News Coming Out - Debate

[ClairBear226]

Girl3, I absolutely agree. And that fear of it being blamed on me as the victim is a part of what has kept me quiet for a really really long time.

Bluemoon, you're absolutely right. Once those words are out there, you can't get them back.

It really all perpetuates the cycle of keeping us quiet, doesn't it?

 

[ms spock]

Also, so many people still harbor the idea that we somehow caused our traumas (which mentally protects them because if violence is random then they are susceptible whereas if 'we' somehow caused our trauma then they are not susceptible.) Two of my traumas included physical assault by strangers - and nearly every time I have discussed this with people they ask a series of questions like: was it late at night, what were you doing/wearing, did you fight back, etc. All implying that something triggered the assaults. Of course, when they find out I was on college campus, daytime, dressed in regular clothing (jeans, sweatshirt, raincoat, old sneakers, no pocketbook, no jewelry) - they get uptight.

We so want to blame the victim. We don't want to face that there are people out there that are uncontrollable by us all. As a society we don't want to deal with why we are producing such people. It would call for some deep soul searching.

I found out when people would ask me if my father drank (after I told them about the incest in my family) they would be very uncomfortable to find out he didn't.

 

[ms spock]

I don't talk to anyone about the incest except my psychiatrist. When my current husband found out the resultant horror was/is more than I can bear. Even my psychologist with whom I had been working for a year was visibly unnerved when I was forced to confront the issue because of my husband.

It is tough stuff. Really tough - takes a strong person to hold it in their consciousness.

It brings about a whole lot of questions which are not easy to ask or answer!
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

And that fear of it being blamed on me as the victim is a part of what has kept me quiet for a really really long time.

It really all perpetuates the cycle of keeping us quiet, doesn't it?

Absolutely ClairBear!

It is certainly does and I spoke out many, many times and made it be in my family's faces. I have paid a high price for that, but then my friends that kept quiet paid a high price as well.

Wherever you stand it is not easy. There is no getting it right in this situation. There is no end to it either, for me at least.

But I made it out there, I wrote submissions, I organised groups, I wrote police, I was in the media and I still struggle with it all.

The blaming of the victim is very much about silencing us all. It is a vicious cycle of silence indeed!
ms spock

 

[ms spock]

Closer friends usually want more info, not out of nosiness, but because they care. I'm pretty open and don't have anything to hide. However, I also do not want to scare people. Usually a simple general sentence suffices. Then they understand my terror of touch.

Medical professional in the ER rarely care about anything other than treat and release me. They won't listen to very important diagnoses, essential for treating me. Being Deaf, having no balance, and having PTSD makes treatment rather difficult. They often just write it up as "the patient was being rather uncooperative." So in the meantime I just go with someone so my rights aren't trampled on and the visit does not become traumatic.

The only person who knows the details is my therapist. After almost a year we're just touching on more and more of my history. She learned the most important pieces early on: It started as a young age and continued throughout my teens. It involved every type of abuse (i.e. physical, emotional, sexual, neglect, and medical).

The medical abuse still happens regularly, even if I bring a supporter along. Luckily I have a great family practice doctor, a great psychiatrist, and a wonderful therapist. As I always have a witness, there's no question as to what happened.

You are very brave DeafGlobalNomad!

I am so glad you have some good people on your support team!

You tell me where they are and I will give them an unco-operative patient! I will throw jelly babies at them (well it worked for a bit for Dr Who!)

ms spock

 

[Girl3]

Yes Ms Spock - because we all know only a troll-ogre would sexually abuse his own flesh and blood.

Society has always produced these people. Even when it was cave men, I'm sure - certain - that incest was a problem. Just like paedophilia. I had a school principal in grade school/Jr High that was finally caught having sex with a student. ALL OF US STUDENTS KNEW - it was the parents and the community who ignored it, until it finally became too blatant. When I was 4 years old my mother told me never to go over to Mr. Wolf's house. Never told me why. Mr. Wolf used to sweet talk me with ice cream and toys and praises, trying to get me into his house or garage. He was asked to retire after he got caught having sex with a student. My Karate instructor began an affair with me when I was 11. My high school basket ball coach began an affair with me when I was 15. The elder brother of one of my friends, a so-called pillar of the community and Catholic church in my town, orally molested me and repeatedly penetrated me from the time I was 14 until a year later when I said I would report him. My boss at the store where I worked constantly threatened firing me unless I had anal and oral sex with him - he knew my mother would kick me out of the house if I lost my job.
It isn't society, it's testosterone and a lack of pitocin receptors.
Man is an animal that without constraints, loses perception, and violates others without conscience. Society must enforce certain standards, or victims result.
Sorry for the diatribe. I was up all night on call and am tired.

 

[ms spock]

That is a horrendous amount of sexual abuse to have withstood Girl13. Just horrendous!

 

[Oberons Wife]

Hi Girl 3,
Thanks for being so open. It helps me to know that others have a list of perps too. I told my mother about the incest but she refused to believe me. So I guess I never managed to even mention the other events. I have been socialised to not manage to protect myself from subsequent abuse, it's as if there are more paedophiles/ predatory men who use the conditioning instilled in you as a small child. However there is a great quote from Coon(s) 1985?....something along the lines...".the survivor goes to great lengths to protect his/her child; a protection they were not able to find for themselves". This remains true for me. I have managed to use the police when my mother started handing my small son over to a paedophile, but I've never managed to protect myself.
A mini breakthrough; I was on the phone to my father when he was chatting about people in the village where I was raised, and he mentioned the GP with great reverence.This was the GP I was always taken to as a child, he's a paedophile. I always thought he was an old old man and had assumed he was long dead, but he's 80 now and still in the village. I didn't manage to tell my Dad that the Doctor was a paedophile, but I did say he was a very unpleasant man and not deserving of anyones good opinion. Dad responded saying the Doctor had always been pleasant to him, I replied saying it's a very different relationship if you're a little girl of teenager. Silence and change of subject. But this is a big difference from being told not to talk such nonsense (my mothers response). I didn't feel humiliated by the conversation, so this is a triumph.

 

[ms spock]

That is a big triumph Girl 3,

my mother was there when I was sexually abused so no help was forthcoming from her.

 

[wren]

Having the ability and the freedom to "come out" with your illness would really change things.
Feeling that you are safe and not being judged by that person or person(s). That they would have genuine compassion for you and your illness, in my experience this has been very rare.

I think there should be an open dialogue about this, people need a clear understanding of what it is and how it effects the sufferer. Most people who react strangely seem to have a completely misinformed idea of mental illness and that's what they seem to be reacting to, which is really irrational.

It's interesting how mental illness is portrayed in movie's and television and often is so grossly inaccurate. There are so many people who suffer and yet it is taboo, we live in this world too. I long for the day that i no longer have to live in isolation.

 

[PTSD sufferer]

There are different situations for different people. I don't talk about a lot of stuff, quickly learned not to talk, because if you do, you get the complete opposite of the help and empathy you need. My family will use it against me if they new I had a 'mental illness' and they will change the illness to suit whatever point they are making (such as I am a skitzophrenic so anything I say is a lie). They like to know everything so that they can plan their games, and twist it so as to hide who they are and cast the blame on me.

The thing is that when I did tell my family that I was having relationship difficulties (in general), that was used as the proof of the abusive words they have used to degrade me my whole life - worthless, useless etc. If that is the case, then it is better that they don't know about anything to do with my condition, because if they don't care about you, and only gather information to start another game of cat and mouse, then you need to protect by not giving information. That's my case and opinion anyway.

I told some friends, and discovered one of them also had PTSD and she offered me support. That was nice, but I am careful of saying too much, because the same purp that traumatized me, re-traumatized her. We talk about techniques to get well and stay well, being present, mindfulness etc. I really appreciate that and she does too.

Haven't even told hubby about some of the childhood memories, and early adulthood memories too. It makes him uncomfortable when I say that the world is not always the fairy tale we expect. He can't handle it, and can't support me with things that play at his own insecurities and counter act the 'reality' (core beliefs) he has wanted to create of how childhood, life and family 'should' be.

Then there is the humiliation, I am humiliated myself, so why would I encourage conversation with others who will just humiliate me further. Yes, I told my therapist, well I wrote it down for him and asked him to read it, because I could not even verbalise it...but at least he knows.

I guess, its up to you and your situation if you want to talk about it with others. Be mindful that it may conflict with their own core beliefs of how life was and should be, so they may not want to know.

Also, be mindful, that these are our issues to take responsibility for and work on, and we should never make our issues anothers problem. It may result in others trying to 'fix' you and you need to be firm that you are the only one that can 'fix' you and that is your responsibility not theirs.

I do hope that you get understanding if you do tell others you trust. Just make sure you do, and can, trust them before you tell them. The gossip thing and the personality of those you tell are important to consider in terms of how telling them will affect YOU in the end and what you hope to achieve out of telling them. If it is understanding and support (like with a carer) then it is healthy. If you are looking for a pitty party (being honest here) then its not healthy.

PS xxoo

 

[a3a2]

"How do I tell my teenage son? How would a child react to knowing his mother was abused as a child and young adult. I'm very scared of what his response might be."

My teenagers do know some of my past. I started small. I used to panic when they would ask me questions about my childhood. Now I take a deep breath and give them truthful simple answers. If they press me after that, I go into things in a little more detail. If they don't question me, I drop it. I only give them as much information as they want.

My daughter wants more information than my son, and yet she chooses to have a little more of a relationship with my parents (always with supervision and mostly just small snippets over the phone) than my son, who wants very little to do with them. Never-the-less, she (my daughter) recognizes what I experienced as abuse and often wonders outloud why my parents would act the way they did.