News Coming Out - Debate

[SpokaneSunshine]

:inlove:Wow thanks for the support. :notworthy:

 

[anthony]

I think it is a case by case basis. Some people can deal with things and some can't. Some people have so much going on their own lives or have unresolved issues around all the topics mentioned in this thread that they can't, at this time, manage.

I have been very vocal and up front about my child sexual assault. I have organised exhibitions, being interviewed on radio and for newspapers numerous times.

I think you are more leaning towards advocating for something to be heard vs. basic information to people within your circle of life, ie. family and friends.

I am not talking about dumping everything that happened, or telling details even, but simply being open and honest that your circle of family and friends should have those who know you have PTSD, and a simple how you got it. I have PTSD and got it from military operations. That's it. That is what my family and friends know as a majority, which is the truth.

I don't tell them specifics... and even if someone asks, I don't normally talk about events unless I trust that person. The people I actually trust I can count on one hand, my father, my brother, my best mate and my wife. Though even Nicolette, she doesn't know most things in my past, nor needs to, things I have told others or they know. There are then others that I do trust to a degree, but those four if I ever needed them, they would be there for me regardless the state I was in.

Whilst mum is high on my trust list, she tends to tell others, being she needs to release information... so telling her anything I want secret, not a good option. So whilst she is trusted by me for my best interests, as are other siblings and close friends, experience from testing all concerned has dictated who I can trust from a 100% level, working downwards.

I do test people who are close to me... I may tell them something that is untrue, with the express consent they do not tell another, and if that information even comes back to me, then I know where it came from, as I never tell the same person the same thing twice when testing people for my own trust assessment. It has not failed me yet, and never shocked when something came back to me knowing human behaviour... allowing me to gauge were a person sits in my list on what I can and cannot tell them.

Advocacy though... whilst admirable, that is certainly not what I am referring to in relation with personal circles of trust. This site and my work is advocacy for PTSD... but that is vastly different from my point I'm trying to make.

I don't think I could honestly say that one person knows everything about my trauma. Not even my therapist... because when I went through therapy many years ago, even though I just gave in and dumped it all on her, the majority was what affected me at that time, not necessarily what affected me later from my past, that I dealt with myself as my therapy was brief overall, and I shifted into self help as a more effective and robust solution.

I am the opposite to be honest... if someone uses you as a dumping ground for all their misery, then I find that that person has valid reasons to run and cut communication from the person. It is true, a depressed person can make others around them depressed, dragging them downwards. A person who uses you as a dumping ground to try and feel better, outside of therapy, is doing just that... using you, without really acknowledging your health or boundaries. There are degree's of acceptable selfishness IMO... which is a requisite in life, yet also comes with a line that when crossed, is being used for negativity, not positivity.

 

[ms spock]

:inlove:Wow thanks for the support. :notworthy:

Well you really deserve support because those moments can really knock the wind out of your sail and it is hard enough to get there and to be with this woman. She was unprofessional in her manner towards you and your diagnosis - as you say she is not a clinician - she didn't respect the professional boundaries by doubting that you had PTSD - that isn't her call. And then trying to tell you black is white and white is black is just so exhausting. You have to live with PTSD and that is quite enough without unprofessional, inappropriate and unhelpful "alleged" assistance.

 

[ms spock]

I am not talking about dumping everything that happened, or telling details even, but simply being open and honest that your circle of family and friends should have those who know you have PTSD, and a simple how you got it. I have PTSD and got it from military operations. That's it. That is what my family and friends know as a majority, which is the truth.

I don't tell them specifics... and even if someone asks, I don't normally talk about events unless I trust that person. The people I actually trust I can count on one hand, my father, my brother, my best mate and my wife. Though even Nicolette, she doesn't know most things in my past, nor needs to, things I have told others or they know. There are then others that I do trust to a degree, but those four if I ever needed them, they would be there for me regardless the state I was in.

I do test people who are close to me... I may tell them something that is untrue, with the express consent they do not tell another, and if that information even comes back to me, then I know where it came from, as I never tell the same person the same thing twice when testing people for my own trust assessment. It has not failed me yet, and never shocked when something came back to me knowing human behaviour... allowing me to gauge were a person sits in my list on what I can and cannot tell them.

That is very clear and also very clever Anthony - I appreciate your clarifying what you were meaning. I did misunderstand. For me it is really hard, unlike you I have no family and my PTSD comes from abuse at their hands. I don't know how to be/have that with people due to the stigma of incest and child abuse.

I think your trust test is an awesome thing. Very clever indeed.

I am so glad that you have four trustworthy people in your life. I am struggling with this stuff at the moment.
ms spock

 

[Nicolette]

The people I actually trust I can count on one hand, my father, my brother, my best mate and my wife. Though even Nicolette, she doesn't know most things in my past, nor needs to, things I have told others or they know.

I appreciate and value the trust. But like I said before, and the same applies to Anthony, I don't need to know all the gory details if they don't affect me or the situation. But I do need to know what I am dealing with and why some things are as they are - and that has meant being given some military information (Combat PTSD) to try and understand Anthony's thinking as it is different from civilian.

 

[ms spock]

That is very interesting and eminently sensible.

I love reading the ways in which you both are managing things.

Thank you for being so kind,

ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Just out of curiosity....is it just me or has anyone else questioned the legitimacy of 'normal' anyway...I know the old saying of 'normal according to who?'....but really?....cause the way I see it, going by statistics 1 in every 3 women have experienced sexual abuse/assault and 1 in 5 men have experienced the same....so that's a 3rd of all women and a 5th of all men...and that's going on reported cases. In my circle I know of 6 women and 1 man of which none have ever reported, which IMO coincides with the FBI's estimate that 9 out of every 10 incidents are not reported. These figures alone start to get pretty scary as to the extent of population suffering. Include those who have experienced (non-sexual) child abuse, domestic violence, accident and/or injury, combat, death/bereavement, bankruptcy, victims of crime.....and I'm sure I have not exhausted the list...somewhere along the line don't we surely start becoming at least equal in numbers if not the majority to some degree? And if this is the case, then aren't WE the norm?

And i don't necessarily think that, that is a bad thing either.

I can elaborate if anyone is interested?

Just a thought.....cheers.

You are spot on unfortunately - this begs the question then why aren't we dealing with this?

Why are we investing money in more wars rather than early childhood intervention?

The Canadians put $6 billion in to early childhood intervention and for every dollar you spend on a child you save $50 later means is not only an economic saving but also a tremendous cultural and societal one as well. Not to mention what it would do for the next generations.

I note that the children that have no attachments, that have no love or care are much more vulnerable to being involved in not so good things - belonging is such a primate thing - if you can't get it at home you just grab it where you can. I understand that depth of insecurity and neediness.

I really do - but we could break the cycle for our young people and it would be good for them and the planet as well.

In one area in Australia the police and the young Muslim men play sport together on a regular basis - there is much pride in being involved - and many social issues have or are slowly dissipating. More than they could have hoped for - these people who do such things lead the way for all of us and give a much needed sense of belonging which I believe is a basic human need.

I may be way off thread with this one.

Forgive me please

ms spock

And it is all very under reported.
ms spock

 

[Incendiu]

My friends know I have PTSD, but I don't talk about my traumas. I just do rely on them understand ore belive me.
But I have heard one friend talking to my bf when they both thought I was asleep. Our friend asked about my past...my family and my X bf that was the last abuser. We had had a part that night both was drunk...my bf answered the questions...the things he know. I'v never heard any one of them mention this after it and still he is our best and closest friend. I remember how I tensed and get nervous hearing them talk about me. A bit angry to but my anger would do no good in this case...so I swallowed it. But I had a hard time to meet this friend next time...wondering how he would react, if he would say anything or act different. But he did not. This is a special friend. He is much older than us, and have a hard life himself...he is a caring person. And I'm glad nothing changed.

But I still don't talk about the traumas. There is one person who know all of my past, it's my bf. When we started to see each other I chosen to go on telling him everything. I wanted him to know what he was facing by going steady with me. Sometimes I wonder if that was the right thing to do. Most of the time it was the best ting to do...but he is a gentleman by old school...almost a knight like person. He is more angry on my abusers than I am, and he have once faced one of them which ended in trial and being convicted of assault and got community service. He protected me that time...but he have been so close to go berserk and try to find every one of the abusers. I don't which him to destroy his future for my past.

 

[anthony]

I'v never heard any one of them mention this after it and still he is our best and closest friend.

This is how you find your 'true' friends within life. You can't choose family, but you can friends. Excellent to hear Incendiu, really positive experience.

 

[bluemoon]

I gave my boss a letter (last week) from my GP to certify I have PTSD & clinical Depression, & am undertaking treatment. I am hoping that it will help to inform him so my employment isn't jeopardised.

I've also had some time off work recently due to a housefire 2 months ago (lost everything).

I've recently told a couple of close friends. Including a guy at work that I've been "dating". I was very surprised that it hasn't scared him off (I think that was part of my intention..(fear of intimacy).

<edited Nicolette: please use paragraph spacings thank you>

 

[ms spock]

I think you are all very brave!

I really admire you all.

ms spock

 

[Oberons Wife]

I was diagnosed with complex PTSD last week and by chance an old boyfriend emailed me the same day. He's a mental health nurse so I told him and it was fine. But I'm very reluctant to discuss this with anyone else as my childhood abuse situation included my sister and it's not really fair for her if I make it public knowledge. Further than being unfair, I really don't think she's very well at all and it might put her into crisis. Everythings always so complicated isn't it. I had cancer earlier this year, removed and the prognosis is good. I found that much easier to discuss with people than abuse and PTSD.