Relationship Combat Ptsd Sufferer Wants Another Chance.

[StrongHeart]

As I posted in another thread, my Sufferer had a terrible episode last Saturday. He is a combat vet with cptsd and tbi. He worked a 70 hour work week, averaging 4 hours of sleep every night, and my work has been extremely stressful as well lately. We had been arguing for 3 days, just bickering. He came over Saturday and fell asleep. When he woke up, we had another argument that turned ugly. The police weren't called, but I threatened, and a neighbor got involved. My kids, thankfully, were not home. I called a VA counselor for him when he threatened suicide. Since then, he is very apologetic, has checked himself into the VA hospital for a few days, and vows to get help, to change so we can have a chance. I don't want this, and I've told him so. Though I miss him, I don't think I will be able to get his face out of my memory, shouting horrible things at me. I also don't think I trust that he'll change.

We had a wonderful time the past 8 months that we've been dating and we have much in common. I do miss him and cared deeply for him. I don't think I can get past this, though. Have any of you had similar experiences?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I noticed you posted something similar in the supporters section. This is the sufferers section- Are you looking for our opinions?

 

[StrongHeart]

I'm sorry, I didn't realize I posted in the sufferers section. I'm sorry, I thought it was just in the general relationship section. I would love the opinions of sufferers, but I can move it.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

You can, of course ask the sufferers, nothing wrong or to to be sorry for. If you would prefer the supporters, let me know and I will move it.

 

[StrongHeart]

Maybe the supporters would have more tips and opinions for me. Can you add "combat ptsd" to Sufferer so it's more specific?

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Both requests done. :D

Best wishes. :)

 

[Barberian]

[Sufferer]

Many men feel the need to be the best "provider" they can be. This is amplified by many who have served in the military. It is not uncommon to sacrifice time with family and enjoyable parts of life to get ahead, only to look back many years later and wonder why. They didn't get to enjoy life or anything it had to offer. The loved ones don't even know them because they were never home. The question one must ask is "when is enough, enough"?

In my life experience I've been to many countries. I've seen it in every country. What it is I'm referring to is the "material possessions and lifestyle" trap. I've seen people in abject poverty who where very happy with what they had and their friends and family. I've seen people who "had it all" who were very miserable.

You say he works 70 hours a week with 4 hours of sleep a night. That would be overwhelming for an average person, but for someone with PTSD and TBI, IMHO is just ridiculous and asking for not only trouble, but a disaster. IMO he needs to work one job that doesn't stress him out that much, get a good nights rest EVERY night. Dial it back some, don't try to have the best car, the newest/best home electronics, the best house, in the best neighborhood. What good will it be when his head explodes and he can't do anything ever again? All of it will be lost, but the worst part is HE will be lost. He needs to take care of himself and his conditions or he won't be able to help or care for anybody else.

Please refer to https://www.myptsd.com/threads/the-ptsd-cup-explanation.13737/ (which I referred to in another post just a day or two ago). Lack of proper sleep is a bad stress multiplier. It's like synergy, it's not 2 + 2 = 4, it's like 2 + 2 = 10. He is filling his cup with bad stress, and not resting properly to de-stress.

If he cuts down on his stressors, he might just return to close to normal.

Just my 2 copper on the subject, ignore if you feel I'm wrong which is a very good possibility. I know very little of your circumstances.

 

[StrongHeart]

Thank you, Ayesha.

 

[Badger]

That sounds pretty scary. It makes your house feel unsafe. He needs to agree to leave immediately whenever you ask him to.

 

[StrongHeart]

Barberian, thank you. I agree 100% with everything you wrote. The 70 hours are in one job, unfortunately, and they are short-handed right now, and the 4 hours a sleep a night are due to his insomnia and anxiety. Someone mentioned in another thread that there's a type of anxiety that prevents sleep, that feeds on itself, and I'm sure if he doesn't have that, it mimics it. We don't live together, we are dating, and I totally agree that it's like he is multiplying his stress, not adding to it. Ugh. I wish there was more I could do, but now I'm dealing with the fallout of the whole episode from last Saturday, and hesitant to even be around him for fear of another episode. In his defense, he is now in a treatment program for anger and ptsd management through the VA, and he is determined to get to normal. In the meantime, i explained to him that there is now a big blanket over the relationship.

 

[StrongHeart]

Yes, Badger, I agree. If I agree to go out with him again, I'm thinking we'll need to set some firm boundaries. Or he can move on. It's going to take me a long time to trust him again. Since this is the Sufferer's side, do firm boundaries help, or does it just feed the anxiety?

 

[Badger]

I leave my sufferers house any time he asks just because its his space and he's an abuse victim. I tell him that he needs to be treated with respect, and he should have boundaries, and I support his boundaries. We dont yell at each other, though. Sometime he just gets triggered and then he needs me to go right away...

Maybe you could have the same boundaries for your vet that Winter has for me at his place...He politely leaves the instant you ask him to. You agree to give him a polite quick one sentence reason ( which he can't argue with) and he politely leaves. Before the blowout.

All you should have to say is "I need you to leave now because this is making me feel bad/ wierd /unsafe whatever and he should go.