Relationship Complex Ptsd And Lying In Relationships

[Mistyeyed2013]

As a "supporter" of a PTSD sufferer (also the girlfriend), I have caught my boyfriend in several lies. It has been brought to his attention. Sometimes he fesses up eventually but NEVER right away and sometimes he continues to deny it. When he continues to deny it, I sometimes drop it and just leave the subject alone. It really bothers me but if I tell him how I found out the truth he would probably get mad and that would cause another problem..probably some type of outburst (which I've seen enough of and don't want to trigger one). I feel like I can't totally trust him but yet I really love him and I do believe he loves me. I feel that his "lying" is a problem that didn't start with me. I feel that it's part of him and this PTSD. I also know that lying can be separate and apart from PTSD.

I've been reading that the way one addresses the lie is important because the sufferer sees it as an attack and their lie is their automatic "defense mechanism". Does anyone else have/had this problem with a sufferer? Specifically a CPTSD sufferer? Any suggestions?

 

[Abstract]

In my mind this is a separate issue to his PTSD although I can see how his complex PTSD would greatly complicate dealing with it.

I think it is always helpful attempting to avoid setting someone with PTSD off into flight and flight if it is possible (it's likely to work out better for everyone concerned). Sometimes it may not be possible though and I think it's important not to feel you can't speak about things at all. Although depending on how stable or unstable he is you might want to pick out what is most important and concentrate on that first.

 

[Meadowsweet]

From the information you've given here, it is impossible to comment. What kind of lies are they? ie are they related to trauma, insecurity, feeling he's done something wrong? Are they about something that's usually out of character?

Lieing isn't a symptom of PTSD. But if he has been abused as a child, then lieing or more precisely, keeping secrets, can be a big part of surviving.

I would also ask if he is in therapy, and if you are?

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

I have complex trauma stemming from neglect, psychological abuse, extreme school bullying and sexual abuse from my father amongst others.

For me, I lie as a defense mechanism without meaning to. Like if something cost £8.50, I'll say it cost £6.75 or a Fiver, I don't even know why I do it usually, especially to people who won't care if it was double the price I paid for it. Or if someone asks if I'm ok I will say I am sometimes so quickly that I don't have the chance to say the opposite even if it's something I want to say desperately. I do this instinctually, as a defense mechanism because I think I know what people want to hear, even if I'm honest to a fault in every other way.

I know the spending issue comes down to being screamed at by my father, even after I left home (although he didn't live with us), for ever spending money on anything that wasn't the bare basics of food - You didn't need to cook your mum and sisters a nice meal when they visited, one pair of trousers and a pair of pyjamas for when you have to wash them, You don't need an electric guitar for your popular music performance - £40 is ludicrous, how much did that cost you.

The lying about being OK is partly because my Nan would always trick me into thinking she was caring on the days where I was ill only to then constantly criticise me for being weak and feeble, I should be ashamed, I was stupid, if only I could be like the other children normal and healthy (which mostly I was, despite everything else that was going on for me). Partly because it was heavily implied and threatened if I ever told anyone what was happening, they a) wouldn't believe me and would think I was crazy b) would lock me up or c)I would regret it afterwards. Lastly it's because I think that as part of the invisible nature of PTSD as well as the relationship the PTSD has with deeply personal trauma, many of us don't want to let on or share what's going on internally.

So from those perspectives, yes I lie, I hedge, I try to escape without answering at all or give such a long speech analysing very angle possible with out being direct that everyone else has lost interest or forgotten what the original question actually was by the time I'm finished. But oddly enough, I am one of the most honest people I've ever met - thought that doesn't say a lot. Any way it's never malicious or usually even intentional. I don't know if this helps at all. Sorry for waffling.

 

[Flyaway]

I agree with Meadowsweet... Quite frankly, I have cPTSD and I am waaay to honest and upfront for most people. Living in a web of lies growing up, means that now I have little to no tolerance for bullpoo. I associate lies with abuse.

I hate to break it to you, but every single break up I have instigated in the past has been a result of being lied to by men who don't have PTSD. They have looked me in the eye over and over again, all sincere like, with eyes wide open and told me whatever they think I wanted to hear. My understanding is that they just wanted to have their own way, and didnt care or love me enough to consider my needs.

As Meadowsweet said, it is possible that he is still caught up in an unhealthy survival tactic that we have all had to engage in, in the past... From what you said, it doesn't sound like he is willing to change.

 

[Abstract]

Boy do I do the "I am fine one"! I even did it with therapist for decades. I think sometimes it can be a so called white lie though as I don't always want to share and sometimes people don't want to know. In fact I think asking how people are is more a social ritual rather than a genuine request most of the time.

And I agree that lying about something specific to do with trauma would also potentially make sense. I am understanding Mistyeyes as saying that this is general but may be wrong.

As far as I understand it conditions such as [DLMURL="http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/pseudologia-fantastica"]pseudologia-fantastica[/DLMURL] can coexist with PTSD or stand alone. Just using it as an example and I am not attempting to suggest the dignoses applies to your guy Mistyeyes! http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pseudologia_fantastica [DLMURL]http://www.goodtherapy.org/blog/psychpedia/pseudologia-fantastica[/DLMURL]

 

[twopenny]

I (PTSD from abuse) rarely tell lies. The occasional white fib, nothing major. Like others have said, usually I'm far too open and honest for most people to handle. I've had my moments of lying as a defence thing, but not many.

Hub (PTSD from combat) lies all the time, but only in certain areas. It's a defence mechanism, and a self protection thing. Or frequently a way (in his mind) of protecting me. It's also something he does when he's forgotten something, or to do something, or when he's got muddled about something, or avoided something. He fibs to cover it up, then it snowballs.

We've had a few big blow ups over it, and there are now a couple of areas in which I don't completely trust him, and he knows it. Thankfully they're not areas that really affect our day to day life that much, or our relationship. Also thankfully, he's (touch wood) doing it a lot less than he did when he was at his worst.

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

thank you for your replies. To answer a few questions, my boyfriend was physically abused as a child up until his teen years. He had a very, overly strict father who he was scared to death of. His mother turned the other cheek. He has been in therapy a little over 6 weeks. He's been diagnosed with complex PTSD and generalized anxiety. I am not in therapy although I welcome the idea of going with him at some point. The lies have been in relation to other women. One time he got on an online dating site while we were in a committed relationship and long story short, when he FINALLY admit it, he said, he doesn't know why he did it, it was just for attention, he was bored, and had no intention of ever taking it past "texting." I believe him because it led to a huge ordeal. After I confronted him, he "took off" and we broke it off. After a few days, I called him and he finally admitted that he was ashamed and embarrassed about what he did. He became very depressed over it and it took another week or so to snap out of it. That included isolation. I believed him and the whole isolation thing is another issue...but this is what prompted therapy which he was full willing to do.

 

[Flyaway]

That's great! Therapy is really fresh then ...the type of lie he told is something that a huge number of men without PTSD would lie about, and not feel guilty at all about. He was probably looking for an ego boost in the same way all his mates are maintaining their egos. I'm really glad he was sorry enough to go to therapy though! Well done for getting him there- it's the start of a new life for him, I hope he always knows how lucky he's been to have you in his life.

 

[Mistyeyed2013]

Thank you Flyaway. I really appreciate it. It's been a long road but I really want to stick with it. He does realize that I love him THAT much to be understanding and help him in any way I can when others would leave. I understand a little about anxiety, passive aggression, other issues to be able to handle his situation in a certain way (.ie. not directly yelling at him, attacking him, speaking to him about certain things in a certain way). I am keeping my fingers crossed. I keep telling him to be 100% honest with his therapist. I sure hope he is doing that.

 

[Flyaway]

You're welcome Mistyeyed! Sounds like you have a lot of courage :) I can imagine you're an awesome example for him to have!

 

[rightkindofme]

If a guy is lying about chasing women you need to either decide you can live with him him cheating or move on to a different relationship. You have no way of ever ensuring he will tell you the truth.