News Coming Out - Debate

[Emilie]

I was reading a blog* about a man who was a victim of childhood incest and who suffers from PTSD. One of his posts made me think quite deeply about some issues. I also took into consideration some things my husband brought up to me from his sociology class. We'll get into that in a minute.

The question of debate is, To come out about PTSD and/or sexual abuse and incest, or to not come out?

I have indubitably came to the conclusion that I lose people the more I talk about my PTSD and trauma, but that brings me to a valuable point. What the hell are THEY ashamed of? the truth? That horrible unjustifiable human suffering actually exists and happens? It reminds me of this lady I saw on Dr.Phil,who had a problem with people in wheelchairs. She said, "I don't like to look or talk to them, they make me sad and angry". The crowd was in a uproar. Yet of you told any one of them about childhood abuse or PTSD they'd still probably shutter.

Now onto sociology. Has anybody noticed that in this day and age, we talk 'in relation' to things rather than talk 'to each other'? We talk about the coolest movie, style, fashion, TV show, but we don't talk TO each other, about how we are doing and how we feel. Houston, we have a problem. Come back down to earth a minute. We live in a culture that perpetuates mental illness. They expect to be a role, play a role, fit in, be "normal". There's nothing society perceives is normal about how our brains function, it's foreign and unknown. "It's not normal, so we shouldn't oblige the idea."

There is too much misconception in mental illness. In-curability, mental weakness, deficiency, narcissism, masochism, weird, aloof, dumb... Many warped ideas are attached to a simple diagnosis. It's enough to get people to shut you out.

I think it's time to shove it in their faces that it exists. That WE exist. I personally have nothing to lose, by doing so, maybe it's too much for someone else, in my opinion. There's bound to be plenty of disapproval and toxicity in the mix but I personally feel that somebody has to stand up for the future of PTSD sufferers. I wouldn't want future generations to experience this kind of cultural backlash. What do you think?

*Blog - Link Removed

 

[anthony]

I don't personally think people should hide it... however; that said, you lose people IMO not by saying you have been abused, but if you begin to dump it all upon them, when most people do not have the capacity to handle or deal with such information, because they don't know what to do with it.

I think telling people, you have PTSD, or you were abused as a child, etc... is an uplifting thing. Even though people may be curious and ask leading questions in response, I think a person who endures trauma should keep answers brief, if really give at all. Its like people asking me as a veteran, the first question they ask... have you killed someone? Its like its cool to them. Like anyone in the military, I don't respond, because they're not interested in me, they're interested in gossip.

If you begin dumping emotion upon them, you overwhelm them. If you dump gossip on them, they gossip. If you tell someone you endured something and they say nothing more about it, then you likely found a person with some self respect and dignity, that you know they're not a gossip and just interested in talking about people, but they probably also aren't capable of taking all your emotional baggage.

Its a fine line IMHO... I think a person should be proud to be honest, even if that honesty is about something traumatic that happened to them.

 

[Emilie]

Yeah for sure. I just hope to see a day when mental illness is common knowledge. When people treat the people they know who have it with respect rather than apprehension. There's so much social pressure to not talk about feelings, not talk about problems, to be perfect, flawless, and that if you are not you should hide it. I think lack of socialization adds a heavy layer to mental condition, one that may be already quite heavy. It could be the difference in one's life as far as suicide is concerned.

 

[anthony]

Completely agreed Emilie... I think a lot of social pressures are already proven to heighten the numbers in suicide, because we don't just 'talk', we mask and give snippets of only what we perceive others want to hear.

I personally think, if someone in your life, in your circle, doesn't have the capacity to know that you have PTSD and how you got it based on the basic information surrounding your trauma, then they aren't worth having within that circle to begin with.

Anyone I know that I would place within my circle of friends and family, they know I have PTSD, they know how I got it, they know I struggle at times. They don't ask me questions about my past... they just accept that it gave me PTSD... and they atleast understand some basics to PTSD... not understand it entirely, but understand its a mental illness and I get sick if overwhelmed.

Anyone I know that can't handle that, I have no issue in cutting communication with them.

I have acquaintances in my life, ie. people I see now and then, or people that are within Nicolette's circle... they don't necessarily know about me having PTSD. Some do, most don't... but they aren't trusted by me personally.

I found I just had to stop hiding me... its not healthy. I give huge credit to anyone who stands up and pronounces their trauma. There is so much stigma around sexual abuse, and the victim often evens feels helplessness due to seeking help, because the system has so many loopholes, etc... but like I've said on another forum, if people don't come forward, don't report it, etc... then if others do the same, then people can't be brought to justice later. Example... a rapist doesn't just rape once, it is extremely rare... so if they are reported two, three or four times, and that is logged on police reports, then eventually that person gets brought to justice because their history can't argue to continue helping them, thus they get caught and go to jail.

If nobody reports them, and their victims remain silent, then when they reoffend, their past can't catchup with them and help put them in jail sooner, rather than later.

 

[Nicolette]

I personally would prefer to know if someone had a mental illness so that I could at least show them respect other than incorrectly assume thoughts of them being 'odd' due to lack of information. I can see a broken leg and a person on crutches so I can hold a door open for them without being asked or without embarrassing them while at the same time assisting them. You can't see a mental illness and, if you told me you had one, I would not judge you and would try to appreciate your situation.

I have had a back injury for many years and people can't see it so they don't get it when I seriously cannot sit for another minute or I'll go crazy or I have to lie on the floor because I am in so much pain. While not comparable to a mental illness it is in the sense of having to "come out" or "explain to some degree". I get it and have the time to listen and not judge.

For me personally, I would rather know you for who you are and not who you feel you have to show the world you are.

 

[BloomInWinter]

I do hope to live in a world that helps promote healing, rather than hiding.

There are some caveats with serious repercussions to living our diagnosis openly. Living openly requires a lot more day to day assertiveness, willingness to communicate, educate, etc. Because a mental illness stigma carries real world proplems that affect our ability to get and stay in the workforce, get the healthcare we need, be able to keep bills paid....the list goes on.

Hiring committees are made up of real people and as long as they can find one good cover excuse why to exclude, there's no recourse.

Being denied health insurance (although this is getting better)...and having the ongoing hassle of having to file, file, and file again.

Denial of life insurance, or paying much greater premiums for much less coverage.

Denial for volunteering opportunities by misinformed people.

Combatting assumptions.

Being a target of bullying/gaslighting by sick/abusive people.

Having your diagnosis used against you during a hostile divorce &/or custody battle.

When my children are old enough, I do plan on living openly. I suspect that enough 'friends' I've been honest with have blabbed so much now, it no longer matters socially. But it does matter to me that my children's friends aren't forbidden to spend time with my kids just b/c their Mommy has PTSD.

That's the primary motivation for my being discreet....my kids, and being able to make a living so we can have a life.

It's not going to stop me from educating every healthcare professional I come in contact with...nor will I hide from 'friends.'

...and I'll publically sign every letter I have to in order to demand regulation and enforcement of anything I think will make our lives better.

 

[tacit]

Just out of curiosity....is it just me or has anyone else questioned the legitimacy of 'normal' anyway...I know the old saying of 'normal according to who?'....but really?....cause the way I see it, going by statistics 1 in every 3 women have experienced sexual abuse/assault and 1 in 5 men have experienced the same....so that's a 3rd of all women and a 5th of all men...and that's going on reported cases. In my circle I know of 6 women and 1 man of which none have ever reported, which IMO coincides with the FBI's estimate that 9 out of every 10 incidents are not reported. These figures alone start to get pretty scary as to the extent of population suffering. Include those who have experienced (non-sexual) child abuse, domestic violence, accident and/or injury, combat, death/bereavement, bankruptcy, victims of crime.....and I'm sure I have not exhausted the list...somewhere along the line don't we surely start becoming at least equal in numbers if not the majority to some degree? And if this is the case, then aren't WE the norm?

And i don't necessarily think that, that is a bad thing either.

I can elaborate if anyone is interested?

Just a thought.....cheers.

 

[Lionheart]

I personally think, if someone in your life, in your circle, doesn't have the capacity to know that you have PTSD and how you got it based on the basic information surrounding your trauma, then they aren't worth having within that circle to begin with. Anyone I know that can't handle that, I have no issue in cutting communication with them.

I could not agree with you more Anthony!!!!! It is enough that we suffer in silence. We should not have to be silent or ashamed of the fact that we have PTSD or the trauma that caused it. If they can't handle a bit of truth then they do not need to be within my circle of friends.

I have overcome a lot of things; trauma, addiction, alcoholism, cutting etc., etc. and the things that I haven't been able to overcome are just a testament to the fact that I am a trauma survivor...I refuse to feel ashamed of that!!!

 

[ms spock]

I think it is a case by case basis. Some people can deal with things and some can't. Some people have so much going on their own lives or have unresolved issues around all the topics mentioned in this thread that they can't, at this time, manage.

I have been very vocal and up front about my child sexual assault. I have organised exhibitions, being interviewed on radio and for newspapers numerous times. I have been part of organising conferences and got art workshops for those that are survivors of child sexual abuse. I have put a significant amount of my time, an investment for the future is how I see it - for the next generation. I stay alive and I do what I do and I model best practice as best as I can. I do my best to lead by example and be compassionate and caring. I do random acts of kindness and I stand up for what I believe in.

I would say most people in my activist circles would know about me to some extent.

My friends know as well.

It is every one's individual choice and some times people come to me and say they feel guilty because they can't step up to the plate and be out there and do the stuff I and other people do. I always give my ultimate support for them to be as they are and to take care of themselves - that I think no less of them for not being able to do the public thing. That that is fine with me and as they are alive I am pleased with that and that is enough - being alive - as everyone here intimately knows, being alive is such a hard slough at times, for me, at this time, particularly so.

But some people who can't cope with what we are going through. Some people are the people who, unlike us all, have not been able to start processed their own child sexual assault. So there is that.

I spoke to my first conference on child sexual assault, housing and income security when I was 15. I am a well versed public speaker with many years under my belt. I did not do the TV thing for various reasons but primarily not to get sued by my family and not to put myself at risk. But I am good for any meetings, rallies and conferences. I have good community building skills and good skills in managing groups.

I admire the people in this thread for their courage, and their guts and no a lot of what is happening in our societies is not that normal.

There are a few people in my life that don't know about my ptsd - in the last place I worked I didn't feel like I wanted to disclose this and so didn't. It was one place which was separate from my other life.

Privacy is important as well and we all manage that in different ways.

I think though, that having a few places to go that isn't about surviving incest and ptsd can be a good thing.

There are some people that can't cope with my past because it is so full on, so I don't throw the baby out with the bath water. Some people are for looking at birds with, others are for disco dancing with, some are good to chat about funny things, some you go to movies with and some you speak to in the language of your heart and soul.

When you are in your beginning stages of healing I think it is important to be protective of your self and not make your self vulnerable to other people's fear and uncertainty.

I am so tired. I am not sure this makes as much sense as I would like it to - good on all the folk here who are brave warriors for social change and are making the way for the next generation. I appreciate what you all do and how brave you all are to stand up for mental illness and trauma. Thank you,
ms spock

And for those who are not in that space, and may never be, that you are alive means so much to me. I may never get to meet you and talk to you but I will always regard you fondly in my heart as I know how hard it is to hang in there. So thank you for knowing how to take care of yourself and honouring what you can do in this now and for being alive. That is social change for the next generation as well and it is important. Perhaps more important than you can ever know.
Thank you,
ms spock

 

[SpokaneSunshine]

I don't tell anybody about my PTSD unless I must. It's still a very new diagnosis, I'm still learning about PTSD and its symptoms, and I'm still very shaky with my concentration at this stage in the game so having a really interactive and intelligent conversation about PTSD would be difficult for me.

The other day I had a "session" with a very bright woman who was assisting me with parenting tips, as I have recently taken over care of my teenage nephew. I had asked her for good resource material for PTSD, as she is well connected to respected researchers in the community and I thought she would know of credible studies/info to build my knowledge base. She asked what my symptoms were (she is not a clinician). I was thrown off for multiple reasons...I thought it was a highly personal question...I had never prepared a response I was willing to share with someone who is not my T, etc. I gave her a vague answer and she began to question the authenticity of my diagnosis.

By the time we started to discuss concentration techniques at work, and she asked why I had trouble concentrating, she had so convinced herself that I had been misdiagnosed that her answer was I had "convinced myself I was sick" and that's why I had trouble concentrating. Nevermind that the concentration issues began before I even knew civilians got PTSD, let alone before I knew I had it. Nevermind a dozen other points, including the fact that she's not a clinician and I asked her for resource material, not to pry into my personal PTSD background to authenticitate my diagnosis.

 

[ms spock]

That is very unhelpful and invalidating of your experience SpokaneSunshine. It is difficult to deal with those types of situations.
my sympathy,
ms spock

 

[BloomInWinter]

((((((SpokaneSunshine))))))

I'm with Ms Spock. Wow. How invalidating and unhelpful. Good for you for not taking on any of her stuff. She's the one with the lack...not you.

Sheesh...as if PTSD isn't fun enough without that stuff.