Combat Vets And Cheating.

[Lunada94]

I don't see where drinking/drugging is accepted?

In the end, drinking/drugging/cheating is all...

Meaning that we seem to understand why PTSD sufferers turn to drugs or alcohol or workaholic or gambling behaviors as unhealthy coping mechanisms. But if someone cheats as an unhealthy coping mechanism we call them an asshole for doing this. We don't label the drug addicts or alcoholics as assholes for coping in this way. We pity them, we urge them to get help, etc. But a cheater is labeled an asshole and lowlife and "how could you do that" unless the PTSD is from sexual abuse, then we seem to understand.

I am NOT excusing cheating as acceptable or healthy or any of those things. It is an emotionally devastating and cruel behavior. However, what is not coming through here is that the cheating is a coping method for killing the pain and putting up walls to intimacy due to the PTSD.

Everyone has a coping method, like Caligirl said. This is needs to be recognized as such instead of just told "you're an asshole". How does that help the sufferer get better and stop this behavior? They already feel like trash inside and labeling the person as trash only reinforces the behavior as correct in their mind. They need to be told they are valuable and too good for this kind of stuff. They need help just like a drug addict or workaholic.

 

[Sweetpea76]

It's about boundaries... Just because it's a coping mechanism, it doesn't mean that it's excusable.

A person with PTSD still makes the decision to cheat, use drugs, abuse their spouse, whatever. The PTSD may be causing the symptoms that drive them to want to act that way, but they still ultimately make the decision to act on it.

As a supporter, we need to set our boundaries and be firm about it. If we don't, we turn into doormats fast.

Unfortunately a lot of people try to use PTSD as an excuse to cheat. It's up to you if you want to buy it or not.

 

[anthony]

Agreed.

drugs or alcohol or workaholic or gambling

I think the problem though is that these listed here are not personal to the other person in the relationship, where cheating is intimately personal to them. Drugs, alcohol, workaholism, gambling, all impact and affect a partner, just not the same as cheating does.

I also think that whilst I agree that cheating can be a coping / defense mechanism for some in PTSD, it can also to easily be used as an excuse.

I guess if a person was an alcoholic, then had trauma, you wouldn't view their continued alcoholism as a trauma coping strategy, as it has been a lifetime coping strategy. I think that type of thing has to be looked at with cheating. Was the person a cheater before the relationship? Did they cheat with you? Where you the other person who they left their last relationship for? Those type of things, IMHO, create a clearer picture for assessment when viewing such things against PTSD coping strategies.

For some cases, it is a combination assessment against pre and present PTSD.

 

[Newmember]

This was an interesting thread for me.

I was the "other women".

I became a supporter. I can not speak for all cheaters and I have no clue if there is a connection between the two but I can say in my situation, maybe not the main reason he strayed was because PTSD but it was a very big factor.

He wanted to escape reality. He wanted to self harm. He had some sexual issues which were caused by PTSD. He wasn't diagnosed until way after the fact but his "coping" mechanisms were cheating.

It had nothing to do with his wife, or that I was better then her (clearly I'm not) it was "selfishness" and I don't know if that's the right word because I don't think he meant it to be selfish. A lot was going on and he was trying to find answers that he didn't even know he was looking for? It goes way deeper then that. There is so many contributing factors.

Anyone who knows him knows - cheating would be out of character for him.

 

[Rainbow]

Yes, adults are responsible for their actions, though that does not change that an underlying reason may be...

There is another facet not mentioned here, and that is that PTSD sufferers, period, feel a range of negative emotion towards current partners where those emotions are based on basically failing them, especially those where the relationship was pre-PTSD and then PTSD came along. One method is for them to cheat on their partner as a failsafe method to exit the relationship and no longer harbour the Guilt, remorse, that they have convinced themselves off, or may be quite realistic based on things the partner says to them (comparing pre and present relationship status), and provide them some relief that they're doing the right thing for their partners overall longevity by getting away from them.

This is what happened to me. My PTSD partner would have the numbing sex, cheap partners, no feelings, would send out messages to whoever was online and first one that answered was IT. It meant nothing physical or intimate or loving to him but it hurt me intensely. It was clearly guilt linked, clearly he felt not good enough for the relationship, as he often said I should find someone better. It is perhaps the most destructive behavior one can have, to himself, to his partner. It was devastating and finished the relationship, I know he is in counselling now ( hope he is still going) but no idea what is going on or if any improvement because we both have gone "no contact". I want to believe that one day he can see clearly and we can both revive the love but deep inside I know that can never happen, he has a tendency to place blame everywhere else and not take responsibility, and especially, to self destruct, damn everyone he hurts. That glimmer of hope is probably keeping me from leading the rest of my life and I'm trying to let it go, but I also know that in many ways it wasn't his fault, and that if he had had the right help and support the good man that hopefully still lives deep inside would have won this battle.

 

[questionsaboutrel]

I know that my combat-related PTSD partner has no tolerance for cheating. He has told me flat out that if he was really interested in someone else, his relationship is over with me, period. Even in our on/off times when we've been officially "not together" due to isolation or fights or what have you, he hasn't been with anyone else, which is one reason why I feel like our relationship is still important to him.

There are some things that I believe he struggles with directly as a result of the PTSD with me - for example, rage reactions where he says nasty things to me - but he's said fairly consistently that buddies of his from military/law-enforcement backgrounds who have had infidelity issues seems to have more to do with other parts of their personality/issues/the lifestyle than PTSD. He's suggested before that certain parts of military/law enforcement culture lend themselves to high instances of infidelity - like, for example, the strong culture of early marriage and pressure towards monogamy for service members in itself.

This is just my experience - I can see others in this thread can definitely tie cheating to PTSD symptoms.

 

[anthony]

I know that my Combat-related PTSD partner has no tolerance for cheating. He has told me flat out that if he was really interested in someone else, his relationship is over with me, period.

I am the same... and I'm not saying ALL veterans, I'm saying that combat veterans with PTSD are a high demographic for this behaviour. Not an ALL or NOTHING aspect, but a statistical majority fall into it with combat experience + PTSD.

I am exactly as you outlined... and have said the same thing to my wife. If I want out, I will tell her first then go stick my dick somewhere else.

 

[Stacia1985!]

My vet cheated. Not in a physical way. He cheated by talking and sexting.

He bottled everything up and it came out in that way. He was using it as a coping mechanism for years before we got together and couldn't stop on his own. He was self destructive and he knows it. He didn't use any excuses or blame ptsd. He owned his wrong doing. He immediately got into counseling.

He absolutely didn't feel worthy to be loved before we got together. He felt he was to broken. It doesn't make it right, it doesn't make it excusable, it is absolutely something I will not tolerate, he knows what is on the line and that I will not accept that behavior.

I also was raped as a teenager and I know for a fact, even though the reasoning doesn't make sense, that people can act out in sexual self destructive behaviors, that are completely out of character for that person.

I say if the person absolutely owns it, no excuses and makes the changes there is no reason to give them a second chance. Good people f*ck up sometimes. If they continue then say goodbye because they aren't willing to get better and it's not your job to save someone.