Relationship Combat Ptsd And Our Marriage

[alli86]

I met my husband about 4 months after he returned from deployment. A rough deployment is an understatement. He lost his best friend and was also blown up a few times himself resulting in him being deemed non deployable. Which is when the depression started. The emotional numbness, isolation and of course lack of intimacy started. It was devastating to me because I knew nothing about PTSD but I tried to find out all that I could. He hid a lot very well by isolating and playing video games ALL the time. His shoulder injuries became a problem. He was on restricted duty for a LONG time. While at NTC he found a fellow white cell soldier who spoke all the right things to him and promised that her grass was greener apparently. Well not only did he risk his marriage but he risked his job by sneaking around with her and claiming " you were unhappy anyway". He was destructive to our marriage and family, his job and he did not care about anything but getting what he wanted. Marriage counseling and some time made him realize that he was truly suffering from his PTSD, TBI and depression. Marriage counselor explained his "episode" was typical of PTSD sufferers and eventually the whole situation blew over. He knew he wanted me and wanted us. Eventually he was medically discharged from the Army and the waves of destruction keep happening. He makes bad choices of talking to exes and lying to me about it. I had a time not too long ago where I was in his position and I became numb and I wanted out. I was disgusted by him and what he had done to me. Although he had only physically cheated(no sex) on me that one time the lying and the bad choices of talking to exes drove me away to a place I cant even explain. I wanted nothing to do with him. Then it was like one day I woke up and had the realization that no way...I wanted my husband. I wanted to fight through this shit. I refuse to let PTSD win. So he continued getting help but ended up moving...again before he was able to get into good therapy/help. Now we are in a much more stable place and he started a new job. Things were going great, so I thought. I was actually happy and so was he...so I thought. A random girl who "was going through the same things as me" popped up and he lied to me at first til I proved it was a girl and it was shady. She popped up unbeknownst to me right before a fireworks mishap where my husband I were surprised by a fireworks show downtown at a christmas show. He went into complete shutdown there and afterwards he wanted everyone to leave him alone. He said he was just in a mood so I let him be until he wanted to talk a couple days later and began to tell me that he doesnt know what happened to wake him up but hes convinced that were unhappy that we have been for a long time and that we would be better off separated. He said he feels confused about how he feels. He said all he knows is how he feels right now and thats that I deserve better and to be happy and to not go through these cycles where things keep happening, that he feels like hes been unhappy for a long time(i REALLY dont believe hes been unhappy with us) and that since nothing has changed yet then maybe they never will. He keeps talking about being confused and I say it all sounds VERY familiar to when he cheated and this is when I did find out about the girl he was currently talking to. He lied a few times and said who he was talking to had nothing to do with how he felt about us and that weve been bad for a long time. I found out who she was and confronted him and he has stopped talking to her since and still claims she had nothing to do with how he feels but he thinks that it would be better if we separated because this keeps happening. Problem is that I don even feel like im talking to my husband. One week ago he would never say these things to me. We were even talking about having another baby! Now he wants divorce? I dont understand. He said at first that he wasnt ready for help but now he is wanting to find help and someone to talk to. Hes done so much damage by the lies and things hes said about us but yet he acts like everything is normal on the outside but as soon as he talks about his feelings theyre so dark and mean...and cold. He said he feels numb again. He can sit and watch me fall apart crying and know hes supposed to be soothing me but not doing it so he says i deserve better. I just dont know if this is a ptsd episode or what?? Im not giving up on him and ive told him this but he keeps pushing for space and time.

 

[EveHarrington]

What you say:

"I'm not giving up on you!"

What he hears:

"There are no consequences for my actions. I can do whatever I want and she's not going anywhere."

This is why boundaries are KEY!

 

[Alli86]

So in response to you I ask what are the consequences? Like how do I "punish" him for his bad decisions?

 

[Newtoptsd]

So in response to you I ask what are the consequences? Like how do I "punish" him for his bad decisions?

Hey There,

I may not be the best person to give you any advice seen as though I am neither married nor currently in a relationship with a combat vet (He split with me last week) however, your husband really needs help. Is he in therapy or on medication? First and foremost he needs to get himself a therapist or a support group, life is not going to get any better until he talks to someone who knows and can explain the feelings he's feeling and how to manage situations and triggers. I know you mentioned marriage counselling but he needs some one on one time.

Until he gets himself some help, and even when he is back on an even level he should still seek some regular help can you begin to build your relationship back up. Have you had a look at the PTSD stress cup theory? It's a very simple theory but one which helps to understand why they sometimes can't cope. Because you're married and committed this whole situation seems like the worst thing that could be happening to you right now, please make sure you're taking care of yourself - I really mean this, eat healthy, stay healthy and make sure you're doing things to make you happy in the meantime. You cannot support everyone if you're not looking after number 1.

One thing I will say .... If he is pushing for space and time you HAVE to give him it. He needs this to get himself better, to be alone with his thoughts, worries and problems. If you've said you will be there for him and wait it out then what you have to do now is just give him the time to work on him. No one knows how long this will take or whether he will come out the other side but it's the greatest gift you could give him. When he says you deserve someone better - this is the voice of someone who really does love and care for you. He doesn't want to hurt you, he knows what he's saying and doing is hurting you so he's trying to spare you further heartache. My vet did this to me on so many occasions, told me I should date someone who deserves me, someone better than him, someone who's not mentally ill ... I reassured him to no end but the time came when he needed the space to work on himself and that's where I'm currently at.

Honestly you need to undertake the patience of a saint, give him as much space and time as he needs and hopefully he can work on getting himself back on track so he can manage triggers better in the future!

Sending you some virtual hugs!!

 

[Sunshinekaz]

Punish him ? ? ? Really .
Your situation is horrible and i hope you work things out regardless of the out come

 

[alli86]

Thank You! I know that what I need is to give him time which is hard to do when were living in the same house but I feel like now that I know all the "truths" I can actually give him that now. He is not seeing anyone or on any meds and actually I didnt think about it because weve moved and I believe hes been off any meds for the past 6 months or so now. While in FL he was receiving the best care hes had with the VA and his Dr really wanted to try everything til he found what worked for my husband. Unfortunately we have since moved and now were in KY and hes having to start over here. Hes expressed wanting to talk to someone now so I hope he actually does it. Im very confused by his words of saying things between us have been so bad for so long when in fact they really havent. Do they say these things out of where their feelings are RIGHT NOW?

 

[alli86]

Punish him ? ? ? Really .
Your situation is horrible and i hope you work things out regardless of...

Im trying to understand what the first commenter was trying to say by he has no consequences for his actions. What are consequences that I can give? I feel like if I push him away he pushes just as hard and I sure as hell dont want him to just leave or to hate me.

 

[Justmehere]

I am so sorry you are going through this.

Let's first be clear that while someone with PTSD can act out by cheating on a wife, cheating itself isn't a symptom of PTSD and is not excused by having a diagnosis of PTSD. Most PTSD sufferers don't cheat on their partners and frankly, as a PTSD sufferer, it's painful whenever I see someone excuse just a--holish behavior because of PTSD. Having PTSD does not make one a jerk, cheating does make one a jerk.

I'm so sorry he has done this, and it makes a lot of sense you don't trust him anymore. Of course not. A natural consequence of his behavior.

It's absolutely not your fault what he is doing and it's imprjtabt to recognize you can't change him.

You may not be giving up and that's quite courageous --- and, at the same time, I think it's important to recognize that this self sacrifice of your needs in the relationship isn't working to help him change or for he relationship to heal. If it would work, it would have worked by now.

He has given up on the relationship again and again. What he is doing (and how you are responding) is "working" well enough for him to avoid the real fear of getting help for the pain of the past.

@EveHarrington is right - when he cheats, he knows he won't lose much, and won't feel enough loss and pain to motivate him to face the greater pain he is running from. He creates chaos with you to escape his pain. Saying to someone cheating on you that you are not giving up on them is almost inadvertently rewarding him for his avoidance of help. It's not at all what you intend, but it is what is happening.

Frankly, he knows he is hurting you - he says you deserve someone better.

Boundaries are very important for a PTSD sufferer who is acting out. I'm saying this as a PTSD sufferer. People who can't keep boundaries that are healthy for them with me are harder to be in relationship with than people who do keep steady clear boundaries. They are key!

Boundaries (or consequences for a behavior in a relationship) are NOT at all about punishing the other person. In fact, it's very concerning you believe setting boundaries is a way to punish another person when no one was mentioning that at all.

Saying "no" or "stop" or setting a limit in your life about what is and isn't ok with you is not a punishment towards another person. I'm sorry if anyone in your life has given you the message that a boundary is that.

Boundaries are about one's own limits of what they will and will not allow into our lives. They are about controlling ourselves and they are not about changing, controlling, or punishing other people. As soon as it becomes any of those things, it's not a boundary anymore but something very different.

Right now you are trying to co-dependently trying to fix someone who is not ready to fix themselves - and part of why he is not ready is because what he is doing is working just well enough for him.

Since he is giving excuses, like a move, to not get his but into treatment yesterday... no reason to continue to focus on trying to get him there right now.

I'd suggest seeking counseling for you. Not because you are broken or anything is wrong with you but because this is seriously difficult stuff to navigate and a counselor could help tremdously to find a way through this very difficult time.

If you stay (if that is even an option) to keep him from leaving you or hating you - he will leave (he is already) and likely hate you for it. If you learn to be your own person more and not quite so enmeshed and boundaryless with his behavior, you have a higher chance for future healthy relationship with him
and/or others.

 

[Newtoptsd]

@alli86

He must be struggling as he has gone from a higher level of care to a lower level and no medication. This really is something he needs to re-focus back on and only he can do it!

In terms of what he's saying, this is a tough one for me because my combat vet just last week told me he never wants a relationship, can never have one and will never have one ... yet this weekend he came round when he fell back onto the alcohol and I held his hand, soothed him, did breathing exercises when he was having a few anxiety attacks and we were affectionate and intimate. These actions are not the actions of a man who does not want to enter into a relationship or the actions of a man who said he refuses to get close to anyone .... yet I have to take what he says as bible for now for my own sanity.

In your case ... Take on board what he is saying but also know that it is so very common for sufferers of PTSD to push away the ones nearest and dearest for fear of hurting them further. I can't tell you to move on nor can I tell you to hang in there and he doesn't mean it because right now he very does much mean it and he will continue to mean what he says until he gets some support so the fog that is PTSD can lift.

You need to have a lot of patience moving forward because this road to recovery (i say that as I pray and hope he gets himself back onto that road) will be a hellishly long one. Make sure you are prepared to ride this out and please please please look after yourself x

 

[alli86]

Ok this all makes complete sense. I don't think boundaries are a punishment but I guess I'm at a loss for what to do when he crosses and boundary. I have demanded he go talk to someone. Anyone at this point bc I know that whoever he goes to right now will tell him it's time to get help like he was before. I also can't kick him out because he lied to me.

He did not cheat on me but the one time in Hawaii 4 years ago. That's when we saw marriage counseling and he started his ptsd help. Since then he does not cheat but rather he seeks conversation from the wrong people and knows it's wrong but does it anyway and lies to me about it. Idk how to set a boundary for that. It shouldn't be done. There's no need for it. It's damaging to me and to our relationship.

I have demanded he go get help now. But I'm giving him a couple days to himself to stop and think about it all but when I get back home in two days he will go get help or he will be finding himself a new place to sleep at night. He knows that.

Whether or not he is taking me seriously I'm not sure but the last time I set my boundary and he crossed it and I flipped out and made him leave he freaked out and claimed he was cured and he sees it all clearly now and wants to be that better man for me and for our daughter. He was the one begging and crying I'd stay and I made him sweat that out for a month the before I let him come back.

Problem now is he has nowhere to go this time as we are only near my family and right now he's the only one working so money can not afford to get him a hotel or another pakce to live. I'm at a loss for that right now. I have an appt with a therapist on Thursday for myself.

I need help to put my next steps in place. And to get my strength back.