Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

[ILoveLife]

Just to send you a hug. You've been through so much, incredible person you are. :hug::hug:

 

[littleoc]

I feel terrible but excited because my mom helped me get a gaming system that I've wanted since 2006! We split costs so I paid about 70$, and my mom paid 100+ish, so I could have games, a TV screen, and a console!

I feel guilty because we made several purchases afterward as well. I wanted stuffed animals, and my mom bought them FOR me.

I am not sure why I feel so guilty about it, but I really do appreciate it.

It has made sitting in my actual home -- the hoarded one -- feel a little easier tonight.



Things I still need money for:

• $4000+, up front, for Invisiline braces (why can't they accept a payment plan?)
• $7000ish for next service dog
• $$$ for a new car
• Less than $20 for replacement rear bike brakes, and also maybe $70 for dog trailer
• Food money

I am thousands of dollars in debt in student loans but am not currently worried about this. If I have a job? I should be able to pay regularly and therefore make my credit score look nice. That's the hope, anyway.

I have a job this summer. I must begin looking for other jobs.

Meanwhile I am debating going to that grad school for writing. Do I need to spend ~$30,000 for the highest possible degree in writing? Would it help me?

I want to write professionally. Is there any other way?

They could help me in my professional field (biology, specifically microbiology) AND they are interested in the fiction I write. Apparently the world I live in IS fascinating. But if Brandi was impressed by it.... maybe an impressed abuser is a good sign :P

It would be worth a shot.

Maybe. My university advisor might have thoughts, and the creative writing instructor (who is an author of some very fascinating short stories I actually had read before meeting him -- and I've met his friend, also a known author, lol). Science writers are always wanted.

I've always thought that if I didn't go straight back into being a scientist, I would be happy working in a library as a research helper -- which is basically what I'm doing this summer. My boss told me that biology-science-specific libraries are a thing and maybe I should combine my interests and think it over :)

It's something to think about, for sure.

Being a scientist is all about failure. Everything goes wrong. If it doesn't? It's suspicious. I am slow and careful in every experiment, always collecting thoughts from collegues and examining every unexpected result as if I were the guy who accidentally discovered penicillin or the universe's background radiation and the Big Bang -- all failures can be used to learn and discover. I research so diligently that I forget to eat, and my papers are packed with fact after fact.

Once in middle school, I was chosen for a county award, "Failure leads to success." It was unfair, because I was not a failure. I was traumatized.

But, I saw what they meant. I had been kidnapped, and so I did no homework. My mother was dying and I was hopeless. I knew I'd be dead. Probably by cookie dough, for all I knew.

But by the end of the year I had begun to do work suddenly, because I didn't want to die a failure. That was when Bush was president, and I was nominated for the President's Education Award for most striking inprovement. I got it. I still have his letter (which was the award) and his signature. I haven't forgotten that day.

But it wasn't failure. And by the time I was in high school, the yearbook club (all students) were asking me to pose for a student-voted award, something about "most philosophical"? But they had me posing with a microscope.

The only thing about being a scientist is that, in the past, I've been very, very weird about experiements involving life "above" the bacteria-level.

I did an experiment on potatoes and discovered they do literally respond to being sliced and chopped.

The other day I cut into an onion to dice it. And there was a leaf developing in this root. I realized it had been trying to survive.

I broke down completely and felt ridiculous. I bought a pot and planted the guy...

This is weird because when I worked on the farm, the harvesting would bother me slightly but I just reminded myself that humans must eat, even if taking the root kills. We don't have a choice. We have to eat to live.

The pigs, cows, chickens, and goats all loved me. I treated them in similar ways as I treated humans. They began getting excited when they saw me.

The quarantined horses (the only time I usually had them in our pastures) highly appreciated my quiet company.

The nematodes in the lab? They couldn't comprehend me. Literally, i was too big. Once a piece of fabric -- the tiny thin kind you sometimes find tickling your eyelashes -- fell under my microscope from my face. It was so big compared to the nematodes that they literally didn't notice that it fell into their Petri dish.

When I examined all 87 of them individually for the mutations I was inducing, I would pick them up on a platinum pick using their food (E. coli bacteria), and then mark their phenotype (and inferred genome) onto my notes.

But then I had to burn them. Quick death by a cool fire (alcohol fire). One by one.

I know this is absolutely ridiculous, but it was so hard. I apologized to each and every one of them despite them being literally unable to process my presence.

Later, while researching info on my results and where these genes were on chromosomes (I was mapping their genome, determining how far genes were on chromosomes using basic math -- it's way easier than it sounds!) I ran into an article that referred to my species of nematodes as "1mm sized humans" because they had human genes.... and even look like us when humans are embryos.

I was in tears. Literally cried over 87 worms. It still feels really serious to me and I wish I could understand why. Is it PTSD related? Probably? Am I insane?

Needless to say, when my friend wanted to discuss abortion with me that evening, I had to refuse.

For some reason, me needing to go to a hospital is just making me feel intense guilt for those worms. And potatoes.

I have to eat to live. Humans do experiments to make the world a better place. Not my dad, though.

While I was studying cancer and Huntington's disease and proteins, what was my dad doing? What should I be preventing?

I let the pigs run outside their little mud hole because I know what it's like to be caged up. I let cows say goodbye to their best friends because I know what it's like to wish I could say goodbye.

I've been cut up and had skin removed. But while I sympathize with onions, they get defensive. They release toxins and try to taste terrible. They send out signals to the other onions, even to the f*cking potatoes, "Look out, up your defenses. Some animal is at it again, eating us up."

I haven't found anyone who is THIS over sensitive about life... but I'm trying to remind myself that I'm not evil. At least, I'm not trying to be. I care about the outcome.

I almost got into the special government vet business, for the CDC. They were requiring all monkeys to be euthanized after being infected with Ebola... even if the experimental treatments cured Ebola in the monkeys. It HAD to be done. If those monkeys spread Ebola to humans? I know what Ebola does. It's horrific.

I am no longer looking into that field. It bothers me that some humans are "okay enough" to cause harm to things that are that close to being human. Rather similar critters.

I just keep seeing myself in similar situations, with some smart guy who is like my dad looking in, taking notes. Knowing I'll die, even if I get through the worst of it.

I've been told I have survivor's guilt but that doesn't seem to cover it. I have been "diagnosed" as "too self aware" and "hyperempathetic." Apparently because I kept freaking out every time something bad happened, anywhere on Earth, especially to humans but not necessarily.

I still have nightmares about a very kind, shy, struggling young adult. He was hit by a truck while biking home to his mom, after getting some groceries. Cut him in half. He lived for twenty minutes, bleeding out while paramedics were a bit frozen. There was obviously no saving him. Really. He asked for the crowd to not tell his mother how he was dying. He asked one to send his groceries home to his village. He asked for a paramedic to feed him a cup of water.

I have nightmares of that every week or so, since I saw it... but I didn't see it in person, nor did I know him. He lived in a tiny village in India. My doctors told me it was because I am too empathetic. My brain, in scans, was acting like I was everyone else, but through "mirror neurons." I have yet to find any indication online that this is a real phenomenon, but at the very least it's very weird.

I hope to find out why these things are troubling me and maybe figure out if something PTSD-related is making it worse.

But in the meantime, I'll be considering school options based on *my* own thoughts on what my future should be like. :)

Also, I'm going to sleep because I have to be awake in like four hours. Hard to sleep with thoughts like that^. I feel absolutely ridiculous posting it but I really think it helps me to organize my thoughts. It's good go step back and realize that killing an onion isn't the same as killing a human. And I'm not at fault for my dad's literal insanity.

Also also, I hope I win the lottery! :P But at least I have a PS3 now. Games!!

Practice at not being "TOO empathetic"! These characters are literally not real. Lol

 

[littleoc]

I am having the strongest urge ever to delete that previous post.



But I can't figure out what about it is bothering me...? I've seriously posted worse by now... :p:rolleyes::unsure:

 

[littleoc]

Either I don't want people to know I'm too empathetic (but why?) or I don't want to remember the cuttings. Hm

 

[ILoveLife]

I would cry over 87 worms as well, it's not insane at all. :)

I'm a writer too, in my own language, I kinda suck in english. I didn't take a degree for it, I just read a lot and study on my own. I'm going back to the university for Social Sciences next fall :) Let the failure begin :D

 

[littleoc]

Let the failure begin :D

Lol, so true!

Oh, that's really cool, about your language! :D I know some Spanish, but not enough to be considered bilingual. I wish I was! Anyone who speaks more than one language is impressive to me. :)

And I'm glad someone else seems to understand.. I felt insane that day. Poor worms, though

 

[ILoveLife]

I speak a bit of a few languages, but I was raised in English, I just have a terrible accent. I scratch at the surface of French and Spanish, can read them but not speak them. :)

I do understand, I think it was brave of you to deal with that part of your life. I don't think I could do it without breaking in shambles.

 

[littleoc]

:hug:

 

[Freida]

I want to write professionally. Is there any other way?

Science writers are always wanted.

I'm not saying this to discourage or say a creative writing degree has no merit...but. There are many ways to write professionally without having a creative writing degree. I got my start writing magazine articles for Fire/Police and Dispatch magazines, then went on to write a book. A degree may make you a better writer, but you could also gain skills in the real world for a lot less money.

If you are able to translate "science speak" for us regular humans there is a huge need. They are called technical writers there is a huge need for them. Google it and take a look

Literally cried over 87 worms. It still feels really serious to me and I wish I could understand why. Is it PTSD related?

It makes total sense because you are very empathetic and everything is a living thing. I don't think that is a bad thing -- but can understand why the docs may be concerned. If you get to waylaid by your feelings of sorrow you end up not moving forward.
I grew up in a hunting/ranching family - and we always gave thanks to the animal that gave its life to save ours. Because that is what they are really doing. Without them we would not survive. So you honor the sacrifice they made for our survival

 

[littleoc]

Thank you for the advice!

I am carefully thinking it over.




Also -- @Freida and @LuckiLee were right in at least one way. Apparently I have told my doctor about the house being a disaster (it's weird that I don't remember that... she must be used to me behaving weirdly about things I tell her, though, because she started the conversation with a reminder of when I told her and sort of what I said, and implied I may have talked about it more than once -- but hey, at least I know for sure she knows... and I probably won't forget now). I bet if I look back in these messages I posted that I said that she knew because she told me she was diagnosing my allergies and that rung a bell. I've frequently found things that I've posted that I normally don't remember well, lol.

But anyway, doctor mentioned that the house is affecting me could be related to muscle tension and to increased infections. Because my immune system is constantly working, like anyone else's, but mine is in overdrive due to trauma stress and house stress, as well as allergens, and such.

Also when I was a suspected strep carrier (long story, it was painful and sucked -- my natural reflex was to punch the doctors and I know they're used to it and I'm not a hard hitter but it made me feel terrible anyway) i was on antibiotics for a LONG time -- so it's possible my inner biome is out of whack. Plus hormonal problems -- that's what led to the monthly yeast infections for a while, until I was back on hormone therapy (thank god).

But anyway, I just thought y'all would be happy to know that a doctor agreed with y'all :)

 

[littleoc]

I am nervous that I'm annoying the sorority. I'm pretty sure it's just insecurities creeping up -- but if not? I'll get over it some time

 

[Swift]

Glad your doc knows what's going on.
I'm lucky mine has a far better memory than I do!