Some of this, is stuff you might accurately say that you don't get "yet", because you very well might further on down this road. If you are raised to believe you are only important for what you can do and to believe that allowing others to "feel" however it is they want to feel, it's hard to get past that and find a new job description. It takes time. Just because it's hard to do now doesn't mean it will be equally hard to do always.
Several years ago when my kids first started watching Thomas the Train, it really irked me when Thomas would spout off about how he wanted to be a "useful engine." I knew that a person's value shouldn't be defined by
what they do, and I felt sorry for Thomas that he thought he was only valuable when he was being useful. So...I've understood this concept for a very long time, and tried to implement it in relationships and in my own sense of myself. But...I suck at it.
In trying to find the "real me" under all these layers of masks...my radical honesty-style confession...is that I really do only see myself as being valuable to the extent that I give someone else something they want or need, and I have a very difficult time conceiving of what it would look like to
connect instead of
serve or be served. Maybe that's just my personality type? Or Asperger's? Or fallout from trauma history/dysfunctional family patterns? I have no clue. But I do know that I've
tried to live the other way for the past couple of decades, and just never been able to figure it out.
they really ARE responsible for their own feelings. (It's a relief to let go of that, even though it's not uncomplicated.)
Yes, very true. As I was leaving after a work-related meeting with my mom the other day, I felt quite free from her guilt-tripping. When I arrived that morning, I knew immediately she was grumpy, and had a suspicion as to why (which had nothing to do with me). But I also knew she would most likely blame her mood on me as the meeting progressed, no matter how nice I was. And that's exactly what happened, and I just watched it play out without taking it into my own space. Then I walked out of there, feeling so light, realizing I didn't have to take responsibility for managing her emotions.
What about your kids? What makes them valuable or worthwhile? Do they have to prove their worth, or is it just enough that they're here
Yes, I've thought about this aspect of it for many, many years, and even before we started having kids. I can see their value simply by their existence. They don't have to prove anything, and I've even learned how to separate my sense of myself from their behavior so that I can
be there for them instead of feeling like my success as a mother is determined by their success.
My mom feels threatened in her sense of herself any time one of us (my sisters or me) does something that she feels might reflect poorly on her (caused a humongous drama a couple of years ago when one of my sisters moved in with her boyfriend instead of getting married first). I had the revelation about a year ago that my kids
make their own choices, both good and bad, and I can only be there for them to the extent that their freedom doesn't threaten my sense of who I am.
So by individualizing myself
from them, I can be present
to them when they mess up. Their mistakes don't define who I am as their mother. Actually, their mistakes are great learning opportunities for both of us, as I learn to support them through their learning process, and as they progress on their respective journeys of personal growth.
But I don't see
myself that way. In my mind, people want me at church because they want another Butt in the Seat (I call them BITS). My family contributes 6 BITS, so that justifies my presence there (and changing churches isn't the solution here--I've tried many different churches in the past 15 years, several of those for a year or longer, and it's never been different for me...the common denominator is me...church hopping won't solve this problem). Small group...where quantity isn't really the issue...I contribute by helping with the music. Family relationships...I'm valued for how much I help other people feel good about themselves. No one ever really wants to know
me, the real me, the one that somehow manages to push people away the more I reach out to them. People only enjoy me to the extent that I don't reveal what's inside.
And maybe that's the way it's supposed to be. Maybe I'm going about this all wrong. Maybe the
idea is to keep my junk contained within...maybe I've just been sharing too much in general. Maybe I just need to learn to draw the line a little farther out so that people see less of the inside. That doesn't feel authentic, but maybe that's the expectation anyway.
I wrote my T an email last night about something I'm struggling with in our relationship (I feel like my T doesn't like me very much and wants to shift me over to someone else, so I'm trying to express the fear I feel while still giving him the freedom to make whatever decision he thinks is best). I agonized over the thing, trying to make sure I genuinely made space for him to make his own decision, while also expressing that I still very much would prefer to work with him.
It's really hard to see all of this any differently right now anyway. My T still hasn't emailed back from when I asked for clarification on his intent. It's been 2 1/2 days. The longer it takes for him to respond, the more I suspect he plans to send me off to someone else. And I'm sure he has good reasons for it. I know cognitively that he wants to do what's best all the way around. It just really sucks right now, to have worked for 6 months building trust in him, and
then be turned away.
He said he would never use silence to communicate with me, but I feel like that's exactly what he's doing. Maybe there's a good explanation...but that doesn't prevent all the questions and fear and hurt feelings running through me right now. I'm really angry at myself for letting myself trust anyone, for letting myself care again what someone thought of me. What the hell was I thinking??
