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Colorful and hopefully optimistic but maybe hateful occasionally

Also! I was hoping I'd have a job by now. Instead I had some sort of... thing? and ended up buying a bunch of things on impulse. This place messes with me a lot.

Thinking about at least getting a nice full sized mattress though. But I'd rather way until I move out because dragging it through the house might leave me uncomfortable... but the twin is definitely too small for Nestle and I.

Oh well! I'll have to get work eventually. :D It's not impossible! Might apply for food stamps though.
 
It's not impossible!
No, it's not! You will find a job if you keep applying. Have you ever tried a temp service? You go in and tell them what you're looking for, they give you openings, and help you with the application and resume. You work as a temp for a period of time and then you get hired on if you do good work and the company is looking for permanent employees. Make sure to ask if the company is looking to actually hire and it's not just seasonal etc.
I don't want to sound harsh because I know you've hit a rough patch but is it the depression that makes you impulse buy? I'm wondering what would help you with that. Maybe everytime you want to spend money visualize you're own place, go for a walk, or even take a freezing shower. That last one is a little extreme but anything to shock you out of that depressive episode enough to where you don't spend.
Plus, it's a good skill to master because when you have your own place you won't be able to impulse buy as much or you're going to get overloaded financially really fast.
Everybody has hiccups so don't worry about it. You need your own place, a steady income, and health insurance so you can have consistent therapy and get meds if you need them. Plus, what if you have to go to the hospital? These are all very important to your well-being in the long term. You're worth having these options available to you and when you have a job you're too busy to focus on trauma.
It will be ok. f*ck Brandi. It's time to worry about you and not how she viewed you. That's her problem and has nothing to do with your own personal self-worth.
 
Keep trying - you WILL get a job!
Thank you!!

Have you ever tried a temp service?
No, I haven't :0 I'll look into that option!

I don't want to sound harsh
You don't!

is it the depression that makes you impulse buy? I'm wondering what would help you with that. Maybe everytime you want to spend money visualize you're own place, go for a walk, or even take a freezing shower. That last one is a little extreme but anything to shock you out of that depressive episode enough to where you don't spend.
Hm. I think so. I was impulse stealing but that's stopped (I hope) and I did it by using @somerandomguy's words. Which worked well! Except that I started to tell myself that it's okay because "I can afford it" but, uh, that wasn't a wise thing to tell myself, apparently!

I do remember a weird instance with a neurologist I was talking to. I was talking about how, after the TBI, I was getting emotional at inappropriate times. Like, crying during happy scenes in movies, and laughing at the existence of cups (still cracks me up, my sense of humor makes no sense :laugh: -- love things that exist in the wrong context), and crying and hugging my ex when she wrote a nice letter to my then one-year-old nephew when she hadn't even truly met him. lol. Anyway, the neurologist then asked me a bunch of follow up questions, and one of them was "have you been impulsively stealing things you can afford or buying things you don't need?" and I wish I'd said yes because I'm not sure what it means that the answer was "yes"? But I said no.

I think it's more environment related than brain-injury related though... Because now that it's been a bit since the last head injury, I seem to be able to read okay without my brain just quitting on me. So, I think the depressive thing must have messed with something. Not positive though.

I am thinking about turning off online purchases for my debit card though. I think that would help a lot.

It will be ok. f*ck Brandi. It's time to worry about you and not how she viewed you. That's her problem and has nothing to do with your own personal self-worth.
Thank you :hug: :hug: I needed that.
 
Two things:

(1) My twin bro and his questionable wife (who is finally agreeing to see a doctor for pregnancies, have found a way to move to Kansas. I'm actually not too upset about it, except for the fact that I'm positive that his wife is going to hurt their kids a lot. Very manipulative, thinks kids are evil, thinks people shouldn't be allowed to know about their own genitals... Very worried she'll straight up kill one with illnesses. She wants to home school, too. I smell trouble.

But honestly I'm way more worried about what my mom will say to me about it. I'm not sure why. Maybe I'm still tired of being emotional invested in things that aren't technically my business (until they have kids).

(2) My notifications are now only replies, no likes. I feel sooooo much better about it now. So much less to sort through!
 
Like, crying during happy scenes in movies, and laughing at the existence of cups (still cracks me up, my sense of humor makes no sense :laugh: -- love things that exist in the wrong context), and crying and hugging my ex when she wrote a nice letter to my then one-year-old nephew when she hadn't even truly met him. .
This is all really common in people with TBIs.... It's because the part of the brain that regulates emotion has been knocked off kilter. I didn't know about the stealing thing but it's ok to tell him the truth. It's kind of like if you break your arm and then knock something over because you are in a cast. Would you blame yourself? Of course not. You have an injury and it made you clumsy. Same with a TBI. You do stuff because that part of your brain is injured. It is what you have, not who you are.
 
I turned off the like notifications a long time ago. It instantly made things much more manageable.
Yes, so much better! 10 notifications instead of 3432432 is great. :D And it doesn't matter if people here like my comments anyway, does it? ;P

This is all really common in people with TBIs.... It's because the part of the brain that regulates emotion has been knocked off kilter. I didn't know about the stealing thing but it's ok to tell him the truth. It's kind of like if you break your arm and then knock something over because you are in a cast. Would you blame yourself? Of course not. You have an injury and it made you clumsy. Same with a TBI. You do stuff because that part of your brain is injured. It is what you have, not who you are.
I probably won't. The fact that I could eventually control the urge was good enough for me. I quit hoarding apple juice cups at the hospital so that was good enough. :laugh:

Seriously, though, I had looked it up at the time and found that it's a thing that people who already had problems dealt with, and people with dementia (which I imagine I'm not a part of that group of people at this point). I looked it up again, and apparently one patient recently got the issue from the brain injury, but the behavior of the man is a lot different from what I had. No gratification and no remorse, like he didn't even know it was wrong in any way.

And if it was just brain injury causing that, then it should get better as my brain heals. Because it's definitely healing. (I'll miss the super power of being young by the time I'm 67.) My vision got a bit worse (when I hit the frontal lobe it hurt the rear lobe) but I can read again without problems. Last time I had to have a robot read MyPTSD posts was more than a month ago. I still have to use filters on my phone at certain hours or else I'll get a headache, but that's not the worst. I still start crying and feeling sad without actually being sad when movies start, but I've gotten to the point where I can control it and not have to worry about other people reacting. I haven't had any strange episodes in movie theaters since 2017ish. So I'd say I'm healing!

It just frustrates me because I know it's wrong and I feel a lot of guilt about it. I'm not being a good person when I cause harm. But, now I've got it switched out with buying things and feeling the same sort of guilt. I'm not sure what it is exactly. But telling myself I can afford it was not the best way to go apparently. Because technically I can't afford it.

Also, I didn't mention this to my therapist today. We got to talking about what's making writing romance so hard, why I'm closed off to people who want to date, etc. Ended up talking about my mom again. It was an exhausting conversation. Maybe I'll mention it here later, the important bits I might want to explore further anyway.
 
In good news!!!!

I got a friend date with a local man scheduled!!! His name is Scottie. He and I were friends in high school because Brandi allowed it, but the moment he liked me more than Brandi, Brandi kind of pushed him away. Aaaaand now she's not around so I'll see how well Scottie and I get on now! :D I'll try not to spend more than $15. With a movie ticket and some cheap food (that won't make me sick) I think it'll work!
 

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