Comfortably Numb

[Cynsoul]

At times, (less often these days) while I do want to feel better I almost don't want to lose what I am, what I've carried all these years. There's comfort in my seclusion and my mind feels almost deeper and more intelligent when I'm down. Feels like a warm blanket on a cold day.
I realize that this feeling probably stems from the fact that these are the emotions I know the best, and I've used them for so long, but it's almost like losing a friend sometimes.

It's very difficult for me to describe this feeling. The best word that comes to mind is, cozy.

I'm sorry if you don't understand, if that's the case I'll try and explain in more detail.
If you do, fantastic! Have you felt this way? Is there anything that helps rid of the feeling?

- Cyn

 

[Spiderallis]

I know exactly what you mean. It's been an ongoing thing, if something feels strange and new it's probably good for me. At a certain point you'll have to choose between familiar things and new options. I had trouble stretching to reach for those new ideas until I accepted that familiar does not mean good, it just means what I'm used to and I don't want more of the same. I think it's one of those things that comes with healing, maybe after figuring out that one deserves better it's easier to reach for it.

 

[Whirlwind]

You put that so eloquently. I miss my disconnect days...I miss my strength back then. This may not be "good" but before I was so strong and I felt in control.

my mind feels almost deeper and more intelligent

wow. that struck me. I felt the same but my mind was almost hyperactive, predatory? but it was an intense part of me, it felt safe if not cozy.

I am so lost anymore without my old self...I hope what comes is growth but letting go of what i was frightens me.
Truth is if I could I would reclaim it and run away from all of "this" I would. In a heartbeat but I can't even find what I was anymore.

 

[Shellbell]

Exactly the same for me Whirlwind. My 20 years of 'disconnect' time seemed so much easier too. I miss that and would also get it back in a heartbeat if I could.

I may not have been completely normal, but at least I felt in control and stronger than I feel now.

Now, I have no control and starting to 'feel' the trauma is emotionally devastating.

I think this is familiar situation for many of us on here.

 

[Cynsoul]

Thank you all for your posts. It's always a relief to know there are others out there who can relate.
My opinion: that this comfort zone is created because the comfort zones we had on the outside were nothing more than a false sense of security, and when that was proven to us we crawled into the safest place we could find, ourselves.

Shell:

Now, I have no control and starting to 'feel' the trauma is emotionally devastating.

I think that's the reason our security blankets exists. At the time of the trauma, as well as during lives being turned upside down, I don't think most people are able to deal with the trauma feelings, so we keep them at bay until we can manage better.

The loss of control bit is the hardest, for me at least. If you think about it, in our shell we control everything that goes in, and vice versa. I don't think letting go is something that comes easy.
Before it was much needed and perhaps even kept us from falling further, but now as the healing process begins we find it to be hindering our improvement.

Spider:

familiar does not mean good, it just means what I'm used to.

I agree. I just hope there's a possibility to have a balance someday between new and old,
but that might be the blanket talking.

 

[Whirlwind]

My 20 years of 'disconnect' time seemed so much easier too....I may not have been completely normal, but at least I felt in control and stronger than I feel now.

It makes me feel better to know I am not the only one who is talking about decades of disconnect. I am still grappling with those years in that if this had to come to pass, I wish it had sooner. I made big decisions while in a fog and it is scary. I am ok with them but I fear a bit that something could slap me in the face in the future. Such as a choice I made....

I just hope there's a possibility to have a balance someday between new and old,
but that might be the blanket talking.

Pardon me for saying but the "blanket talking" is pretty cute way to put it, you made me laugh.

My T keeps trying to get it across that I am not 100% anything, this trauma, who I am is not defined by all of it. As in I may have a broken arm but that does not mean anything other than my arm is broken. I am still a good cook and my accomplishments are still real. I hear it but I am still trying to internalize it...the other stuff is just so overwhelming I suspect, my perspective is skewed.

that this comfort zone is created because the comfort zones we had on the outside were nothing more than a false sense of security, and when that was proven to us we crawled into the safest place we could find, ourselves

Nice, really well put again. I think you are absolutely right.

Now, I have no control and starting to 'feel' the trauma is emotionally devastating.

Yup. I have fewer moments of normal lately and the rest of the moments feels like my seams are splitting open and I could blow at any moment. There is no rhyme or reason yet to my triggers....I worry how much may be buried. Is it worse than I think, is there more??

Sigh. my gut answer would be yes unfortunately.

Ok, enough for now, its my cue for distraction time!! :)

Best everyone, thanks for talking. Whirlwind

 

[KatB]

This is highly relatable for me! Seclusion has felt more easier because it's something I am good at and feel comfortable with. You said it well, it's "cozy". It comes with the consequences, though- bouts of severe depression and dissocation. It brings feelings of discomfort and shame when others see my isolation, but if I were able to explain my reality, would they take me in? Lately, it's been horrible. The insomnia and severe depression makes me disconnect with ppl but yet, my brain and my emotions have a very difficult time connecting my past and memories.

 

[hopefloats]

I wonder at times if my husband hears me. I have stopped talking about my emotions and how this makes me feel. Does he understand or hear my cries... or is it easier to just run?

 

[Anna]

I have been feeling "comfortably numb" for nearly half a year now. It has made me strong. I can see things logically now and have more control over my life.

Sometimes I will have a day where I suddenly feel incredibly sad. I will spend time crying, then it stops like a storm that is over and suddenly the numbness kicks back in again. It it totally biazarre like running on autopilot.

 

[Cynsoul]

I wonder at times if my husband hears me. I have stopped talking about my emotions and how this makes me feel. Does he understand or hear my cries... or is it easier to just run?

Is he aware what you are going through? Perhaps he doesn't understand how difficult it is. You know as well as I do it's always easier to run. But that's also the easiest way to become disgusted with yourself and everything around you, in my opinion. I used to say my whole life was about running, but once you stop, it all crashes down in a tidal wave of guilt, depression, and alienation. Talk to him, have a sit down. I know it's difficult, but I'm sure he loves you and wants to help. Perhaps he just doesn't know how.

@ Anna: I feel that way too when I cut myself off from everything. I feel like I can actually be rational, but I think I'm only rational because I refuse to make the decisions and express the emotions that are too difficult and would require me to drop the shields. Break downs are common when you feel people cannot relate. Only my opinion and speaking only from my experiences.

 

[timid_flower]

Comfortably Numb is exactly how I feel today. I had a very bad yesterday. Today, I don't feel anything and I'm ok with it.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Cynsoul, I understand where you are coming from. For me, I developed a level of introversion because trying to fit in to the outside world seemed like it was a waste of time. I felt like people didn't care enough and it was better if I remained by myself. With this isolation comes pain. However, there is also a feeling that what you are doing is the right thing. It seems to me like regaining emotion is contrary to logic. That would mean that I would try to reconnect with a past that I felt was abandoning in the first place. However, with medication, I am able to feel better and change my perception of things. This is because I have a higher awareness. I think you have to feel things out and remember that what you are feeling may need room for improvement. However, remaining stable on your stance of where you want to be and what you want to do will keep you on track. Sometimes I think I'm trying to reconnect to something that is a waste. Other times, I think there is something inside of me that has to be dealt with and I will be ok.