Communication Problems

[rightkindofme]

You are probably right--it's not ideal. I just take it for granted that I'm going to cool down in that department before the guy does, and it's not such a bad compromise to just put up with it. It's what you sign up for when you start a relationship with a male--they want it more than us. Just like we want certain things more than they do, like someone to vent to --they put up with it.

This is BS. Please stop commenting on my thread. I have had a higher sex drive than every man I've ever dated.

I am not appreciating your input.

 

[rightkindofme]

I had a rough housing accident with a kid in February where I got kicked in the throat. The adults in the group have decided that I'm the problem. I've been flipping out ever since. I have not stopped being activated in months. Which means... sex has been hard anyway.


Ok, back story on our convoluted, wacky as hell relationship. My husband has raped me before but it doesn't count because it was semi-consensual. That needs more explanation.

For many years I was active in the bdsm community. One of the things I was known for was extreme "edge play" including brutal rape scenes. My former experience of showing up to do a "rape scene" with someone is I show up on a day I find that sexually exciting and it is fun for everyone. My husband... is an inventive guy. When we got married we had never done a scene like that together and he was interested in seeing how it went.

My husband has never really been part of the bdsm scene. He's always been an independent player. Independent players learn.... different things.

So my husband negotiated that he could rape me at some point in the future. I was kind of stupid and I imagined that would turn into him having sex with me when I wasn't super excited but it wouldn't be that big of a deal. I had lots of experience with "scenes" and they never felt real to me.

So uhm, flash forward a few months and I ended up having to call CPS on my sister for providing drugs and alcohol to minors (and almost killing a friend of her daughter's) and he picked that day to rape me. It turned into literally the most violent rape of my life. Which is truly saying something.

We went to a lot of counseling together. But I had consented in advance. So how in the hell do you judge that?!

That was December 8.5 years ago. In counseling after that scene I decided I was done being raped. I never wanted to do those scenes again, the violence had finally burned it out of me. Which is saying something! The meanest sadists in the country used to talk longingly about how brutal they could be to me. And now I'm done.

Then we get to this weekend. Things have been great for 8.5 years. Holy crap this man has adjusted boundaries around what I need. Then ... he says he was asleep.

This is the first time I've ever not enjoyed the dream sex nor stopped it. I have had the presence of mine to say no a few times over the years, mostly it is fun. I'm not sure why this just... didn't work.

So I am inclined to feel like this is not a true assault, it feels like one because I am severely activated and he was an inconsiderate bastard.

But it is so complicated and messy and layered. :(

We went out for a long walk yesterday. (6 miles in two hours. Lots of talking.) We talked a lot about why we are both depressed, anxious, needy, and behaving badly. He apologized repeatedly for misunderstanding what was happening. I said, "Literally it was so fast I couldn't even tell you no. And that's a problem anyway."

He expressed some uhm... sheepishness over that.

I don't think he is a violent rapist. I've known him a long time. He is very capable of not stopping until he is told stop. He has stopped every single time I have told him that I need him to do so. He is usually very careful to make sure I'm not feeling overwhelmed.

But he really messes up sometimes. And so do I.

Life is really complicated.

 

[Pencil]

Omg, you're turning vanilla.

Kidding, but ... perhaps it is all getting burnt out? As in, no need for replays?

I'm commenting on this because even though I said I've given up on sex as it makes me feel violated, this was not always the case. So I do relate to your, let's call it psycho-sexual make-up, although mine has always been only a fraction of what you are describing, but still based loosely on that pattern. And so I really do think there has been a shift in you on a deeper level, and it is showing up in your reaction to this particular incident, which really sounds like cluelessness in your husband, more than anything else.

Shut me up if you don't relate.

 

[rightkindofme]

Heh. I still like the occasional SM. But I want it to exist in a very carefully limited bubble these days. And *sexual* violence is less appealing. I still like spankings and canings and single tails. :) People are *so weird*.

There have definitely been a lot of shifts. I just don't feel like I know from what to what or where it is going.

 

[The Albatross]

Interesting point from Pencil about the possibility of no more need for replays or rape scenes, play or otherwise?

 

[rightkindofme]

Yes, @The Albatross, @Pencil does have a point about the *rape* part of bdsm being done for me. I feel pretty good about no longer needing to relive those experiences.

I am happy that at this point in time my sex life is about the sensations I'm having right now this moment rather than being about reliving tapes.

 

[The Albatross]

You'll work this through... you're really sorting out a lot here.

 

[rightkindofme]

Thank you very much for that validation.

 

[shandemonium]

I know some folks in the BDSM scene, isn't there a "safety word"?

So by "consenting" to be raped at a later and unknown date, it seems like he should have stopped when he noticed you were being actually traumatized. If he's not part of the kink community, he should have done some f*cking reading in advance for a "rape scene" involving his wife.

I thought all kinky play was consensual? How did he see raping you as appropriate and not notice how it was really making you feel? Does he have zero sense of human emotions? Was that the Autism playing in effect? Couldn't tell when the woman he shares a life with is going through hell?!!!!!!!!???

Please excuse me for continuing to comment. I understand this has complications and layers but I would be chopping his dick off for everything you have described on this thread...

 

[rightkindofme]

Ok, let me answer your questions. In most scenes there is a safeword, yes. In specifically negotiated consensual non-consent scenes both participants make a conscious choice that for the duration of a specific scene they do not want a safeword. In the past I sometimes used safewords and sometimes chose to not use one for a variety of reasons.

Yeah... he probably wasn't really in a position to be doing a scene that heavy. He was basically a newbie and he thought he could coast on the fact that *I* have acres of experiences. Boy we have found out that it isn't very helpful. The negotiated rape was 8.5 years ago. He had much less experience with me and my responses. I made a series of stupid choices in negotiating and I should have known better.

This week I would not call what happened a kink scene. It was vanilla sex while I was asleep. Concepts around negotiation and safewords basically don't apply. It wasn't a scene.

I don't know if that helps.

And can't he tell that I am in a bad place? Probably not. Very few people can. I look like a blank screen when I am traumatized. People really can't tell what is going on. I learned that behavior for my own safety and now it is causing me problems.

It is ok with me that you would want to chop someone's dick off for this. I do not share your inclination and that is ok too. :)

I'm scared and I don't know what the future will bring. I'm afraid I am choosing to have a rosy view of him that he doesn't deserve. I'm afraid I look at everything in the most negative way possible and I will end a mostly really good marriage over something that was partially a negotiation problem.

Mostly our sex life is great. The rape was negotiated. I expressed then and since that his timing sucked and I'm pissed at him for that. This... this is different and I wish I understood why it is hitting me so hard.

The varying points of view are helping me understand what I'm feeling. It's ok to have strong points of view that are pretty much in defense of me. I'm just not ok with ever being told again that I should just lie back and let some guy f*ck me. Not ok advice for me. Never again acceptable advice for me.

 

[The Albatross]

I didn't like just being a body. So I get it.

 

[rightkindofme]

@shandemonium Specifically: not many people have ever wanted to get all upset in defense of me. It feels nice to believe that there might be people who would.