Orangesfrompears
Bronze Member
Hey there,
So, here’s the story...
Whirlwind romance while I was visiting his country (I live on the opposite side of the planet)... He disclosed to me he had experienced CSA. (He’d never told anyone, he’s only 30). I go back to my country, dreams and plans of him coming over to visit... Then a friend screws him over, at the same time leading up to Christmas which is in itself a triggering time for him. At this point I didn’t understand PTSD, and I just perceived the lack of contact as uncaring and basically had a big go at him about it.... Then radio silence... which gave me a lot of time to think and remember and notice and research all the things that add up to PTSD. During this time (two months) I continued to send messages of support every few days ... until one day where he’d had some episode at work and then he finally messaged me.... and then up to present - we are now chitchatting every day, just small talk but it’s clear both of us want to talk to each other. I’m doing my level best in trying to take notice of him and the headspace he is in and trying to just let chitchat continue and not bring up anything serious. I realise from our chats that he appears symptomatic, doesn’t understand stuff, forgets stuff, quickly angry, I notice his beliefs about not being able to do things/have a normal life. At this point I’m scared... I’m scared because he wants contact, a lot of it, and I’m thinking that perhaps the duty I have is to slow things down a bit, to moderate the contact a bit so it’s not so intense. I’m scared that it will be like this and then he’ll pull away... Honestly it was almost easier for me during the radio silence to have resolve to keep messaging him with support than it is now, perhaps because at the moment I feel like he’s a runaway train... I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I’m trying to keep conversation light. I really want to do things like discuss a safe word for next time he needs to isolate (cos this would in an ideal situation be my boundary - yes of course isolate but tell me first) And I also want a safe word for times when topics are triggering so I know to pull away from them. Perhaps these wants are unrealistic... and right now I feel I’m waiting until it seems like he is more well to ‘hear’ my thoughts/requests. I’ve tried to read others’ accounts of the push pull thing, but mostly it’s about the push and not the pull. I think what I’m thinking about is more the pull, and I wonder, is this also a PTSD ‘normal’ that there is now this intense chatting all the time? I guess I’m writing my thoughts here to order them and express them, and ask for reassurance that I’m doing the right thing... to keep chitchatting and wait until he seems more stable to discuss the important things.
So, here’s the story...
Whirlwind romance while I was visiting his country (I live on the opposite side of the planet)... He disclosed to me he had experienced CSA. (He’d never told anyone, he’s only 30). I go back to my country, dreams and plans of him coming over to visit... Then a friend screws him over, at the same time leading up to Christmas which is in itself a triggering time for him. At this point I didn’t understand PTSD, and I just perceived the lack of contact as uncaring and basically had a big go at him about it.... Then radio silence... which gave me a lot of time to think and remember and notice and research all the things that add up to PTSD. During this time (two months) I continued to send messages of support every few days ... until one day where he’d had some episode at work and then he finally messaged me.... and then up to present - we are now chitchatting every day, just small talk but it’s clear both of us want to talk to each other. I’m doing my level best in trying to take notice of him and the headspace he is in and trying to just let chitchat continue and not bring up anything serious. I realise from our chats that he appears symptomatic, doesn’t understand stuff, forgets stuff, quickly angry, I notice his beliefs about not being able to do things/have a normal life. At this point I’m scared... I’m scared because he wants contact, a lot of it, and I’m thinking that perhaps the duty I have is to slow things down a bit, to moderate the contact a bit so it’s not so intense. I’m scared that it will be like this and then he’ll pull away... Honestly it was almost easier for me during the radio silence to have resolve to keep messaging him with support than it is now, perhaps because at the moment I feel like he’s a runaway train... I don’t know, it’s hard to explain. I’m trying to keep conversation light. I really want to do things like discuss a safe word for next time he needs to isolate (cos this would in an ideal situation be my boundary - yes of course isolate but tell me first) And I also want a safe word for times when topics are triggering so I know to pull away from them. Perhaps these wants are unrealistic... and right now I feel I’m waiting until it seems like he is more well to ‘hear’ my thoughts/requests. I’ve tried to read others’ accounts of the push pull thing, but mostly it’s about the push and not the pull. I think what I’m thinking about is more the pull, and I wonder, is this also a PTSD ‘normal’ that there is now this intense chatting all the time? I guess I’m writing my thoughts here to order them and express them, and ask for reassurance that I’m doing the right thing... to keep chitchatting and wait until he seems more stable to discuss the important things.
