Comfortably Numb

[Lady Vet]

There's comfort in my seclusion and my mind feels almost deeper and more intelligent when I'm down. Feels like a warm blanket on a cold day.

Dear Cynsoul: I, too, know exactly what you mean. I feel the same way. I can even remember attending a depression group years ago thinking to myself about the faciliator, "What's wrong with you that you can't understand that the depression isn't something to be gotten rid of, that it's a part of who I am?!" I didn't stay long in that group, not because I wanted to stay depressed, but because I wanted to learn how to live my life with peace and joy in spite of the depression. There was no part of me that was willing to hack off parts of my truth.

I still feel that way. Walt Whitman wrote somewhere that he contains multitudes. I don't recall the exact quote, but what he was saying was that he wasn't just a single entity, that he was defined by the culmination of ALL of the parts of his inner world, and this resonates with how I have come to understand my own self.

There is a part of me that is depressed. That's not a problem in and of itself. It becomes a problem when that part overtakes my life and silences all of the other parts that want to also dance and sing their truth.

So I absolutely understand how you feel. :) Blessings to you on this day.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I didn't stay long in that group, not because I wanted to stay depressed, but because I wanted to learn how to live my life with peace and joy in spite of the depression. There was no part of me that was willing to hack off parts of my truth.

There is a part of me that is depressed. That's not a problem in and of itself. It becomes a problem when that part overtakes my life and silences all of the other parts that want to also dance and sing their truth.

I can relate to what you are saying. I always feel like there is a pressure for me to get rid of this depression. You're right, it's a depression relating to certain aspects of life. I think society tries to instill the idea that having a depressed outlook is taboo. However, sometimes I wonder if there is any way to see something so real with a smile. I tend to see the average person trying to acquaint himself or herself similar to the movie Pleasantville. I don't know how I can do that. Sometimes I think my depression might be because I know more about something than the average person does and it's hard for many to relate. Being able to find our own balance seems to be the best way. It can be hard, however, when there are so many conflicting ideologies.

 

[Lady Vet]

Thinkingman...I enjoy reading your posts. You are clearly a deep thinker, and that is a lovely gift. Your pseudonym is right on. :)

Sometimes I think my depression might be because I know more about something than the average person does and it's hard for many to relate.

Yes, yes, yes! This program quotes backwards, but after you have read my other blurbs you will know that I absolutely agree with you on this one. And it IS a highler lever of intelligence, to see the world for what it is, rather than merely as we might wish it to be. :)

I tend to see the average person trying to acquaint himself or herself similar to the movie Pleasantville.

I absolutely love this film, but not because of its surface content; it's the depth of layers to this film that is so important. This film has such deep and important truths about life, levels of truth which I also believe many people can't even comprehend. Perhaps I'm jaded, but I experience most people walking around in black and white. Not me. I want to experience life in full-color, even if that means that my journey is sometimes painted with misunderstood and marginalized shades of paint like "dark depression" and "hot anxiety" or "numbzure"...lol.

I always feel like there is a pressure for me to get rid of this depression.

I absolutely agree, and not just about depression, but any "dark" emotion (including feeling numb). I think it's because it makes people who deny that part of their own truth uncomfortable. But it doesn't have to be that way. My very first therapist used to tell the story of an artist who facilitated art therapy workshops whose husband suffered with very debilitating depression. He would sometimes attend a workshop, but she would just put over in an isolated area and go on with the workshop, not catering to him at all. She accepted her husband exactly as he was, didn't try to fix him or make him feel better. I have always loved this story, because it's what "real" love means for me...when another person can see the dark truth and not be frightened away by it or compelled to change it. In my experience with the world at large, however, there are very few people who are capable of loving on this level.

 

[Thinkingman85]

Very philosophical response :). The challenge for me is to be open in the world with all it's colors (not just black and white). I think people with PTSD probably struggle with this realization. The story you spoke of does sound like true love.

 

[Lady Vet]

It's very difficult for me to describe this feeling.

CynSoul...I also wanted to say that I thought your description of the feeling as "Comfortably Numb" was perfect.

Plus...it's one of my most favorite Pink Flloyd songs. :happy:

 

[timid_flower]

She accepted her husband exactly as he was, didn't to fix him or make him feel better. I have always loved this story, because it's what "real" love means for me...when another person can see the dark truth and not be frightened away by it or compelled to change it. In my experience with the world at large, however, there are very few people who are capable of loving on this level.

What a beautiful story. Sadly, I struggle more with the idea of such unconditional love existing than I do with accepting dark emotions.

 

[Thinkingman85]

I personally think I'm only going to be able to have a stable relationship when the dark emotions don't dictate my life. I had a relationship for two years with PTSD and it was hard. I'm probably not thinking realistically, but accepting PTSD is just something I can't give into. I may have to though. It's been six years. If the pain persists, I hope there will be enough beauty in the pain.

 

[Lady Vet]

I'm probably not thinking realistically, but accepting PTSD is just something I can't give into.

I understand the feeling (how accepting the PTSD is something that you can't give into). I've been suffering with the PTSD for more than 27 years, but it was only diagnosed (finally!) about a year and a half ago. But for this past year, my trauma counselor has been telling me that this IS who I am (upon my insistence that it's NOT who I am), and that I need to just accept my life as it is. But there is no accepting what is unacceptable.

Then something miraculous did happen, and literally my relationship with PTSD changed in an instant. And in that instant when I could finally understand that my physical brain had micro-scars from the trauma event, and it was this micro-scarring that was actually causing the PTSD symptoms, not some deficiency in me or my ability to fix it. It was then (and only then) that I was able to accept the PTSD as the new normal for my life. And once I did that, I stopped fighting the PTSD and the panic attacks, which meant that I stopped fighting against myself. It didn't miraculously fix everything, but it changed my focus and redirected my energy.

No one could make me accept the unacceptable. And I had to fight against the PTSD for however long I needed to fight against it...as we all do. So keep fighting, Thinkingman...fight until that moment when you can feel a new truth for yourself emerge out of the brawl. :)

 

[Thinkingman85]

I feel similar about the micro scars. For six years, there's been a feeling that a part of me has been damaged. When I think about the time I was balanced I think I had a more solid belief system about the world. Then, as time went on, many beliefs were challenged like the level of caring in people and religion. Sometimes I think my new set of beliefs have weakened me because I see the world as darker. However, my approach right now is neurogenesis. As I continue the antidepressant, my mood elevates. Maybe my brain will heal properly if I continue. What I am striving for is the feeling of normality and belonging in the universe again as I once did six years ago.

 

[JustBe]

I was told the same thing. My brain is different now and I must learn how to move on and live the best life I now can have.

 

[Lady Vet]

my approach right now is neurogenesis. As I continue the antidepressant, my mood elevates. Maybe my brain will heal properly if I continue.

It can...and does. Neurogenesis is cutting edge stuff, mostly because the dominant scientific story about the brain and neurons is that they didn't regenerate. But SPECT scans and PET scans (and now the new MEG scans) all tell a different story. They show the damage to the brain, and they also show a more healed brain after treatment, but the healing is time intensive...no quick fix when we're dealing with the brain.

But what I would add, is that while it is absolutely correct to focus on the neurogenesis, there is still the implied truth that the brain itself was damaged, and that damage (even if on the micro level) still is asking for acceptance of what it is. I guess (for me) the acceptance piece wasn't about accepting that this was the way life was always going to be...just that it is what it is right now.

Blessings, Thinkingman.

 

[Lady Vet]

My brain is different now and I must learn how to move on and live the best life I now can have.

Movin'On...Yes, that is what we ultimitely do. It's not fair, but it's so true.

And the only thing (for me) to add is that there are many ways of moving on and living the best life possible. For some that means accepting that this will be as good as it's going to get, and that's ok. This is not something I'm willing to accept, yet. I say "yet" because I may one day have to made that concession, but until then I will do everything in my power to change my brain...to heal my brain...so that the best possible life improves, even if that is a slow progress.

And for what it's worth, from what I have personally experience in this Forum, the people who stay involved with this Forum are the ones who continue searching for something...anything...that might help them to improve their quality of life. So I have great respect for anyone who stays committed to their healing on that level. :)