Communication Problems

[rightkindofme]

Pencil, I appreciate it.

Part of the problem is we have both been flailing for a while and that feels bad for both of us. Neither of us has anything to give and that means we both feel like needy pits.

Yeah, I think part of the problem is that he is supposed to be the one who is safe. This feels like confirmation that I should never trust anyone, ever.

He was mostly asleep. He feels really bad. He is absolutely verbally handling this the right way. "You have the right to be as upset as you need to be. Don't worry about my feelings. I'll take care of them. You get to be upset about this. I'm very sorry. I really misunderstood and it was so fast and... I'm really sorry. There is no excuse and no justification. I'm sorry."

So where is the room for screwing up and forgiveness? But given how many times I've been revictimized is this my Stockholm kicking in?

He says, "At the most charitable you can say I was an extremely inconsiderate lover. Closer to reality is I assaulted you. I'm really sorry."

I don't know what I feel.

 

[shandemonium]

@rightkindofme I am honestly having a hard time seeing the grey-area here, but I admit that I have never been in a sexual relationship with a man because I am gay, so I have that bias. I mean, I've been assaulted by men, but never intimate.

In my own lesbian relationship, I have lost all trust in my partner for things that are tiny in comparison to what you have described. She stole from me twice. She let me think something bad happened to her to get back at me... I went into panic state. I have never trusted her since and our relationship is falling apart and we are separating. These examples are like stealing from the cookie jar compared to what happened to you...

I read stories like yours and everything inside me screams that this is the WRONG person in your life. Sure, we all make mistakes. And we know that trust and PTSD can be like oil and water, so we doubt ourselves constantly. BUT... where do we draw the line?

It's only your call, I don't want to seem too aggressive or angry or triggered myself. I just don't think this is something that can be repaired in terms of trust.

 

[Dana1010]

I know this is a complicated subject, and I didn't read all of the responses. But when I hear about these married couples having all kinds of problems because the wife is never in the mood, all I can think is, how hard is it to lay there for five minutes? How many things do you do in a day that you don't feel like doing? How many things does he do for you that he doesn't feel like doing? It's called a compromise, and I'm pretty sure it's the entire basis of marriage. It's not my intention to be insensitive; I'm not even really directing this at you personally. This is just something I don't get.

 

[rightkindofme]

Wow. Holy f*cking shit. I lie there like a good f*cking wife 5-10 times a f*cking month quite happily.

Sometimes when I'm asleep and someone wakes me up by yanking my pants off and f*cks me without a how-do-ya-do and then finishes before I can wake up to even consider consenting....


I don't f*cking enjoy it.

 

[Dana1010]

@rightkindofme, I hear you. I was just trying to introduce an aspect of the problem I didn't see represented in the thread thus far.

 

[illusionist]

Rightkindofme.......If this has happened more than once and you are not enjoying it you've got to tell him. I dread to think what it would do to my head if my man did that...my bags would be packed within the hour, for sure.....and I'd never look back.

Dream sex is great as long as it's done in a way that you both enjoy...not just to be used as somewhere to empty his gunk. That's just so wrong ! imo.

 

[Kefira]

all I can think is, how hard is it to lay there for five minutes?

Wow... Honestly at this point I'm practiced enough it's not very hard to take a few punches or a constant stream of insults either.

I can understand having a slightly skewed sense of 'normal' when it comes to sex. I certainly do. But I try to compensate by attempting to determine what is most healthy and authentic. Not what is 'easy' or what will be most likely to please the other person at my expense.

I've been guilty of dissociating and just 'getting the sex over with' rather like doing the dishes. But it's hardly the mentality I'd attempt to hold up as an example for fixing marital problems.

 

[Dana1010]

But it's hardly the mentality I'd attempt to hold up as an example for fixing marital problems.

You are probably right--it's not ideal. I just take it for granted that I'm going to cool down in that department before the guy does, and it's not such a bad compromise to just put up with it. It's what you sign up for when you start a relationship with a male--they want it more than us. Just like we want certain things more than they do, like someone to vent to --they put up with it.

 

[Dana1010]

I believe I overlooked the rape issue in this post at first. If that's what the main problem is, then I apologize for getting ahead of myself.

 

[Pencil]

@rightkindofme , one more question: Do you recall ever feeling EXACTLY what you are feeling now. The same emotion(s), to the same extent and intensity? I'm not talking about a flashback, but rather ... don't know how to express it.

 

[The Albatross]

@rightkindofme , you've laid out, in your posts a very good description of your thoughts/feelings as well as the nuances of your relationship sexually with your partner and the grey area that results when something feels like a transgression or may be a transgression. Can you continue the dialogue with your partner? He has made a good effort to acknowledge his error. Do you at your core see this as a game changer, a deal breaker, or an area where there is a definite need for an agreement of some sort?

Sometimes it is hard for me to see my spouse as a "good willed/well intentioned person" when he is behaving in a self absorbed manner without regard for me physically or my feelings.

 

[Friday]

@rightkindofme

I think your husband has the right of it 'At best an inconsiderate lover, at worst an assault'.

I wish I could help with that... But even on its own it would be a hard thing. It doesn't sound like it is on its own, though? It sounds like a big fat trigger on top of everything else.

I don't know if any of this will help (or even if it relates, it may not) but if so...
From my own life:

- To grossly oversimplify... 3 years ago I couldn't protect someone I loved... And my past slammed into my like a freight train. I'd been about 92% symptom free for over 10 years. And then that one event (coupled with the perfect storm of following events; where everything that could go wrong did in exactly the worst way possible which is why I'm saying oversimplify, I had a whole year that mirrored the worst time of my life and then one by one crashed through all my safety nets / lost all my coping mechanisms)... That's what kicked off this tailspin, why I've been symptom-hot for 3 years. I couldn't protect someone I loved, which is what caused my PTSD to begin with. So I wasn't (just) dealing with the modern day event. What I was actually dealing with was the modern event triggering my past. Just flung the lid right off of Pandora's Box.

- Less severely, I had to kill my dog a few weeks ago. Chose to. Whatever. He's dead, and I killed him. Haven't been able to mourn him / had to medicate the hell out of myself for the first time in months ... Because every single damn ghost in my history decided to elbow its way through that crack opened. It's not as bad as the first from 3 years ago, it's not a freight train... I think because it's not my primary trauma, although it's linked to it. It's more that a specific aspect got triggered, not the whole damn thing. Still a helluva lot harder than normal stresses or anniversaries.

What kills me is that I can't deal with either until I separate them.

One of the things that's been helping me with both, to divorce my present and my past, is to identify the, themes for lack of a better word, that marry them.

Rape, here, would be the most obvious one... Because you already called that one. Any I might suggest would be pure speculation (uncertainty as to whether it's actually rape or not, betrayal, a loved one, feeling obligated... Heck, the time of year or how tired you were) absolutely anything that mirrors past trauma.

Gonna stop here... Like I said, I don't know if I'm entirely off base or not. Could be. Any of this feel right?