Combat vet boyfriend left me

[gonegonegone]

Hi,
My story is convoluted so I will try not to get too much into unnecessary details. But, a few weeks ago, my combat vet boyfriend left me after I tried to get him interested in therapy again. He broke up with me a few times in the preceding weeks, but the break ups only lasted a few hours. During one of these incidents, I asked him if he really wanted to break up, and he said that his PTSD really really wanted him to say yes but he didn't. A few months ago a few events happened that brought up old stuff and retraumatized him, and since then he has been triggered more often than not. He has recently started dissociating (more? maybe for the first time besides during trauma?).

So fast forward. A caveat is that I have OCD, which he is aware of, and he is aware that sometimes it causes me to do things I don't want to do. After he left initially, my OCD became unmanageable and I did not do a very good job of giving him space to cool off. So he was angry, saying he hated me and calling me crazy an entire weekend, and I didn't really think he was in a mental state to commit to big decisions like breaking up. But then after the weekend he managed to send me a self-deprecating message about how a part of him still loves me but he's just not good enough for me. It wasn't angry and it made my OCD shut up for a bit so I did well with giving him space. So I didn't message him for ten days, and then I messaged him saying I hoped he was okay. He didn't respond (which the OCD did not like at all) so I sent him a selfie to hopefully get other parts of his brain back online. He replied then and said he was okay and ended it with a heart. I left him alone again for five days and then I did a bad thing where I got angry and convinced him to let me call him to talk for a few minutes.

The phone call helped my OCD calm down but left me more confused. He said he still loved me, and acted like the breakup was for a completely different reason than it was. He was able to see how hurt I was that he left. He also didn't remember the name calling/saying he hated me, but he said that he said it to push me away. He said he just wants to be alone, away from the world for a bit. And that he loves me and that I need to find someone better than him that isn't broken. He said he has no future and our relationship has no future because of him.

So: I love this man so much. He told me before, before being retraumatized I think, that if he ever tries to break up with me to not let him. This was in the context of sometimes the OCD makes me think I need to break up with him, and he said he would never let that happen, blah blah blah. Basically lovey-dovey stuff that may have been exaggerated, but... I thought we accepted each other, when we were both lucid, for the insane people that we are, and for the stupid stuff our respective mental health issues causes us to do or not do. I'm not going to lie and say it has been all sunshine and roses. It's not easy to be with someone with OCD. Which is why I am trying to be patient and understanding. Because everything that I have described sounds textbook PTSD to me, and I want my boyfriend to be the one to end the relationship and not his PTSD.

Considering he is very symptomatic, are the chances pretty good some day he will come back to me, when he finds his way out of this episode? I feel that way but I might just be in denial.

How can I balance reaching out to him to make sure he knows I'm not mad at him (I am def mad at the situation sometimes though), and respecting his need for space? I'm worried he will be too ashamed to come back to me on his own once he is feeling better.

 

[Sweetpea76]

How can I balance reaching out to him to make sure he knows I'm not mad at him (I am def mad at the situation sometimes though), and respecting his need for space? I'm worried he will be too ashamed to come back to me on his own once he is feeling better.

You'll never be able to say or do the magic thing to manage this.

Boundaries and trust are huge for PTSD sufferers. If he told you he needed space before and you didn't respect that, perhaps now is the time to do so.

 

[EveHarrington]

It's like this.

You're reaching out to him is not for his benefit, it's for yours.

Essentially you're sabotaging the possibility of getting together by insisting that you stay in contact with him so that he knows you're there for him. Believe me, he knows. By staying in regular contact when he just wants space, you are proving to him that you're not trustworthy as you are willing to repeatedly cross explicitly stated boundaries.

You're no longer with him, so if you really care about him, leave him be and focus on managing your own OCD symptoms by yourself instead of seeking reassurance from him.

 

[Freida]

He said he just wants to be alone, away from the world for a bit. And that he loves me and that I need to find someone better than him that isn't broken. He said he has no future and our relationship has no future because of him.

This is a kind of isolation -- pushing everyone away and hoping they move on so you don't have to deal with their emotions and dramas and blah blah. I go there when I cant make my demons stop screaming and I need to get away from the real world

How can I balance reaching out to him to make sure he knows I'm not mad at him (I am def mad at the situation sometimes though), and respecting his need for space?

this is contradictory One one hand you want to respect his request for space now....but ONLY if you get a chance to talk just one more time. Now think about how that went the last time he asked for space. You got pissed at him, disregarded what he needed and forced him to talk to you. I'm not blaming you -- the ocd thing is just as big of a challenge as the ptsd thing -- but.

He asked for space and you got angry and invaded (yep - that's how a lot of us think of it)
Now he's asking for space again and ,... you are angry and want to talk just One. More. Time.
Which tells me that won't be the end. In my experience when someone tells me that it mean there will be lots of phone calls while I"m isolating - with promises that it will be "the last one till you come home." But it never is.

If reassurance that everything is ok is what you are looking for you will have a hard time getting those in a ptsd relationship. I don't mean to discourage you -- but. Relationships are tough at the best of times. Add a little ptsd and they get really complicated.

 

[gonegonegone]

Thank you everyone for your thoughtful replies. You are all right; right now me contacting him is just me seeking reassurance cuz OCD. It's starting again to reach the point where every minute of every day is spent fighting the urge to contact him. But I told him if he let me call him, I would never talk to him again. And my flavor of OCD also makes me feel like I can't go back on something I said. So I just have to let my "only tell the truth, always" compulsion win out over the "needing to contact him RIGHT NOW" compulsion.

The thing I am worried will push me over the edge is if I get angry again. Sometimes my OCD shows up as fight and anger, too. So I guess I gotta try harder to manage it. I can feel myself getting angry because I feel abandoned, betrayed, lied to. And if I'm angry or anxious enough it's going to be really hard for me to not contact him, even if I know he doesn't want me to, even if it ruins the chances of us getting back together, because I know that contacting him will make me feel better, and sometimes I will do anything to get rid of this anxiety.

And then the cycle will just repeat. This is really hard because unlike say trying not to wash my hands as much, this is an all or nothing compulsion. I can't just reduce the amount of time I spend texting him, or the amount of texts I send, I have to stop cold turkey. And that makes me feel angry at him too, that he put me in this position where I have to completely stop a compulsive behavior cold turkey. And that normally he would help me with my exposures if he was up to it and now he's not here and I have to do this all on my own.

It sucks. Any advice on dealing with the feelings that this is cosmically unjust, that he is allowed to isolate, do what the PTSD wants him to do, and I am not supposed to do what my mental illness is telling me I need to do or I'm ruining everything? Dealing with the abandonment? The feeling that this is all just a big misunderstanding? Sorry for ranting a bit. Trying to get my feelings out so I don't do something dumb, like text him.

 

[EveHarrington]

I can't just reduce the amount of time I spend texting him, or the amount of texts I send, I have to stop cold turkey. And that makes me feel angry at him too, that he put me in this position where I have to completely stop a compulsive behavior cold turkey. And that normally he would help me with my exposures if he was up to it and now he's not here and I have to do this all on my own.

I'm really concerned that you're heading down a road if codependency.

It's ok to get support from a partner but when it gets to the point where you are suffering because your partner isn't there to pull you out of it, things have gone too far.

I think it would be good if you refocused your efforts on helping yourself.

It's never your partners responsibility to pull you out of an episode. Never.

I get hugs when I'm stressed. I get supportive words of encouragement. My breathing goes wonky when I'm stressed and he notices and helps me with my breathing. (Benefits of dating a former EMT lol.) But other than that, he refers me back to therapy for anything that isn't "light".

I speak from experience when I say that codependency is a big relationship killer.

Do you have skills you can use on your own to calm down?

Are you on meds? (I highly encourage them for calming obsessive thoughts. Mine used to be pure hell.)

 

[Freida]

Any advice on dealing with the feelings that this is cosmically unjust, that he is allowed to isolate, do what the PTSD wants him to do, and I am not supposed to do what my mental illness is telling me I need to do or I'm ruining everything? Dealing with the abandonment? The feeling that this is all just a big misunderstanding? Sorry fo

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Being in a pstd relationship is tough for both halves so my suggestion would be to work with a therapist on how to combine your challenges with ocd with the drama that is ptsd. I'd also suggest learning about how it ptsd manifests in different people, what triggers are, what the stress cup is, anniversary dates and all the other fun filled stuff we are stuck with.

Being a sufferer I know I have to have people in my life that are ok with my isolation. I couldn't function with a partner that needed me to be there when they were having a bad day or to try to support them when I'm symptomatic. I think one thing you are missing is that ocd obsessive thoughts that run in your head are about things you need to do.... washing, counting, etc. PTSD obsessive thoughts revolve around actual memories -- things we lived through that almost killed us. I relive it over and over, in my thoughts during the day, in my nightmares at night. During an anniversary it gets so bad that I spend every ounce of energy I have trying to not start screaming. Sadly no one else matters in my world when I'm like that.

check this thread out -- It's one I started a while back. There is some amazing input from both sufferers and supporters on it that might answer some of your questions
What are they thinking

 

[Pippi427]

In the very same boat here. Just waiting on the breakup email. Which I was told is coming....(that's what he told my friend anyway...). It may never even come.