Brittany Gonord
Bronze Member
Currently in psychiatric therapy for complex ptsd...I'm unsure how to begin this post...
For four years, starting at the age of 14, I was involved in a sadistic relationship that, though consensual at the time, has reaked havoc all over my body. Neither one of us had a clear understanding of what we were getting into. At least I didn't. We engaged in a myriad of sexual acts, but we quickly became bored and my boyfriend (a man of few words) really paid little attention to me save for in the bedroom. Why I stayed, I honestly cannot say. I loved him. And you do stupid things when you're young...and your pre-frontal cortex is not even nearly developed. He would spank me, if I disobeyed him or was rude to him, extremely hard. I was naked, always. He was not. Belts and whips were used. I would be screaming and crying and bruised by the end. At times, I would not even be able to sit. But I was okay with it because after, we would make love. And he would pay attention to me again...it became a vicious cycle. Nearly every day. And not just in the bedroom...pretty soon, I caught on that getting him riled up helped him pay attention to me...how foolish of me. So I started to provoke him. I would do anything to make him care and be tender with me again. Of course, that would be following my punishment.
He enjoyed sex. All the time, he wanted to have sex. I didn't. I wanted to spend time together doing other things, but then he paid little attention...so I put up with his hands always in my pants. There was non-consensual sex all the time. Rape. Forced fellatio. Choking. Hands bound. Anal sex. But I did it for him because, somehow, I knew he would be tender with me in the end. It was an ulgy, stressful cycle that resulted in a small high...his tenderness. But it wouldn't last...
Four years later, I was graduating from high school and considering moving on. From him, especially. I was also experiencing severe aches in my joints, arthritis like sensations, I lost my ability to walk, electric shocks in my chest, arms, hands, head, feet...disabling shocks. I would be on the ground, writhing. I never told any specialist I saw about my relationship. I saw 20 different ones. I had several nerve testings done and multiple MRI's. I never thought any of these physiological manifestations were connected. Medication, from ibuprofen to prednisone (for pains), failed to work on me. No specialist could figure out what was wrong...I was diagnosed with a plethora of diseases...even Lyme disease. But the antibiotics failed as well. I got sicker and sicker. I quit the relationship. I was too sick to be in that...too weak to put up with any of it. Of course, the boyfriend was disappointed. He even cried...he didn't understand what was happening to me, and I truly believe he felt badly for me. But none of us believed it had anything to do with what we had done...
Two and a half years later, I can walk again. I am still hurting physically, the electric shocks remain, memories, flashbacks, anxiety, nausea everyday, diarrhea everyday...and much more. The electric shocks come out of nowhere and I cannot find anything to trigger them. But I know now...I am working through ptsd from that relationship. I am in therapy for it. But that doesn't make any of this go away. My body remembers...I've lost memory, but I remember that relationship. I remember everything. Explicitly.
Has anyone experienced this...? Does anyone else have electric shocks throughout their body?
For four years, starting at the age of 14, I was involved in a sadistic relationship that, though consensual at the time, has reaked havoc all over my body. Neither one of us had a clear understanding of what we were getting into. At least I didn't. We engaged in a myriad of sexual acts, but we quickly became bored and my boyfriend (a man of few words) really paid little attention to me save for in the bedroom. Why I stayed, I honestly cannot say. I loved him. And you do stupid things when you're young...and your pre-frontal cortex is not even nearly developed. He would spank me, if I disobeyed him or was rude to him, extremely hard. I was naked, always. He was not. Belts and whips were used. I would be screaming and crying and bruised by the end. At times, I would not even be able to sit. But I was okay with it because after, we would make love. And he would pay attention to me again...it became a vicious cycle. Nearly every day. And not just in the bedroom...pretty soon, I caught on that getting him riled up helped him pay attention to me...how foolish of me. So I started to provoke him. I would do anything to make him care and be tender with me again. Of course, that would be following my punishment.
He enjoyed sex. All the time, he wanted to have sex. I didn't. I wanted to spend time together doing other things, but then he paid little attention...so I put up with his hands always in my pants. There was non-consensual sex all the time. Rape. Forced fellatio. Choking. Hands bound. Anal sex. But I did it for him because, somehow, I knew he would be tender with me in the end. It was an ulgy, stressful cycle that resulted in a small high...his tenderness. But it wouldn't last...
Four years later, I was graduating from high school and considering moving on. From him, especially. I was also experiencing severe aches in my joints, arthritis like sensations, I lost my ability to walk, electric shocks in my chest, arms, hands, head, feet...disabling shocks. I would be on the ground, writhing. I never told any specialist I saw about my relationship. I saw 20 different ones. I had several nerve testings done and multiple MRI's. I never thought any of these physiological manifestations were connected. Medication, from ibuprofen to prednisone (for pains), failed to work on me. No specialist could figure out what was wrong...I was diagnosed with a plethora of diseases...even Lyme disease. But the antibiotics failed as well. I got sicker and sicker. I quit the relationship. I was too sick to be in that...too weak to put up with any of it. Of course, the boyfriend was disappointed. He even cried...he didn't understand what was happening to me, and I truly believe he felt badly for me. But none of us believed it had anything to do with what we had done...
Two and a half years later, I can walk again. I am still hurting physically, the electric shocks remain, memories, flashbacks, anxiety, nausea everyday, diarrhea everyday...and much more. The electric shocks come out of nowhere and I cannot find anything to trigger them. But I know now...I am working through ptsd from that relationship. I am in therapy for it. But that doesn't make any of this go away. My body remembers...I've lost memory, but I remember that relationship. I remember everything. Explicitly.
Has anyone experienced this...? Does anyone else have electric shocks throughout their body?
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