Combat pstd bf isolation behavior

[Omer]

Vodud here. Didn't quite finish my response.

So lack of resolution...hmmm...well in our case, yes, I get resolution in the sense that I find out what the hell happened and why there was a block or avoidance, but usually it's coming from a defensive place. However he does, little by little, explain the fears and uncertainty going on and then I am able to piece the reasoning together and come up with the full picture of the why.

But then it happens again and so there really has not been a resolution for us yet and I worry there never will be.

So in the past I would be so happy he's come back and we talk and we are excited to see each other. It's like the honeymoon phase over and over and we are having a hard time getting past it.

But each time we reconnect we move forward a bit more. So it's like one baby step forward and then two steps back. Over and over.

Sorry, went in a bit of a rant/vent here! This post got me worked up!:wtf:

 

[Gugaka]

Vodud,

I get it. I'm struggling with the possibility that my sufferer may never be capable of having the kind of relationship that is acceptable to me. Definitely this push/pull without any kind of accountability is not acceptable to me.

However, I do still see him as an adult who has an obligation to behave honorably toward a person he care(d) about and make amends in the form of a respectful conversation, as soon as he is mentally stable enough to do that. For himself, as well as for me.

Granted, I don't have PTSD, so maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but I don't buy it that he is forever incapable of doing that.

 

[Omer]

Gugaka I agree 100%. Absolutely should be able to do that. I Will say that for my guy, he does apologize and acknowledge there is an issue with this type of response. And he does feel shame or at least embarrassment and I'm sure he does not want to do it.

I hope you get some sort of resolution or peace from your situation. If he does not reach out to you, and also acknowledge something went wrong, then you know without a doubt he is not capable of a relationship at this point. That will hopefully offer you some peace of mind.

 

[Gugaka]

Vodud, I'm sorry that you're going through that. None of this is easy from the supporter standpoint, whether to hold onto hope or to make a tough decision for your own well-being in a situation like yours. Or having to deal with the lack of a respectful, adult ending to a relationship that isn't going to work. Collateral damage everywhere.

I have compassion for the struggle of those suffering from PTSD. I don't intend to diminish in any way the pain and struggle that they go through.

What I'm working on is just my own attitude toward his actions. When the blocking and the dating site activity first happened, I was focused on understanding the reasons for it, and this led to making excuses for his poor choice of coping strategies. I don't think low expectations help either one of us. I won't pity him, because I still want to respect him. I may never get to say that to him, but that's how I feel.

 

[Gugaka]

Voldud/Omer: Thanks for the words of support. If I was getting that acknowledgement from my guy, I would probably keep trying too, even though I understand it's slow and frustrating and difficult for you. It's good to see the reality that a better outcome is still not a perfect outcome. Obviously there are things you value in the relationship or you wouldn't be willing to work these things. I wish you the best.

 

[Omer]

Gugaka, you are very smart in realizing you are making excuses for the behavior. It took me a while to see that I was enabling and making excuses too.

There were a few times when my guy blocked me and then I saw him on dating sites. It hurt beyond belief. A real sucker punch! And I thought, you mean it is me?? You block me and now you are looking for someone else?

Then we would reconnect and is ask if he had been dating and he would tell me no. And I do believe him 100% based on other situations when he could have lied but didn't.

What I realized is that the dating sites were a sort of distraction for him. A stress free way to get some sort of attention or flirtatious however brief. And of course as most of us feel, after a while the dating sites are so tiresome, and sometimes downright painful!

Again, sounds like I'm making excuses, but it is actually what was going on. Again I know based on various conversations and things he has said.

All of that being said, I can in no way say this exact thing is what is happening in your situation, and I don't want to give anybfals hope if you are hoping for your relationship to resume. But it is one possibility.

 

[Omer]

Oh and thank you for your words of encouragement to me. There is a lot i value in him, so it is hard to make the decision to move on or to keep at it. I am seriously taking my time with this and not jumping into anything right now with him. I don't have the energy right now to even think about it to be honest. I suspect I will keep at it since info respect him even if I do feel very badly for him.

 

[Rifam]

I can also speak on my ex-sufferer has left for a period of a couple of days and returned to me ready to move on. This time he left, right before Thanksgiving, and it’s been no contact, no communication. He emailed me the results of a test he took recently (he passed) a few days ago. I emailed him last night to ask for us to repair our friendship. I haven’t heard anything as of yet.

 

[Igaj]

Read the PTSD stress cup. It's very informative.
Good stress is still stress. A relationship is stress.

 

[Ece]

Hi guys, kind of in the same boat. Was anything resolved? Anything new happen?
I may need a bit of guidance myself. My army Vet is pushing me away, with a push and pull dynamic and i feel like im the one to blame.

 

[Omer]

Funny, I was just talking myself out of feeling like I'm to blame when this message popped up. I don't know what your whole situation is, Ece, but the thing is, we are human in an emotional relationship and we are bound to make mistakes along the way.

In my situation, I am blocked once again from a very minor miscommunication. Something that, were it to have happened with anyone else in my life it would have been over and resolved in a couple of minutes, if that. Did I say the exact perfect thing? No. I have been blocked in rapid succession over the past few months. I feel like things are reaching a boiling point or something with us.

For me, when I am blocked, it feels like I am being blamed for something. Like I have done something so wrong i need to be shut down and out completely. So it's hard not to feel blame. I have to constantly remind myself of all of the facts.

Sorry, I am rambling a little. It's very hard on me right now with the holidays and all. I'm Omer I'm case that same name doesn't pop up.

 

[Vite]

Omer, Not quite sure why my name says Ece - i'll attach my link to my thread - maybe you can provide some insight?

I completely agree, maybe me writing so randomly on here was a message for you. I dont think you should blame yourself, although i too struggle with that. I keep thinking well if this is happening, it must be my fault. I must have done something to cause this but in reality, i did nothing. Its something within them, you know? The holidays were tough on me too. I'm 100% here for you.

Supporter - What am i supposed to do - combat vet broke up but everything still the same except living together.