diamond Member
This is going to be a bittersweet post. I read the description for the purpose of this forum area, and the category "significant accomplishments" could not be more accurate.
I have made incredible, mile long strides in the past few weeks. The "reptilian" side of my brain seems to be receding. The weaker it gets, the more it fights, the stronger the fear, the stronger the sorrow, the stronger obsessive-compulsive tendencies, the stronger the suicidal ideation, the grief.
This might not make sense to everyone. Or maybe it makes more sense to you guys than it ever could to someone who has not been involved in traumatizing circumstances. I am losing who I used to be - she used to be a cool person, but a very traumatized person, for that matter.
The person I am - a dark haired, compassionate guy - is mourning an enormous loss. I lost a sister. And old Self, who took an incredible shitstorm of verbal and physical abuse, crawled through it, but she did not make it. She fought for me and then she won - that was her purpose, her reason to exist.
It is strange and so otherworldy, to go on without her. It tastes bittersweet to be on this road towards victory; this road that she never got to experience. I feel like I should do something for her. But what can I do, rather than just enjoy the life that lies ahead of me?
In the course of a single year, I
You´re allright, cat. Take a look around. You´re in the Cessna again, the engines are purring. The shadow of the plane shrinks on the runway, the adrenaline is rushing through your veins. The skydive master signals to the pilot to start spotting. Are you ready, cat?
Jump.
I have made incredible, mile long strides in the past few weeks. The "reptilian" side of my brain seems to be receding. The weaker it gets, the more it fights, the stronger the fear, the stronger the sorrow, the stronger obsessive-compulsive tendencies, the stronger the suicidal ideation, the grief.
This might not make sense to everyone. Or maybe it makes more sense to you guys than it ever could to someone who has not been involved in traumatizing circumstances. I am losing who I used to be - she used to be a cool person, but a very traumatized person, for that matter.
The person I am - a dark haired, compassionate guy - is mourning an enormous loss. I lost a sister. And old Self, who took an incredible shitstorm of verbal and physical abuse, crawled through it, but she did not make it. She fought for me and then she won - that was her purpose, her reason to exist.
It is strange and so otherworldy, to go on without her. It tastes bittersweet to be on this road towards victory; this road that she never got to experience. I feel like I should do something for her. But what can I do, rather than just enjoy the life that lies ahead of me?
In the course of a single year, I
- Built a growing circle of friends around me in whom I confide,
- Called and messaged several friends everyday, especially during crisis,
- Spoke up when specialists were not providing adequate treatment for me,
- Developed a calm discourse in my head during certain situations of perceived "danger",
- Chose friendship over resentment regarding those who unintentionally hurt me,
- Had an earnest conversation with friends who would seldom initiate contact,
- Established a good relationship with the people I share a house with.
You´re allright, cat. Take a look around. You´re in the Cessna again, the engines are purring. The shadow of the plane shrinks on the runway, the adrenaline is rushing through your veins. The skydive master signals to the pilot to start spotting. Are you ready, cat?
Jump.
